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He isn't ready but I am(21 Posts)
I am 29 and my partner is 43. We have been together 5 years and have our own house. We have always talked about having kids but it's always been "in the future" for him. I'd have had his child within a year of being together if I'm honest!
I was diagnosed with PCOS about 3 years ago after years of problems. I was put on the pill at first but that caused different problems and they took me off it a year ago. Since then my symptoms have been up and down but I have put up with it but it's beginning to get me down. The next thing they want to try is the coil but I don't want it. I want to try for a baby.
I've always had it in my head that I would have a baby before I am 30 (silly I know) and it's dawning on me that this isn't going to happen. I keep trying to bring up the subject but he always says we aren't ready, that I am too ill, that we don't have enough money etc. He doesn't seem to realise that I could have a hysterectomy after children which would stop all my symptoms!!
I'm becoming obsessive over it now. To the point that I think about leaving him to try and find someone who does want a baby with me. I almost feel like he is stringing me along. I don't know how much of my feelings are true or what's just me being hormonal and silly. I don't want to leave him....but I would if staying with him means no children.
It doesn't help that his friends that have children always say to us "don't do it!! It changes everything!" Or "I wish we had waited longer". His brother and sister in law have an IVF baby but the process almost cost them their marriage (luckily not) and I think that scares him too.
It's really upsetting me now. Who knows how long it could take me to concieve, if I can at all, and God knows how we would afford IVF if we needed it. He seems to think I am worrying over nothing and that it will all be fine, but what if it's not?
What can I do? How can I get him to be firmer in what he wants? All I get it "I'm warming to the idea of trying soon but not yet". He's said that for 2 years. Help!
I would probably say if he isn't ready at 43 I don't know that he ever will be.
I think you need a serious 'where are we going' conversation.
Sadly you can't force someone to have a baby and this is probably a lesson of patience that you'll need to learn until you're both ready, willing and emotionally committed to TTC. It can a heartbreaking process or it can happen very quickly and easily. There's really no point worrying about the what ifs.
My husband is 3 yrs younger than me and honestly I was probably ready 8 yrs ago when we married to start a family. He wasn't. So we waited. Because it takes two to tango and I love him more than my need to be a mother, and I say this over a year into TTC, I am desperate to be a Mum and he is the same to be a dad, the path we've both been on has lead us closer together not driven us apart. Maybe it would have 8 yrs ago. What I'm saying is, if a doctor told me he or I were infertile, we would still choose each other. I think unless you can safely say that. Then maybe have a serious think about your next step. If he understands your need for a child then he may become ready sooner, who knows.
Good luck! X
If at the age of 43 and after 5 years together he is still making excuses then it's very clear he does not want a baby......and I think you know this.
If I was in your situation there's no way I'd be hanging around.
I agree. He doesn’t seem to want to make a decision and when I read ‘he’s stringing me along’ I thought yup, there you go girl. Exactly what I thought!
At the end of the day it’s completely up to you. I personally would never let a man stop me from my wish of having children. It’s what I was born for. If it was due to issues, fine, not his fault, there are other options. But if this is what you want from the bottom of your heart and your partner is not even willing to try it sounds to me that there’s something fundamentally wrong. Surely you have talked about children long before and he must have given you some hope. I would sit down and have a real conversation with him about where this relationship is going.
Unfortunately, I agree with PP that he is stringing you a long. If not ready at 43, in a long term relationship with a house etc he'll never be. If having children is important to you, I'd reconsider the relationship. I would also say, that he might agree to try but then have a million excuses, i.e. not in the mood, needs to do sth, go somewhere, not feeling well etc. That could be the next step in stringing you along so just beware.
A 43-year-old man in a 5-year relationship who "isn't ready" and is still saying "maybe soon" two years later is a manchild who will never be ready, and is stalling.
I don't think he wants children. Don't have one with him.
I have to agree with the others. At 43 in a long term relationship, if he's not ready now he never will be. I don't think men realise that when it comes to having children, women have a shelf life. Even if you didn't have pcos, your heading into your 30's when fertility drops off a cliff for women with every passing year. The fact you have pcos makes things even harder for you.
You have to decide what you really want. Is having a baby a deal breaker? Or can you be happy without ever having kids? 5 years is long enough for him to get his head together. Time to have a frank conversation. He needs to sh*t or get off the pot.
Unfortunately you can’t talk someone into having a baby. They either want one or they don’t, there’s no grey area. Babies are a lot of hard work and commitment. I would honestly say that as a man who has had 43 years of no responsibility for a kid, it’s highly unlikely he will ever change his mind. He’s appeasing you by saying “in the future” because it gives you hope it WILL happen eventually but I think you need to be honest with yourself and realise it isn’t going to. After 5 years of being together and taking his age into consideration, he doesn’t want a baby. I would seriously consider moving on if having a baby is what you really want. You’re still young, don’t let him string you along until it becomes too late
I agree he doesn't want a baby.
But don't listen to scaremongering like Even if you didn't have pcos, your heading into your 30's when fertility drops off a cliff for women with every passing year. That just isn't true. However with pcos you must consider that you don't want to wait around too long. Don't be writing the same thing in 10 years when it may be too late.
It's not scare mongering @mini it's a fact any doctor will tell you. This of course doesn't mean we can't get pregnant in our 30's but it is easier when your younger. I'm mid 30's myself and finding it alot harder to get pregnant this time round. My first 3 dc were conceived first round when I was in my 20's. That doesn't mean I won't get pregnant but I am having to try much harder and I'm under no illusion that my age is a factor in this. The fact this lady also has pcos means the odds are stacked against her before she even starts so she has no time to waste on this guy stringing her along.
Women like you who refuse to accept age is a factor in women's fertility really irk me. There's alot of women who missed out on having children because they believed the lie that they had more time.
To the op 29 is still young so you do have time just don't waste it on someone who doesn't want the same thing you do.
Poptart, there’s a quick decline from about 35. In your early 30’s you still have great chances and can even be an egg donor for IVF.
“I love him more than my need to be a mother”
If you feel the same as the previous PP you e made your choice. If not, you need to make clear to him that this is a deal breaker for you.
I just wonder with the quote that PP posted - are you sure about this? I think you deep down you know that you want children. You are posting in a TTC forum, made the effort to sign up for it. Of course he might still change his mind, we don’t know him, you do. But what you’ve been telling us so far it seems less likely...
If he isn't ready at 43, when's he going to be ready? Sounds like he just doesn't want children at all. If I were you I would leave him, especially with your health issues. Explain why and give him the chance to change his mind - straight away.
poptart I don't refuse to accept age is a factor in fertility, it obviously is but saying that as soon as you hit 30 your fertility falls off a cliff every year is not correct.
I agree that op needs to get out of this relationship because she and her dp clearly want different things.
@holdthewine if you're referring to my comment. Please re-read. Both myself and my husband are desperate to be parents. We've been TTC for over a year and have had a heartbreaking loss at 10 weeks earlier this year. My comment stems from this. If a doctor told us either one of us was infertile. I would not leave my husband. We would find another way to be parents. We have always wanted children but we're not in a place to do so previously.
Actually I do have a PCOS (as OP) and for this specific condition it might actually be easier to get pregnant into your thirties than twenties as the testosterone in women drops down when you hit your thirties.
However, the general advice is not too wait too long with TCC as it might take longer to conceive and you are at a higher risk for miscarriage.
I have no comment about your dp and his readiness but what I wanted to say is that I have pcos and it took me 4.5years ttc (i was 29 when I started) to get my first bfp.
If it's something you want and need in your life, with pcos you haven't always got the luxury of time on your side. Good luck op x
I agree with other posters. If he still doesn't feel ready when he's 43 and has been with you for 5 years then I don't think he'll ever be ready.
He doesn't seem to realise that I could have a hysterectomy after children which would stop all my symptoms - have you spelled this out to him?
Seeing as you are not married, and he isn't ready, why not leave?
It's a horrible saying, but my dad used to tell me "men like that will love you enough to fuck you, but not enough to marry you." Or in this circumstance, have children with you.
Five years is a long time, and it's not like he is 23 and you have been together five years, he is, presumably, a grown man. What is preventing him?
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