Excited, impatient or just obsessed? So hard...(11 Posts)
New to Mumsnet so not sure if posting this is 'normal', but seems like people are quite open on here so thought I would just share my thoughts in my first thread!
So I'm about to finish my 3 longgggg years on my nursing degree (so happy!!)
BUT, I've been craving to have children from such a young age, but have always had relationship breakdowns and ultimately held out, due to wanting financial security and to fully get to know someone before getting pregnant just because I want one..
Anyway, my lovely OH (been together over a year now) and I have decided that we are going to start trying this time next year, after we save a bit more, have a holiday, enjoy eachother etc. and I work for a while as a nurse, getting experience for the future!!!
All sounds pretty perfect right...?
Nope! Day by day, I have found myself becoming increasingly excited, which then makes me sad, because I keep thinking about it, and how much I want to love this child. It almost makes seeing newborns, friends with babies around me etc. worse - because I'm so ready physically mentally and emotionally... We thought we were accidentally pregnant on the pill this month, and I was almost hoping I was despite the 'plan'... To no avail though - it was just a breakthrough bleed I feel insane..... I just want to know this is 'normal' or not??!!
I then made the mistake of searching for looking at baby stuff online and am starting to think it's becoming an obsession! It is breaking my heart more and more, because I'm so sick of waiting... Every baby advert every friend who announces their pregnancy or updates on Facebook makes me realise how long I have to wait..
I've never really been with someone who has treated me well, which my OH does, amazingly.. Never been with someone who I've planned to have children with before, so this is the first (for us both) time I have decided on it.. He has shown me he will be a brilliant Dad (which I never had growing up), so I'm thinking this may be the reason why I'm like this? The thought of finally having that family unit... I can't wait!
Obviously I know things won't be perfect - far from, I understand how babies are as I've grown up with them around me. I just wonder if anyone else got like this when they sort of 'decided' when they would start to try??
Hope this wasn't too long and any anecdotes will be appreciated
Many thanks for reading if you got this far haha!
I have been there...it is hard waiting. Can i ask what age you are?
Cupoftea - I'm 23, will be 24 this year how long did you have to wait??
Not really sure this is in the right thread.. Gonna repost somewhere else also, not sure if this is allowed?
Hi MHnurse - my advice might sound a bit harsh, but it is not meant to. Just some things for you to think about!! Devil's advocate, if you will... Sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree!
Why are you so desperate for a child, even though you've decided to wait? Is there a 'hole' that you are trying to fill? How will a newborn baby fill that? Is a year-long relationship 'stable'? Surely the first year of nursing is going to be ridiculously difficult enough without the exhaustion of pregnancy?
I am sure the answers to those questions would be different for many different people!
Surely think of this next year as the opportunity to do all those things you can't with a kid in tow. Like those holidays, adjusting to new job. Maybe you are saving for a house? Also, lots of guys take awhile to adjust to the idea and I think the idea of a deadline/countdown is a good one! A year is nothing in the scheme of things... not in your 20s anyway!
I can sympathise by the way, I always wanted at least 1 by the time I was 30 (hopefully 'on my way' to a 2nd), but OH was never 'ready'. So here I am, collecting dust in my second cycle of ttc aged 32... But we did do a lot in that time - holidays, married, house... We are in a much better place now (relationship, work and financially) for our first!
Not at all barking up the wrong tree PhysicsKate I appreciate anything that provokes thought
You may be right... I think it stems from the fact that (as sad or weird as this may sound to some) I have only ever really wanted to be a Mother, because I always knew I would be great at it and just wanted to build a home and have a career later on in life. But on my family, it was always expected of us to get a degree/become established and 'do something important' with my life as my mum would say -_____-
So I think now that I feel almost the 'freedom' that I have stablity with a degree, and am so physically ready, I suppose my body is telling me 'you're ready, why not?'
I wouldn't really put a time length on what a 'stable' relationship would be defined as. I rather would examine the characteristics of the people together and how the relationship is progressing, and whether you fully know one and other and what you have experienced in that year together, even with obstacles... So with that yes, I feel it is a stable relationship. Obviously it isn't a 10 year long marriage, but stable with the same goals and love and support for eachother indeed!
The thing is he wants one as much as I do! But he doesn't like speaking about it because he says he doesn't want to get excited before the time we start actually trying! So with that in mind I think it makes it even harder because he states we would have one yesterday if it were up to him, but financially we want to save etc. So I will defo focus on that aspect.
I also think that as women, we have this 'idea' of how our lives 'should be' once we reach certain ages, but realistically life doesn't happen like that due to various circumstances!
Hi MHnurse, we got together when i was 23 and after about 2 years i started wanting to try. He kept making me wait, wanted to buy a house first, and it wouldn't have been fair to push him before he was ready. So in january I had a non intended positive, turned out to be a chem but I guess it made him think about it seriously. Now 6 months later from that and we are giving it a go we are both 30.
We have never been the quickest movers in the world. But I would recommend not rushing. It makes it so much better when you're in it together.
I know exactly what you mean, I've always seen my career as something to fill the gap until I have kids. When I was younger I thought that I'd have finished having kids by the time I was 30. Life didn't work out that way I'm now 32 ttc #1 but it really does feel like the right time now. Been with DH 8 years but had financial struggles and illness to content with. We got married last summer and were planning to start straight away, but we went a little over budget so postponed ttc for 9 months longer and I've spent that time researching every little thing I can about ttc, pregnancy, babies, etc. I know what you mean about getting all emotional over babies etc but now we are ttc I'm feeling better as we are doing something about it at last.
Hi, i hope this doesn't sound patronising. It's hard to give advice without sounding like an idiot but il try! I have been exactly where you are, at the same age! I finished my midwifery degree 5 years ago and had been with my oh for just over a year and I felt sooooo broody!! That kind of ache for a baby! I think it's partly hormones, and the oxytocin you get from being loved up in a lovely relationship is the same hormone you produce in labour/when you breastfeed. It's all very closely linked. It's also probably partly the fact that as humans we are physically ready to reproduce at an early age... Too early for our brains to have caught up with our body! So your body probably is telling you it's baby time!
But you have to be ready with your brain as well as your body! We decided to save for a year after I qualified and go travelling... Now I'm pretty sure if I hadn't have had travelling to keep me occupied I would have had a baby! That first year of work was HARD! Then we travelled for 6 months, which was amazing! I came back, moved areas and got a different job, and this was equally hard for the first year! And I imagine nursing will be the same, it's so much to learn, so much responsibility. Then we bought a house, got married, and 5 years after qualifying I'm pregnant with number 1. The broodiness came and went in those 5 years, sometimes I felt desperate for a baby, but sometimes i didn't want one at all! sometimes the feeling does pass once you find something else to focus on. you've got to be sure. I think I was actually more broody then that I am now that I'm actually having a baby! Haha. Your relationship has got to be like a rock! I look back now and know that at one year we weren't ready, we were in love and had a great relationship but we weren't ready. And I'm so so glad we travelled first! I would actually love to have travelled again before baby but we were more tied down by work this time.
I'm not saying don't go for it. But there might be lots of other things you want to do before. That hole where there isn't a baby can be filled by lots of other things until you are ready!! Maybe make a list with your oh of all the things you want to do, and weigh it up. If there really isn't anything else then maybe it is time. And if I had a baby then we would have been fine, and I don't think it's an age thing, lots of young mums are the best iv seen! Bit I'm glad iv waited. Xx
I was a MN regular whilst pregnant with DD under a different username, came back recently to lurk as TTC#2 (and failing miserably) but felt compelled to rejoin as I felt I could relate to you somewhat.
I was in my 2nd year of RMN training when I desperately started wanting a baby out of nowhere. Aged 23. Had been with (now) DH for 2 years by that point and knew he was the man I wanted to father my kids. Our plan was to wait, but when the condom split I chose to "see what happens..". Our DD is now 3.
It was hard, so so so hard. I had to return for my 3rd year when she was 2 months old. I balanced breastfeeding and dissertations and then my preceptorship. I left my crying baby at home to go and be verbally and physically abused in an acute ward. Some days I had to choose between staying home with my sick kid or letting the team down AGAIN (and babies get sick a lot as they don't have a hearty immune system yet). DH and I adore DD but we wished we waited, it was so hard for so long and now all I feel is that I rushed and missed the best parts of her growing up because I was too burnt-out from being newly qualified in acute psychiatry, from barely sleeping (babies don't like sleep!) and from being so skint.
I realise I'm being a bit miserable and self-absorbed here, but my advice would be to enjoy life for a bit. Have a holiday, A few months settling into your new role without having to come home and do piles of laundry, pay half your wages to a childminder, cook dinner and then the bath, brush, bed, book routine all with a big smile on your face because it's not your child's fault you had to 5(4) someone today and the crash alarms went twice and you were short staffed AGAIN.
Live a little, don't rush or you might not get to appreciate it.
I very much know how you feel. There was never a time when i havent wanted to be a Mum. I realised about 4 years ago i was ready but my husband (then boyfriend) wasnt ready. I left it alone but found it so hard. I still do. We have been together 7 years, im 29 DH is 35. We have decided to start ttc#1 in September. I am pleased now we waited as we have done good things with our time, had some amazing holidays, a wonderful wedding and we have bought our dream home. On the baby front Its never got any easier though. Even now we have made the decision to start trying i feel like every day i will break if one more friend gets pregnant. However, i know we have done the right thing as we have nothing to look back and regret. Believe me i know how hard it is but make the most of everything first.
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