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TTC after TFMR or miscarriage

(21 Posts)
GaryWilmotsWedding Mon 11-Jan-16 15:56:52

Hello ladies! I won't bore you all with the details of what has now become a very long story, but I had a termination in July last year after we found out our baby had Edwards Syndrome. It was, and remains, a shocking, bewildering and heartbreaking time. We have been TTC since we've been able to again but no luck so far. My due date passed last week and I'm feeling increasingly gloomy about it all. Anyone out there in a similar position who wants share the frustration and fear?! I can't seem to find any TTC after miscarriage threads active at the moment (apart from those TTC #1 and I am lucky enough to already have a little girl) so thought I'd start one myself!

Am becoming the kind of obsessive and jealous person I never wanted to be, so would love to hear from like-minded people gritting their teeth at every baby announcement, kind enquiry from family etc etc...come and let it all hang out here!

KittyandTeal Mon 11-Jan-16 16:01:52

I'm sorry for your loss. I also lost dd2 to T18 at 22 weeks. We had a tfmr a year ago.

I am now 5 weeks pregnant. I'm pretty sure there is an Angels and rainbows thread on conception somewhere. Otherwise I'll bump this for you.

Best of luck it happens soon (we stopped ttc, I spent Christmas getting hammered and do this baby is a bit of a surprise!)

GaryWilmotsWedding Mon 11-Jan-16 16:07:08

Hello Kitty, I remember you from the antenatal tests thread I started in the midst of it all - you were very kind and informative. How brilliant that you are now pregnant! It goes without saying that I wish you every bit of luck for a peaceful and very uneventful pregnancy! Can I ask how you managed to stay sane? I feel a rising sense of panic that something has fundamentally changed and I won't be able to get pregnant now..not exactly the ideal baby making frame of mind!

KittyandTeal Mon 11-Jan-16 16:22:57

Um, to be totally honest I didn't stay sane. I wound myself up each month, had many breakdowns in my counselling sessions about it.

Then I started having spotting in the middle of my cycle, plus pain. Gp, then later consultant, diagnosed probable endometriosis and andenomyosis which made pregnancy very unlikely. I spent time ok-img myself with our family as it was and started 'moving on' from ttc. We didn't use any protection because I was convinced I couldn't get pregnant and if it did happen then great. I had a stupidly busy term at work, went out and got drunk lots. Thought I'd double check on NYE before I drank a bottle of prosecco and bam, bfp! The prosecco will have to wait until baby arrives.

I'm only 5 weeks and already anxiety and terror are through the roof, however, I 'know' quite a few ladies on the Angels and rainbows thread who are immeasurably helpful.

Ttc and being pregnant after loosing a baby, especially to a chromosomal defect, is so, so hard. I don't trust my body one bit and that's a really hard feeling to live with.

leoniethelioness Mon 11-Jan-16 18:03:15

Gary - I am so sorry for your loss. Please feel free to join the TTC#1 thread. While most of us are trying for our first child, quite a few regulars already have a child or children. You're really welcome to join in.

Kitty - I'm sorry for your loss too. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

MyBlackCat Mon 11-Jan-16 18:09:28

Hi gary - I had a mc in June 14, have been trying since but no luck. Had all the tests and nothing wrong with either of us. After more than 18 months I seem to have got used to pg announcements etc - I'm in a state of acceptance that it will never happen, really frustrating as I know we can get pregnant. Currently waiting for IVF process to start.

I'm sorry for your loss - it's tough x

redstrawberries101 Mon 11-Jan-16 18:20:58

Hi everyone,

I'm from the TTC number 1 after miscarriage thread, had a miscarriage last week after scan showed baby had stopped growing. It has been really tough and likewise can appreciate your situations too.

My black cat have you tried acupuncture?

MyBlackCat Mon 11-Jan-16 21:15:43

Hi melvali not had acupuncture - would you recommend?

redstrawberries101 Mon 11-Jan-16 21:27:31

I've not had it but have read some amazing stories about it and generally have benefitted from alternative therapies following a pancreatic tumour diagnosis a few years ago (recovered now and got the all clear so far). Why don't you have a Google search and if you feel it could be helpful give it a shot? Anything is worth a shot in my opinion!

GaryWilmotsWedding Tue 12-Jan-16 08:50:07

Thanks guys - Leonie I might join you there then if that's ok. I know this is such a sensitive topic and that those without any children might see me as intruding, and I didn't want to offend. Thanks for the kind words.

Kitty what a tough time you've had. I'm so pleased for you that you've been able to conceive again. I fully understand about not trusting your body - I feel so let down by mine and feel like it's trying to play some kind of sick joke on me. Yep, I know I sound mad. Good luck, know that we'll all be willing you on!

Blackcat Thank you. I'm so sorry you're having to wait so long. I think I'm wishing my life away in two week blocks at the moment. I know I need to get a handle on it in case it runs into years or maybe never happens, but I'm deep in the wallowing phase right now!

Melvali I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel really raw right now. It's an incredible achievement to beat pancreatic cancer! you've had an unbelievable amount of shit to cope with. I'm really impressed by your strength.

thanks all, I really appreciate your responses xx

redstrawberries101 Tue 12-Jan-16 10:05:46

I was just very lucky that it was caught when it was.. It has been a tough few years though and was really looking forward to positive news/new chapter in our lives. Just taking it a day at a time and then hopefully we can try again X

Havetobecrazytolivehere Tue 12-Jan-16 13:55:19

Oh Melvali I am so sorry to see you on this thread. Your support really meant so much when I was going through my miscarriage before Xmas.
Gary I know what you mean about feeling worried and jealous of others pg, just a few months ago I was holding my friends newborn knowing I was going to be holding my own new baby this year and now I can barely look at her! I feel so greedy and ungrateful wanting to be pg again when I know so many people struggle to conceive their first. I have 3 children already and this was to be my last baby, but as much as I know I will never get back the baby I lost I still really want to ttc. It seems to take so long to get to CD14 and then AF is here! I have been keeping myself busy over Xmas, eating lots of Brie and enjoying wine, I am really hoping this will be a better year. So sorry for your losses blackcat & leonie, wishing you a fast and boring pg kitty

redstrawberries101 Tue 12-Jan-16 14:00:49

Aw bless you, the July thread really was full of wonderful people. I'm on every miscarriage thread on here now I think lol but it makes me feel better to be able to talk to people. I'm really worried about getting back to real life (im just staying at my mums at the mo and have been here since being discharged from Hosp) and then started the TTC journey again. I would love to be pregnant before my due date but it's just not in my control xx

Raeside Tue 12-Jan-16 14:03:33

Hi OP.

I'm in your boat, somewhat, although I guess I * only * had an ERPC at 11 weeks after the foetus failed to grow and subsequently died, and natural miscarriage just wasn't happening.

My body and cycles haven't been right since. I had a positive test on a pee stick in November but fairly shortly after had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. I feel a bit silly calling it a miscarriage, actually, it feels more like a false pregnancy where the sperm and egg met but failed to sort out accommodation.

Anyway we'd been trying for 13 months before we got pregnant in July last year, and it's now coming up to over 18 months, and I can't shake the feeling it's not going to happen cause my body is all weirded out! I, too, feel I can't moan too much as I have a lovely 2.5yr old DS and I'm 41.5yrs old and etc etc.

Tricky, huh.

Raeside Tue 12-Jan-16 14:07:05

And agreed - there are pregnancies and second babies popping up every-bloody-where right now. I'm generally excited for those involved but also feel quite teenager-y 'it's so unfair' on the inside. Never expressed, obvs.

KittyandTeal Tue 12-Jan-16 14:17:17

Rae allow yourself that teenager-y feeling, it's totally normal. I actually ranted and stamped my foot at my friend (who had also lost a baby) when one of our colleagues gushed about her 20 week 'gender' scan all whilst knowing that my 20 week ANOMOLY scan is where is all went wrong for us.

Raeside Tue 12-Jan-16 14:21:04

KittyandTeal It's been hardest keeping my mouth shut when pregnant mates who don't know I ended up in hospital bang on about how shitty pregnancy is. I mean, they're correctt, and it's totally within their rights to moan, but I found it so hard to not say, 'at least you HAVE a baby'. So ridiculous. Anyway, I didn't say it and haven't told them and their babies are almost here and I know when I see them I'll be all good. It's so silly, this whole thing.

GaryWilmotsWedding Tue 12-Jan-16 16:02:26

Phew - not just me then....

I sat crying in front of DH today wondering what more I could really ask for in life, but I am just so consumed by that exact teenager-y feeling you describe Raeside. Might get blasted for this, but I am terrified I am such a bad person that this isn't about the loss of the pregnancy/baby any longer and more that I'm such a brat I'm sticking my bottom lip out cos I haven't got what I want. I feel grief for the lost possibility of her life, and I'll always wonder who she would have been, but I think I'm afraid I have to admit I'm now in an 'I want, I want, I want!' frame of mind. Urgh, feel like such a shit. I am so very sad for the decision we had to make but I don't regret it. Just can't believe I'm busy POAS again, knicker spotting etc. I am obviously not one of life's more relaxed TTC-ers!

Raeside Tue 12-Jan-16 17:31:37

GaryWilmotsWedding I know exactly what you mean. I do have all those genuine feelings of pleasure for friends and family when they get upduff. At the same time I have a weird feeling of dread that a very close friend, who I know is trying for a second, will get upduff before me. That I dread. And all my teenager feelings don't cancel out the genuine happiness I feel for others but they do bloody well make it much harder to be cool. And I'm so cool (too cool, my husband would say) about everything else.

It's all so ridic. Does my head it.

My thermometer's battery is clearly going doolally and isn't working properly so whilst I wait for the replacement I can't temp. And I barely peed on sticks this month to track OV and by time I did (day 12) it was barely faintly positive, and I missed OV I'm pretty sure. Been OV'ing Day 16 till now. Christ knows what's going on. But I'm feeling more relaxed this month not being so involved. That does not, however, mean I won't be right back on it come next month!

I have to draw a timeline somewhere though. I'm old. Saying it and actually committing to it are two different things.

redstrawberries101 Tue 12-Jan-16 19:56:16

I'm so scared of this feeling.. Just trying to be grateful and count my blessings

primarynoodle Mon 15-Feb-16 20:19:12

Hi gary

Just wanted to pop in and wish you luck. Im sure it will happen for you soon! You were such a comfort to me in your messages when my world fell apart back in august - iirc your baby was diagnosed after a high nuchal and hydrops just like my daughter. We never managed to get a diagnosis though (although we know it wasnt a trisomy).

I am now pregnant and so far everything looks ok so there is always hope. Praying your bfp will be along any day now too. If you are still in contact with the arc forums theres a very active ttc after tfmr thread there too smile

Best wishes for you and your family (and everyone else on this thread too) xxx

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