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Should I try again at nearly 44?

(15 Posts)
jollyroger2 Sat 21-Nov-15 23:22:04

I appreciate that this is probably one for the post-40 conception thread, and if anyone from there reads this and comments, then that would be fab...

I had DD at 41 in November 13, conceived naturally although tests had shown low fertility in Feb 13 (AHM 2.5). Was about to do IVF when conceived naturally.

Assumed I'd only have one child as this felt like a 'miracle' conception, but urge to have another hit hard in early post-natal period, and started trying when she was about 9 months. Conceived third or so month, but MMC at 10 weeks last February (just after 43rd birthday).

Been trying since February, no luck, though we time it well and I ovulate every month, though admittedly don't do it enough (2 or 3 times only but timing is usually right). (Recently had an unrelated pelvic scan, and the sonographer happened to say that I had a good lot of follicles... and couldn't believe I'd ever had a low AHM reading... but who knows. I'm sure the quality is rubbish anyway).

DH never as keen as me for no. 2 (he's 46, I'm 44 in January, DC turning 2). We've pretty much given up. Should I keep going? Really really wanted a sibling for DC... but fear MC and other problems in pregnancy. DH thinks it won't happen now and I should just accept it. (Some days I feel as though I would do donor eggs, I'm that desperate, but I know he'd never want that. Other days I'm happy to count my blessings and be done. One child feels like enough).

Would you keep trying? Is there any hope left (or non-dodgy eggs, more to the point?). Would love to hear thoughts on having number 2 so well into the 40s, or with living with and accepting that I only have the one child (and I know I am beyond being blessed with her... utterly utterly blessed. I am so grateful for her and I hope that I don't come across as ungrateful!

sleepyhead Sat 21-Nov-15 23:32:22

Difficult. I do know a couple of people who had their second at your age, it's not impossible.

However as you know (I'm so sorry for your loss), miscarriage rate keeps on increasing so even getting pregnant is no guarantee of a baby to hold.

Ultimately, you could keep on trying until you hit menopause and choosing to use contraception when you want a baby is so, so hard, but so is the waiting each month, the disappointment and it goes on and on unless you get lucky.

Do you think you're in a place where you could put a time limit on it? Or do you think you'd get to your limit and want to continue? I'm not in a place to judge either way as I set a limit (at 40) and was lucky enough to conceive the month I turned 40 after 3 years of nothing and I know that I wouldn't have stopped then (although I suspect I would have by 43, partly because by then the age gap would have been so large - ds1 was 6.5 when ds2 was born).

You don't come across as ungrateful btw smile

Frecklesfrecklesfreckles4 Sun 22-Nov-15 00:21:57

Hi, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
I had 3 DC and found out I was pregnant at 44 but miscarried at 11 weeks. We then decided to actively ttc but went on to have a further three miscarriages, I was told my chances of a successful pregnancy were 50% each time. Due to the heart break of losing baby after baby we had decided to give up, at which point I found out I was pregnant again and this one stuck. My pregnancy was classed as high risk due to my age and history of miscarriage but it was very straight forward and my perfect little DD arrived shortly after my 46th birthday.
I fully understand that yearning to have a baby, I think it's heightened after losing a baby too, that "empty arm syndrome". I had three children who I love dearly but somehow felt the family was incomplete.
It certainly can happen but conceiving and sustaining a pregnancy can be difficult at our age. I found a lot of support from the ladies on the over 40 thread .
Best of luck with whatever you decide x

Rememberallball Sun 22-Nov-15 07:58:56

I'll be 44 4 weeks today and we are actively ttc number 1 (well, not this month, as I'm booked in for a HyCoSy test next Monday so having to abstain this month). My AMH level was 1.85 so pretty much 'no chance' without donor IVF according to my consultant. I spoke to my GP who said that egg reserves being low isn't itself an indication of poor quality (though age is a factor) so, though we could struggle to conceive, and there is a higher chance of problems occurring, it's not definite we'll never get pregnant without intervention and have a successful pregnancy and he'll support us through our continued trying.

Good luck if you decide to continue trying xx

Clara101 Sun 22-Nov-15 09:13:53

Hi jolly, I feel for you! I think freckles makes a good point about the risk of further mc and deciding whether we can cope with that is an important factor for all of us in trying at this age. But I wd say why not continue if you wd really like a second.. That way whatever happens you'll know it was as it was meant to be. I just turned 43 btw and trying for no3 ;-). I had mmc at 41 before dc2 came so know how horrible it is! Good luck whatever you decide, lots of support on MN xxx

Chchchchangeabout Sun 22-Nov-15 12:11:20

I would absolutely continue trying in your position. I would also do everything I could to stack the odds in my favour. There is an excellent book called it starts with the egg about how to improve your egg quality. You are only half of the story of course so his diet, vitamins etc matters too - and some research suggests he should keep his mobile phone well away from his baby making bits (!)

Chchchchangeabout Sun 22-Nov-15 12:12:58

I would also up the sex and not only stick to ideal timings - we fell the month we weren't really trying and had dtd outside the allegedly ideal 'window'

Inshock73 Sun 22-Nov-15 14:00:06

Hello Jolly, You sound very similar to me! I'm 42 and had my first baby, a little girl, in April, conceived at 41. Just like you I feel very very blessed to have conceived naturally and have a healthy baby (you're not being ungrateful at all), also just like you I was certain one would be enough especially as I hadn't even thought about having a baby until i was almost 40. However.... smile I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant, had a straightforward delivery and ended up saying I would do it again before I left the delivery room smile Somedays I think one is enough as I'm sure being an older mum makes the sleep deprivation harder but other days I wonder whether to go for it and see what happens.

It took me a year to conceive last time, 18 months if you include a mmc in March 2013, so I realise it might take a little while but on the other hand I also know of unplanned pregnancies happening to two work colleagues aged 45 and 47! They both had healthy babies so it can happen.

You sound realistic and knowledgeable so I'm not going to mention the risks and stats etc and besides healthy babies are born to women in their 40's. The consultant who looked after me during my last pregnancy said up to 45/46 is nothing unusual and there's no reason why you can't have a healthy pregnancy and natural delivery. She also said a lot of the older women she sees are healthier than the younger ones as they choose to have healthier diets and lifestyles.

I say go for it but take a relaxed approach, if it happens it happens. Good luck!

lollyb20 Tue 24-Nov-15 14:03:26

Hi everyone im a bit younger than 40 lol (24) and i think if you really do want another baby go for it i would!! Its not all about age i think if you can give a child a loving family and if you believe you are in the right place for another baby then do it is what i say. You wont regret it smile im totally supportive of older mums smile (not calling you old i promis smile ) xx

ChewyGiraffe Tue 24-Nov-15 22:52:54

I think I remember Freckles from the 40+ thread, mainly because she has such a wonderful story in conceiving her DC#4!

I'm also now a fan of Inshock with her encouraging anecdotes for age 45 - 47 (and congratulations on her DD too)!

If it helps to think there are others in a similar-ish position - I can say that I conceived my first aged 43, naturally and pretty easily, then DD arrived when I was very nearly 44. Given my age, it was always the plan to start trying once she was around 6 months old, but I ran into some poor health issues and lost a LOT of time. I did fall pregnant on my 45th birthday, but sadly had a MMC at 10 weeks. And yes the miscarriage was distressing, but its not like it only happens to women over 40 (or 45+) - it could've happened at any age.

I had thought I could set a time limit on TTC - a bit like Sleepyhead suggested - but for me, I've found it too difficult to switch off wanting another child like a tap, just because I've reached some arbitrary date. Several 'deadlines' have come and gone so I've given up making them - even now at 46 shock, there's a few months of trying left in me yet, I think. (And if we were lucky enough to get pregnant, I'd have no qualms about parenting; its not as if I struggle in any way to run round after my now 2 year old - I probably over-compensate, if anything.)

I hope you're not too hung up on AMH. I've no idea what mine is now (it was already lower than your 2.5 a year ago), but whilst the rest of my tests (FSH, follicle count) are OK, I'm trying to ignore it.

I know AMH is supposed to be the gold standard for quantity of ovarian reserve, but (as far as I know) I don't think it directly measures egg quality - more that there's an assumption that low quantity is bound to correlate to low quality. Then on the other hand, you read plenty of individual stories of women who conceived with very low/undetectable AMH and I recently read an article by an IVF clinic in New York, saying they'd established 50 pregnancies in women who had very low/undetectable AMH, since they'd started supplementing that category of patient with DHEA. Still, if anyone else could explain further/differently about AMH, I'd be grateful.

If I were you I'd be VERY encouraged by your pelvic scan. You said the sonographer wasn't particularly looking for follicles (the scan being for another purpose) but still said you had a "good lot of follicles" - and an amount which didn't match up with a low AMH reading. Surely that's great news?

From what you say, it sounds like you really do want another child, and I'm struggling to see a reason for you NOT to at least try ...

How do you work out your timing - do you use OPK's?

Perhaps consider posting on the over 40 TTC thread (here)? And you could always look at the pregnant at 40 and over thread for inspiration (here)!

jollyroger2 Wed 15-Jun-16 21:40:49

I know this a very old thread, but I'm the OP, and I just want to thank you all for your tremendously supportive and lovely comments.. I never did post back on this thread, as my computer somehow lost the link, and I just assumed the post disappeared! I have only just stumbled across the original post here and all these lovely replies! Thank you again - what a kind community!

As it happens, we did give up trying. That tends to mean abstinence in my household as lives pretty madly busy (!) and then... by amazing chance, and completely unplanned, I conceived in April. I'm now almost 11 weeks. Still have the hurdle of Harmony results and nuchal to get through, but my symptoms are so strong I feel more confident about not miscarrying this time. But you never know. Someone above (I'm so sorry not to have checked your name) mentioned their 11 week miscarriage - I'm so sorry - and the news of Gordon Ramsey's wife miscarrying at 5 months this week is terribly sad and sobering, but trying to stay positive.

Thanks once more for such thoughtful answers. I wish you all well!

Sakura03 Wed 15-Jun-16 22:41:20

Congratulations jollyroger2 how fantastic! It gives me hope (I'm approaching 38) - I'm ttc#1, nearly 2 years now and a mc at 6 weeks in May last year, so I love stories likes yours. All the bestflowers

JessieMcJessie Thu 16-Jun-16 00:02:05

Congrats Jollyroger! Fingers crossed for you. Read with interest as I am 29 weeks with my first aged 42 and idly wondering whether we might squeeze in a second. Crazy pipe dream as this one is IVF but you read so many stories of natural conception post IVF....hormones talking I'm sure.

VocationalGoat Thu 16-Jun-16 00:06:50

Congratulations!! I had DC3 at 42 so I'm always rooting for us 'old biddies'.

Best of luck!!

evelynj Thu 16-Jun-16 15:18:35

Congratulations! What happy news, I'm coming 39 & just realised I'm desperate for another, (was in denial that I didn't mind one way or the other after my 3rd mc with 2 dc).

I didn't realise that the mc risk increased so much, so that's something to look forward reading about to add to the anxiety! Good to hear stories of others up to 47 mind. I agree it's hard to stick to an end date

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