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Is it time to stop ttc no 2?

(20 Posts)
Singersewing Mon 22-Jun-15 19:36:53

I am all over the place on this so decided that using a mumsnet jury was as good a way as any of trying to make a decision. Me and DH are in our 40s with one son aged 2. If I got pg this cycle it would be a three year age gap. Every month I start to panic in the 2ww that I might be pg and think, 'this is it, I have definitely decided I don't want another.' Yet when my period comes I just feel sad, not relieved as I expected.
My head says no, the chance of a child with additional needs it too great and we have no family support and not enough money to buy in help, both our jobs are insecure. I am tired so much of the time and do not see how I could cope with two. I feel like I want to make major career changes and having two would probably scupper that. Ds probably wouldn't even play with sibling with three year age gap ( I never played with my brother of this age gap) and I wouldn't have as much time to help DS make his own friends if I have another child. We would be able to support ds through uni if he were an only, and maybe even send him to private school or at least afford to move out of our shitty school catchment area with one (which would actually be more expensive than sending him to private school where we live). But despite all these good reasons I just feel sad not to have another. Like there should be another child there. WWYD?

SoniaShoe Mon 22-Jun-15 19:51:27

Go with your heart, if you feel sad not to have another maybe it's worth trying?

I'm 40 and have a 3 yo DD and I'm starting to ttc#2. I've been through all those reasons why not and if it doesn't work out then they will be good things to fall back on ie we can give DD so much more in terms of travel, going out is easier with 1 dc and 2 adults etc. I'm only going to try until the end of this year but I want to give it a try. Aged-related additional needs do concern me though.

Oysterbabe Mon 22-Jun-15 20:10:00

Don't have a child, I don't think you really want one.

clairewitchproject Mon 22-Jun-15 20:15:15

Lets say you found out tomorrow that you have been getting false negatives and you are already 3 months gone. What is your first reaction, does your heart leap at that idea or sink? I am a firm believer in gut reaction telling you what you really want.

I'll tell you what me and DH did after 3 early miscarriages. I gave myself a 3 month window and said at the end of that 3 months, no more trying, we just accept what we have. I conceived DD on the final month we were ever going to try for a baby and I am now very glad that we did smile

Singersewing Mon 22-Jun-15 20:17:54

Oyster, I do want another. But I think I do want another if my circumstances were different. If I were ten years younger. But I am not. My head says, make a decision in the circumstances you actually have.

Singersewing Mon 22-Jun-15 20:20:26

I suppose my confusion is because I want my emotional response to align with my logical choice, but it doesn't.

Singersewing Mon 22-Jun-15 20:22:56

Claire, I think it would leap and sink. I don't seem to have a consistent gut. I panicked badly one month when I thought I may be pg, and was astonished to just feel an overwhelming sense of loss when my period came. It is all so messed up!

Singersewing Mon 22-Jun-15 20:24:16

Claire, actually, first reaction would be to leap. Then the fear would creep in too.

clairewitchproject Mon 22-Jun-15 20:32:22

Well I understand that. Our final ever TTC month I had a bleed - obv an implantation bleed but I thought it was all over and that was that and I was OK, quite looking forward to moving on with the kids I had. Then when nothing came of the bleed and I did a test and it was positive I was quite horrified for a moment.

Maybe setting a time limit would be good for you - you give your body a time limited further chance and if nothing happens you move forward in peace with a big list of reasons why this is better anyway smile

Heavymetalmater Tue 23-Jun-15 07:04:46

My husband has a good theory on how to test how you really feel. Flip a coin. Heads for another baby, tails to stop. You will know instantly that coin lands how you feel about the result. If you feel sad then you have your answer. Obviously you don't have to go with the result on the coin but it is a quick guage to how you really fee.

Singersewing Tue 23-Jun-15 17:09:32

Claire, we did set a deadline of my last birthday, but have extended past then.......
Heavy, I don't think that will really work. When I think I may be pg I panic and think, well that shows my gut is no, when I find I am not I feel sad and think that shows my gut is yes. Then that starts me off on the whole cycle again.
God, I really envy decisive people.
I think the major factor is fear of the risks at our age. With no family support it would be so hard with a child with a serious disability. Me and dh have only had one evening out together in over two years as it is. It is just tough to give up when the reason doesn't feel like a positive one.

chandelierswinger Tue 23-Jun-15 20:47:40

There's 3 years between my two and they are thick as thieves.

VenusRising Tue 23-Jun-15 20:55:45

Without meaning to sound facetious I think you could get a dog, or a cat.

If you can't afford two children, and have little family support, then just have the one. Think how would you cope with another healthy baby/child as it is and then think about having an unhealthy one, or having to make the decision whether to terminate a pregnancy due to genetic disorder.

Your body is playing peri menopause tricks on you, with elevated FSH levels making you broody.

Trust me! We've all been through this elevated broodyness as your ovaries go into overdrive to get you to the Last Chance Saloon.

You're already a mother, so relax and be thankful your days of nappies are over!!

joey38 Tue 23-Jun-15 20:59:19

Hi singer. I don't have an answer for you but I feel exactly the same way. I had my ds at age 41 and was really grateful to have had him. When he was one, we started ttc #2 but I was very indifferent about it - if it happened, then great, but no big deal if not. Fast forward 2 years and I've not even been close to having a bfp. I've gone through the whole range of emotions from 'I don't care, I'm happy with one' to 'we're going for IVF'. Every month my feelings change from day to day. One day I'm hoping my period is late so I can do a pregnancy test, the next day I'm really hoping that I'm not pregnant so I don't have to go back to that newborn stage. It's all so random. My only advice to you is not to think about it too much. I'm at the stage now where I know that I won't have any interventions to get pregnant, so we will just have sex without contraception and see what happens. Best of luck with your journey.

Athenaviolet Tue 23-Jun-15 20:59:56

Mine had a bigger gap and get on great.

If you are well into your 40s the risks with that would put me off though.

Singersewing Wed 24-Jun-15 15:25:48

Venus, you can't help a dog to grow and develop, to help it to find out who it is, to help it build resilience as it makes its own path in the world. You can't sit and talk at the dinner table with a dog, as an equal, once it has grown up. You can throw a ball for a dog and take it for walks. You can feed a cat and open doors for it.
I don't know. Ds is getting to the age where he is bored and restless when I need to do things in the house and can't play with him. Will that pass as he gets older? I don't know.
I'm hopefully quite a way off perimenopausal! Did get the maternal urge late though, and took a while to realise this wasn't just a phase, hence the mess I am in now. But as soon as I was pg I knew I wanted two. But at my age, there is a lot of fear with that desire.

Singersewing Wed 24-Jun-15 15:27:58

Joey, it is nice to know I am not the only one in this situation.

Julieb85 Wed 24-Jun-15 16:35:49

The old saying - you never regret the things you do, you only regret the things you dont...

VenusRising Thu 02-Jul-15 16:54:06

Singer, I don't want to rain on your parade, but once you're over 35 you are in fact peri menopausal. Being peri menopausal increases any maternal desire you have, as your hormones drive you to have another baby. It will have passed off in a year or two.

Maybe try and connect with your little boy some more and find some groups and classes for him, if you feel the problem is that he's lonely.

By all means have another baby, if that's what you want, but your advanced age, and declining egg quality, plus the fact you are far away from family support, even if you have a healthy baby, make me cautious on your behalf, hence my suggestion you get a dog for your boy.

Good luck with it all- in my experience the ttc journey is paved with all kingpins of stones- and I hope you achieve your dreams without stubbing your toes.

You are not indeed the only one in this situation. Lots of women have made the difficult decision not to have any more children at this advanced age, me included, except I decided not to ttc again in my late 30s.

It's not an easy decision, and believe me getting a dog or cat helps more than you might think now.

Anyhow, good luck!

confusedandemployed Fri 03-Jul-15 07:31:38

singer I too feel exactly the same way as you every month. It's so odd. I am 42, so is DH. There would be an identical age gap between DD and any new baby.
We're lucky to have plenty of support though and that probably makes the difference were it to happen for us.

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