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DH not ready to TTC, struggling to cope

(9 Posts)
nightandthelight Thu 18-Dec-14 19:41:41

DH and I got married a year ago, he is 23 and I am 26. In October DH agreed that we could start TTC once I was given the all clear by the cardiologist, this should happen on Christmas Eve.

I was incredibly excited as have wanted a baby since we got married but was waiting to graduate and get a permanent job which I have done. DH also has a permanent job and our combined income is not huge but enough to support a child comfortably.

However this week DH and I were discussing it and it turns out that DH does not feel ready. He insisted that we could still try as he had given his word but I want the father of my child to be fully on board! I have therefore accepted that I can't go ahead at the moment but am struggling to come to terms with it.

I have never been as happy as I have been the last two months and now it has all been taken away. I don't know the timescale for when DH will be ready so I don't have something to focus on.

Just wondering if anyone has advice on how to deal with the situation?

Rufus200 Thu 18-Dec-14 22:02:48

Hi nightandthelight

I have waited a long time for DH to be ready. Been together 9 yrs, married nearly 5. I'm 33 and have PCOS and low fertility, so about a year ago I started telling DH he needed to get ready. In May I had my fertility tested again and although it was slightly lower, I could wait another 6 mths. We are just starting TTC now. DH has said this week that if we could wait another year he would rather but he understands it is now or possibly never. I've also just been told to hold off TTC as my HPV is back but I've been dealing with that since 2008 and it isn't going to magically go away.

I think that you are both still young and have time on your side. I'm pushing DH but he has had a long time to get used to the idea and we do have a time limit.

I would sit down and ask him what his 5 year plan is and where children fit into it. I'm always telling DH that i can't read his mind so unless he tells me what is going on then I'm planning for both of us in my head.

Does he have many friends with kids or that are married?

nightandthelight Fri 19-Dec-14 08:25:15

Hi Rufus good luck with the TTC, hopefully you get your BFP soon! I realise that we are both young but somehow that doesn't stop my broodiness. How did you manage all those years, any tips?

Every time I sit down with him to discuss the goal posts seem to move, first of all it was six months after getting married, then this January and then it was May 2015 and now it seems to be August 2015. I expect that it will move again after that! I'm just worried that the goal posts will keep moving for years until it is too late.

He doesn't have any friends with babies unfortunately although my friend has just had one and is coming to visit in the New Year so hopefully that will help!

Sorry feeling very sorry for myself today, must stop whining and focus on making DH happy!

snowberry86 Fri 19-Dec-14 09:04:22

23 is very young and he has a lot of growing to still do. I know it's frustrating but I would try to enjoy each other's company for now and work on building a perfect marraige that is ready to support a baby whenever it comes along.

I'm 28 and hubbie is 30. I have wanted a baby from being 22 but have held off and held off because I needed us to both feel ready. We have been ttc for 9 months so far and to be honest we still question if we are ready. Should be book another holiday, see more of the world? Should we wait until Weve done the next step on the career ladder? We decided we would start ttc and see how it went. So far it's not been going too well and so it's likely to be a while yet anyway. Only problem now is I find it really difficult not being able to make firm plans as we just don't know when we will end up getting pregnant!

nightandthelight Fri 19-Dec-14 09:40:27

Hi Snow. I do realise that he is still very young although I often forget because he is so mature in most things!

Appreciate that I obviously have the problem here, unfortunately I don't have a close family so have no one to talk to. Will look into some marriage counselling.

Thanks for the support ladies and good luck with your TTC!

Quitelikely Fri 19-Dec-14 09:44:10

He still wants a baby so that's key here. Is honestly best not to rush him. Having a baby is like throwing a bomb into your marriage, yes really.

Enjoy life first. You won't regret it for a second. I promise you that!

nightandthelight Fri 19-Dec-14 13:11:50

Thanks for the advice Quite smile I will try my absolute best! I'm probably just feeling so bad because it's the immediate aftermath of plans being changed and will get used to it hopefully smile

jellypi3 Fri 19-Dec-14 14:27:01

Yeah don't rush. My DP and I are 24, he has wanted a baby for quite a few years whereas I was totally against it.

However recently a couple of friends have started having kids, and we are in a really good position financially etc, so I decided we would start trying smile It's brought DP and I a lot closer. I'd just give him time, don't pressurise him smile

nightandthelight Fri 19-Dec-14 14:30:42

Thanks jelly, good to hear such a positive story and good luck!

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