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Would you tell a friend who was having trouble conceiving that you are ttc no2?

(9 Posts)
Shocktothesystem Sat 29-Mar-14 23:35:31

Just looking for some advice...I met up with one of my best and oldest friends this evening for a meal and drinks. She has been ttc no1 for just over a year. She has pcos but apart from that there are no other major issues, and the specialists she is seeings are confident she will conceive with the aid of fertility medication in time. Im not trying to down play her situation - just to set the scene. I know it must be horrendously stressful and soul destroying for her...my heart breaks for her at the moment because is the lovliest person I know and would make a brilliant Mum.

I never ever ask anything about her treatment unless she brings it up, because I know she might just want to escape thinking about it, so I always let her bring it up. I always subtly let her know that I am here for her though, especially as I know that apart from close family, I am one of only 3 friends who know.

She brought the subject up tonight and updated me on the situation etc, and the subject followed of when do I think I will have my next one. Now I know this could be her preparing herself so she isn't upset by any baby news, but I think she was genuinely asking as a friend. So I admitted that we have just started ttc number 2. She seemed really happy, and the conversation eventually moved on, but not long after our meal, she said she felt sick and was going to go home.

I am now worrying that I upset her by telling her our plans and that I have done the wrong thing. If I'm honest, if I hadn't known that she was ttc, I probably would have dodged the question, but I suppose I thought that it would be nice to be able to chat if we are both ttc. Now I'm worried that I was being insenstive. I just don't know. It's not like it is guaranteed to be a straightforward journey for me...dd was a surprise, but her birth was very difficult, I've had quite a lot of gynae issues since, was breastfeeding until recently, and have been told since I had her that I have a uterine fibroid. So it may not be a quick conception for me.

Did I do the wrong thing? And how do I deal with the fact that I am lucky enough to have one small child myself, whilst being supportive of the fact that she is still waiting to have number one? I feel like she must be thinking "its ok for you". Thanks

ImAThrillseekerHoney Sat 29-Mar-14 23:43:23

I think if she asked outright, then you shouldn't have to lie. But it's possible that she then became irrationally (but forgivably) upset with your perfectly reasonable answer and just couldn't cope. Infertility can lead you into situations where you suddenly simply can't cope with everyday family chitchat. As long as she wasn't rude or unkind then don't feel guilty but cut her a mile of slack. Of course maybe she actually did suddenly feel sick.

Best of luck to both of you.

barkingtreefrog Sun 30-Mar-14 16:22:58

As someone who has ttc number 1 for over 2 years now I think she was probably, as you suspected, preparing herself for possible baby news. In her situation I would be the same. I look at all my friends suspiciously, wondering who is going to spring the baby news next, and it's a relief if I know they're not trying. She could have genuinely felt sick, or it could be that as the realisation hit home that you might have two children while she was still be trying for one it was a bit overwhelming and she wanted to deal with it herself and not let you see she was upset.

I found out a mutual friend was pg while out for dinner with friends the other night and promptly burst into tears and hid in the toilets. Failing to conceive (and in my case having a mc after almost 2 years of trying) is incredibly painful and hits you in ways you would never have believed before it happened to you.

HKat Sun 30-Mar-14 18:37:23

I was in this situation recently - I'm ttc #2 whilst my closest friend has been ttc#1 for nearly 2 years. Like you, I deliberated long and hard whether to tell her, but eventually took the view that it would hopefully be less painful for her if she knew it was potentially in the offing. I waited for her to ask though, and still don't bring up the 'progress' (or lack of it sadly!) unless she asks. I also took advice off here and told her casually in an email rather than face to face, so she had the chance to digest the info. I know she was still hurt though and dreads me falling pg first. But I also know she'd have been very hurt to have been excluded from my plans. Difficult situation all round.

Bunbaker Sun 30-Mar-14 18:40:18

No, I wouldn't. I don't understand why trying for a baby is anyone else's business but your own. I don't get this publicising TTCing at all.

EverythingCounts Sun 30-Mar-14 18:45:56

If she asked, then while you could have lied, you're not in the wrong to answer honestly. I would not make any further reference to it, though, and if she asks again I would say there's no news and move on quickly. It is tricky and there is no good way round it. Hopefully she will get pregnant soon.

Shocktothesystem Sun 30-Mar-14 21:18:55

Thanks all for your answers, and for those who have shared their experiences from the other side, that is really helpful. It is so so hard because as I said, she is one of my best and oldest friends (I have two, she is from childhood) and we talk about absolutely everything - she is the only person I ever tell everything about anything to, so it would feel weird not to tell her when she has asked directly.

Although having said that, I would actually never usually tell a soul that I was ttc, even her, because I think it adds pressure if anyone knows and to me it is a very private thing, but I guess I felt like it was unfair of me to hold back/lie when a. She asked me outright, and b. She told me from day 1 that she was ttc and has since gone on to share her difficulties and feelings about it with me. I suppose I felt that if she would find it less of a shock to know it was a possibility, it would lessen the blow.

bunbaker did you actually even read my op? Because you will find that I didn't 'publicise' it at all - my oldest and best friend who I share everything with asked me outright, on the spot.

Bunbaker Sun 30-Mar-14 21:20:35

Sorry. I must have missed that bit.

Shocktothesystem Sun 30-Mar-14 21:22:49

First and third paragraph

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