Friend having IVF - what to do

[crazyhead]

My close friend is having IVF at the moment, and I am 8 weeks pg. She's a very dear friend, and I am worrying a lot about doing the right thing.

This is her second round of IVF and age means there won't be many more. Her first resulted in a BFP but sadly miscarried before 12 weeks. During her first attempt, we met up a lot and I was able to support her (I had experienced similar symptoms of threatened miscarriage to her in my first pg, only in her case they went on to end in miscarriage).

This time, I've been texting her my support but I've almost been avoiding meeting up because of my own pg - it feels no time to tell her about it but duplicitous not to tell her given we are discussing her IVF. This is making me feel like a s* friend. It's difficult because we're at the age where so many friends have kids or are pregnant, so there isn't like there's an army of people in a similar situation.

I'm longing for this to work for her, but already worrying about what happens if it doesn't, and she then has to hear about my pregnancy in the immediate aftermath (obviously my current pg may not even been viable - who knows?).

If you've been through this yourself before, do you think it is the right thing for me to be a little distant during this, because of me being pregnant?

And should I just hold off telling her as long as possible? Even if IVF works I think the first trimester will be excruciating given last time.

Sorry for long-winded message.

[FrankellyMyDearIDontGiveADamn]

When you tell your friend is up to you, though I'd be at least waiting till after scans, etc.

My best friend was ttc at the same time as us and held off telling me till she was 14 weeks. I understood her reasons, as she had also struggled ttc and she knew how I would feel.

Whatever you do, don't tell others if you are not prepared to tell her yet. She will be even more hurt if she finds out from someone else.

I'm still ttc now, almost 3 years so far, and the worst thing my friend could have done was try to avoid me. You feel inadequate enough as it is when you are struggling, and to have people avoid you makes you feel like you are a leper and your woes are somehow contagious.

Be kind and supportive to your friend. Don't feel you have to hide your pregnancy but equally don't talk about it constantly. Your friend will need some sense of normality so don't make a big deal about it all.

[blondebaby111]

Hi, I wouldn't distance yourself as people have done that with me and its not nice but I would just really really support her, ask lots of questions, ask how she's feeling etc. I'm also around a few preg people at the min and I think the worst thing as well is when they constantly go on and on about there pregnancy...its all I hear which is quite selfish. She will be happy for you, trust me, but just don't ram it in her face twenty four seven. But please please please don't av oid her, just be there for her xx

[EuroShaggleton]

Frankel gives good advice.

Personally, I would want a close friend to tell me about a pregnancy in those circumstances. I don't want to be treated differently because I have fertility ishoos.

[keepitgoing]

Yes, definitely don't avoid her. I'd wait till after the scan to tell her, but I know what you mean about feeling like you're lying. My sister waited till 9 weeks to tell me and I was a bit upset she waited, but we are v close. And definitely make sure she finds out from you, not through the grape vine.

[blondebaby111]

I just re-read your post and didn't realise she didn't know..I would tell her. One of my friends kept it from me and I was very upset and although I understood the reasons entiredly I really would have liked to know.

[crazyhead]

Thank you to all of you - that is really helpful to hear from your perspectives. I'll just carry on calling my friend and checking if there's anything I can do, and I will tell her about me as well at the most natural point, but not bang on about it. And fingers crossed IVF'll work for her - I really hope so.

[Pollykitten]

I just wanted to say the fact that you're thinking it through and wanting to do the best thing possible shows you to be a good friend - not all the best conversations are easy to have - it's probably OK to say to her that you don't completely know how best to approach it with her - although I agree with the other posters about making sure you tell her before or at least at the same time as anyone else you tell. If you get stuck, ask her how she feels and take it from there.

[HerrenaHarridan]

Yes please please don't distance yourself, if it all goes well for you and she distances herself try and be understanding.

I would tell her at the same point you would have told her anyway wether that's now or 12 wks or whatever then don't mention it again unless she does

[barkingtreefrog]

I'd second the advice, at the point where she knows you are pg, to not bring it up unless she does. I am not going though IVF but I have been ttc #1 for 16 months and I find it difficult to talk to a pg colleague about her pregnancy. She doesn't know I'm ttc so has no reason to be tactful around me, but I do find that some days I'm able to talk to her about it whilst others I just can't face it and it really upsets me. Your friend might be the same so if you can manage it just take the cue from her and don't mention your own pg unless she initiates it.

[crazyhead]

Just to say thanks for all of your advice again, and that I did decide to tell my friend and I think it was the right thing to have done. The advice to be authentic and do what I normally would have was really helpful, because the truth is I would always tell good friends early. I'll also take your advice not to bang on about it if it does work out OK.

All the best getting your long overdue BFPs to all of you who gave me such good advice from such tough personal experience xx

[CandlestickOlder]

I was in this position and told my friend face to face with others around. She was visibly upset and left and almost angry with me (accidental pregnancy).

I had a miscarriage but am hoping to get preg again. This is over two years later now.

When I hopefully get my bfp I will text my friend first. I will say I want her to know but I know it's hard to hear and I so wish you were preg with me. Wanted to tell you before I saw you.

Might give her time to digest it.