Please help - Baby or career now?(32 Posts)
I'm sorry if this is posted in the wrong place. Not been on this much yet.
I am not far away from being 25 and I will be married a year in November. My and dh have always said we would start ttc after our anniversary.
He now thinks I only want to get pregnant so I don't have to worry about my work situation.
Basically I graduated in 2009 with a Master is maths and physics. Due to where I live and there not being many jobs I have a full time job which has very little to do with my degree and I am probably overly qualified. I was fine with this until I started to have problems at my job with work colleagues etc and now my work is really starting to get me down.
My DH has picked up on this and sees me me wanting to have kids as avoidance on my part. No my Mum has picked up on how I am feeling and is pushing me to retrain as a teacher, something I have always thought about doing. She doesn't know I want kids soon.
I have always wanted to be a mum young, that is how my Mum did it and she got on very well. Until now DH agreed.
My question is, do I forget the babies thing now and go and do my teacher training like everyone wants and come back to the kids thing when I am 35 or so, or try for kids now and worry about a career later like I have always intended to do!
Argh! I just hate disapointing people....
DH and I started trying when I was 25. DS didn't come along until I was 28. Mind you I did my LPC while I was pregnant and started a training contract when he was just over a year old. It doesn't have to be baby or career, you can do both.
Do you actually want to be a teacher by the way? You said "like everyone wants me to". Do you want to?
It's difficult to say what to do, as things don't always turn out the way you expect.
For what it's worth, I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago (now 28). Aged 25, I was quite newly married and kind of broody. I had worked very hard at getting a good career but was made redundant and my world was shattered. I thought that it would be a good idea to have a baby and think about my career later, once the economy had picked up etc.
We started TTC without any luck and i'm still not pg, but in the meantime I found my dream job and now love my child-free life. Personally, now that I am happy and fulfilled in my career (and more financially comfortable) the broodiness has died away and the TTC is on hold for the moment. I now feel too young to think about kids and have started really enjoying my nights out, long lies, holidays etc. Of course, you have to add into the mix the fact that we TTC for quite a long time without success.
So, what I'm trying to say is that is really difficult to make these kinds of decisions, and what seems like a good idea can change over time. Having a job I love has changed me though and dramatically improved my life, so do not underestimate the importance of being happy in your career.
I was in the middle of a phd when i got pg with ds in.late 2009, aged 25. Not great timing, not a lot of money, no job lined up. I finished phd and was sahm and when ds was 11 months i graduated and found a part time job only vaguely relatedcto ny phd which is a lovely place to work and so family friendly.
The point is me and dh wanted to have kids young and my career will pick up again when the kids go off to school - i think just do what feels right and job stuff tends to kind of sort itself out round your new responsibilities when the baby arrives, whether that means being sahm or working part time for a few years when your kids are young and then focusing on.career/retraining when the time is right. Good luck with it all
i was always career, career, career and didnt even like/want kids. then i accidentally got pg and mc'd, was relieved more than anything, but some kind of hormonal switch got switched and i wanted a baby. i'm really glad it did, i'm now 26 with a 6mo and wanting the next. being a young mum seems a bit out of fashion but my daughter is the best thing since sliced bread and i watch older friends 35+ with young kids or desperately trying to conceive and i'm glad thats not me. i now actually wish i'd started younger! by the time i'm 45 my kids will be pretty independant and i have all THAT time to devote to my career so i'm not getting on their nerves - life feels happier now i've let myself drop that 'i have to achieve everything now first while im young' drive.
yes, you might have to financially rely on husband and family more for now, but that really is the way of the world - how can you leave school and immediately land a great job and family home? its just not feasible for most. in most cultures, the older generations help 'set up' the younger with a new yurt/herd of reindeer/houseful of furniture etc when they marry.
i have therefore put my energy into not feeling guilty about accepting help, and doing my best to ensure i'm in a position to do the same for mine!! dd1 has a savings account already
Depending on family is not without its risks.
See the many threads on here about problem in laws.
Hi Hun my situation was v similar to yours - all the academic stuff out the way with great results, I even had my pgce place (always knew I wanted to teach). But the more partner & I talked the more we wanted a baby. In the end I got BFP 3 months before start of teacher training. The Uni were amazing & offered to defer but somehow, after DS arrived, I never went back. It became a case of needing to make £ immediately to give him all he need / I wanted him to have. & my confidence (brain!) went crazily downhill during pregnancy. Years later & iv got a well paid job...but still feel bitter that I never took the chance to teach. My situation obv may be nothing like yours - I should def add that partner left me towards the end of my pregnancy so £ really was an issue for me & I don't drive so the idea of getting though the pgce on my own, being away from DS do much & having to fund childcare etc wasn't realistic. If your DP is supportive & well paid ul prob be fine. But I know it's a toughy weighing up career ambitions against when to have a baby. Both are amazing & sometimes the 'wrong' choice can actually become a lost opportunity
I would encourage you to think about your career and try for a baby at the same time. We've been trying for a baby for 3 years already and I am bored of my job but now feel I need to stay as they know we're doing IVF and so I can get all the time off I need. I know it sounds harsh but just because you decide you want a baby doesn't mean it will happen straight away and you don't want to be stuck in a job you don't like while you wait
Also, I've learnt not to feel too much loyalty for an employer having been made redundant out of the blue twice. Do what is right for you, an employer will cope if you get pregnant, even if you haven't been there long.
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