TTC causing problems in relationship

[lovesmountains]

I'm a long time lurker on the conception thread always reading some wonderful advice and support but now I'm in need myself and wonder if you could help me.

Have been TTC DC2 for 20 months after asking DH for 18 months previously to start to TTC. He didn't want another dc at all but following a near fatal accident, changed his mind and realised it would be wonderful if it happened.

We live hundreds of miles from any family and we are a little isolated in location so it would be wonderful for DD, plus it is difficult for me to accept having an only child,( I am very close to my brother and sister) especially as she is on her own so much of the time, and no where near cousins.

The problem now is that every month I'm not pregnant,( Im 43) I get upset and feel tearful and sad, my dh gets really annoyed with me.
I'm told to get a grip, there are people with much worse problems( he is totally right I know) and I'm told he should be able to come home after work to a happy home with no problems.(dinner is always on the table, house cosy and I work too)

Ive tried to sit down with dh and talk about how this makes me feel when he says this. I've asked him to give me a hug instead, say don't worry, we'll try again, and then I will feel better and my sad feeling will last 10 minutes. This has never yet happened.

I totally realise how lucky I am to have dd and am not a depressed sort of person but I am finding this TTC difficult and its making me quite emotional.

However he refuses to hug me and develops a
'self preservation' attitude which involves becoming very cold and distant with me. This can last hours or even a day or two.

Hence, I'm sad as I'm not pregnant and extra sad as I feel totally alone in my marriage at a time when a little support could change everything.

Am I asking too much of my husband, to support me with just a hug and a few nice words? To be honest, I'm getting really quite down about the lack of support from him, and am worried to go home if I'm feeling sad as I know this will lead to the 'cold treatment' from him and I just can't bear it anymore.


Thanks for taking the time to read this, any thoughts gratefully received.

[onoffon]

Hi lovesmountains.

I don't have any helpful advice but just wanted to say I really feel for you.

I'm in a slightly different position - under 30 and TTC our first for nearly a year - but I know that monthly feeling of disappointment only too well.

My DH has been brilliant, and you're right, that a hug and a few nice words are what get me through the disappointment when AF arrives.

I really don't think you're asking too much of him - but thats not particularly helpful advice!

I think if it was me, I'd ignore his frostiness and go and hug him and say 'don't worry, we'll try again next month' to him - may sound weird and he might think you're nuts - but at least you'll get to hear the words and have a hug, and eventually it might sink in with him how you're feeling.

Failing that - come on MN every month when AF arrives and we'll support you

[lovesmountains]

Many thanks onoffon for taking the time to reply, and lovely, calm, sensible words, I'll try that.

Sorry to hear you are having difficulties TTC,
wishing you lots of luck and a BFP very very soon.

[neverlookback]

i dont think your asking too much at all, my dp can be just like your dh at times and when all i need is a hug and some sympathy and he just doesnt give it, it makes me so much worse!! i just dont think they understand emotionally what it feels like to be ttc and it keep not working, my dp is not good with emotions at all, as i dont think he was given much love when he was younger. we have only been trying for 2 months and im already hating the emotional roller coaster it takes you on. i know that lonely feeling very well when all you need is them but they just dont give it, i try to be the same back but it just doesnt work!! big hug for you and fingers crossed for you ttc x

[LittleGreenBean]

So sorry to hear you're not getting the support you need. In my experience with my dh, he doesn't seem to realise that the hugs and the conciliatory words really do make us ladies feel better, rather than being made to feel like we're making a fuss over nothing.

Perhaps it's true about men feeling like they are under pressure to 'fix' things and no realising that that's no necessarily what's needed (although it would obviously be nice!) Keep your chin up and keep trying!

[lovesmountains]

Thanks neverlookback and sorry to hear your dp isn't understanding either whilst TTC.

My dh also had no love at all as a child so I do try and remember that, it all just got the better of me this month.
After TTC for 20 months and 43 years old I'm feeling like it might never happen.
He asked me to consider taking anti depressants this month, (shock) how crazy is that, just a hug and a few kind words and I'd be feeling much better.
Lots of luck to you TTC,


And thanks littlegreen, yes definetly married a practical man who can turn his hand to any job and is very used to fixing things, I must be a real problem to him!
Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[neverlookback]

aw thanks my dp is also a very practical man too!! your not too old it just may take longer, do you chart? or you could ask doc to prescibe clomid which help you ovulate, but im not very clued up on all this but ive seen others talk of it on here. my sister in law who lives in Oz was 40 when she had her ds1 and 42 ds2 and my brother is 45 i think it keeps you younger in a way. Good luck xxx

[lovesmountains]

Thanks for the encouragement, never, yes not too sure on clomid etc but Im back to doctors this week.

Initially, husband had a very poor sperm analysis but has since taken antibiotics and its improved somewhat. I'll see what GP says this week.

Glad to hear lovely news about your brother and SIL.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Maybe totally wrong but just a thought ...

Does your DH think that each month it doesn't happen it is somehow his fault? Therefore he feels very defensive and is not in a good place to be able to reach out to you?

Men can think that it is a test of their manhood whether they can get you pregnant or not!

Therefore when you ask for hugs he feels its his fault and is resentful/upset at you "making a fuss" and perhaps he feels that you are rubbing his nose in it by being upset. He may even think you are doing it on purpose to make him feel bad.

Of course you aren't, because you don't think it is his fault at all. But do you see what I mean?

Sorry if totally wide of the mark!

x

[Bumpsadaisie]

Just seen he has low sperm. I am sure he must feel responsible for the ongoing lack of baby.

[lovesmountains]

Thanks for the thoughts bumps, uummm, not sure, but could be. I'll delicately try and ask.
What a wonderful place mumsnet is, thank you all for your help.