Advice needed on really dissuading DS (age 10) from wanting to attend the birth of DD...

[waddlelikeaduck]

Hi,

my DS (aged 10) has really gotten it into his head that he should be there for the birth of his little sis and will not listen when I explain why he cannot be there..

I've told him;

1. the hospital don't allow it - he said he'll sit outside on a chair
   
2. it may be a very long labour - he said he'll sleep on the chair while waiting
   
3. he won't like seeing me in pain - he just shrugged his shoulders and said thats ok and that he is very mature and can handle it...
   
4. I've told him he can come and see her asap - he insists he wants to be there the second she comes
   
5. I've said it might happen while at school - he said I can pick him up on the way..
   
   anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle this stubborn but caring little boy...?

[FaintlyMacabre]

Show him a video of someone giving birth? Might put him off a bit.

[Tambajam]

How far along are you? Can he come to a scan or have a chat with a midwife at an appointment?

[ib]

I think that's lovely of him. Personally I would let him do it, but then I'm planning on letting my 3yo be there for the birth of his brother (home birth though), so I'm not exactly mainstream on this.

Letting him watch some videos of women giving birth is probably a good preparation.

[alarkaspree]

I am amazed that he wants to be there. And it's sweet of him. But bonkers. He has probably got the idea from TV comedies where it is de rigeur for a woman's family, friends, ex-boyfriends etc to all crowd into the hospital waiting room while she is in labour.

But presumably he wants to help and support you so I would just say to him that you will need to focus on having the baby and want calm and privacy and not to be worrying about him. And he is not coming.

[Littlefish]

I agree with alaraspree.

I very much doubt the hospital would let an unaccompanied child sit in the corridor.

You really won't want to be worrying about him when you're in labour so I think you are just going to have to say no, and stop discussing it.

[CarGirl]

I think I'd just say no that I don't want him to so me naked and/or hearing me screaming.

I could have coped with my toddlers/young children being there if I had a home birth but I wouldn't want my 10 year old watching IYSWIM.

[mmrred]

Just say no. There are going to be lots of things it wouldn't be appropriate for him to do in his life.

I thought it would be OK for my DD (then 13)to be with me for part of my labour. Unfortunatley just as she was coming in I started fitting, the baby's heartbeat dropped and there was pandemonium with staff grabbing me etc. She was absolutely terrified.

[Paolosgirl]

Just say no - you really do not need to explain. End of story, not up for discussion, move on.

I have a (very) stubborn DS as well btw. I know how difficult it is sometimes, but on this occasion, if you don't want him there (and I don't blame you) then it's a simple no.

[unfitmother]

I remember a 14yr old girl comimg in with her mother, they had been in the car together. The poor girl was in shock, we were all convinced she's never have her own!

[Mamazonabroomstick]

discovery chanel.

let him watch a real birth.

DS has seen one and i can assure you he would never want to see one ever every again

[mangosTrickyrice]

If it was my (imaginary) 10 year old, I wouldn't want him there because to relax and have the best birth possible, I'd need to know that he was somewhere else, nice and safe, and not be stressing about him.

So that's what I'd tell him - "It's going to be much harder for me to do this if you're there, because I'll be worrying about you outside on your own and I need to be focused on me and the baby. Sorry"

You need to think through your actual reasons for not wanting him there, and then be honest about it. And it is your birth, your needs do come first even though he sounds like a lovely boy

[Mamazonabroomstick]

know exactly what is likely to happen?
it may be worth giving him quite a details and graphic explanation.

That i am going to have contractions, it will be very painfull and i may get quite upset. baby will then be slowly pushed down from my tummy and will come out through my vagina. there will be lots of blood and fluid. i will be ok but again it will hurt very very much.

I reckon all the talk of blood and womens fanjo's would have him scared enough

[AnyGhoulKno]

Just say no. You don't have to bargain with him - he's 10.

[PoppyIsApain]

Awww bless him, what a sweetie

[cece]

Surely you are the parent? Just say no, give no reasons!

[waddlelikeaduck]

thank you everyone,

I'm 37+2 so its pretty imminent and I have done the blank outright 'no' and he still witters on about it...

I think I'll try and find a film of one so it'll put him off and ask my DH (his DSF) to reiterate that its unsuitable....

[mangosTrickyrice]

Loads of births here, mostly home births though. Actually they might not be scary enough, it could backfire

[choosyfloosy]

I would move on to discuss with him whether there are things to help after the baby comes home that he would like to be 'his' things?

Would he, for example, like to be the person who makes breakfast in your new family? every day, weekdays, one day at the weekend? Would he like to start planning menus? Or be the nappychanger? Would he like to write all the thank you letters for the presents after the birth?

This is really simple - either you want him there, in which case fine, or you don't. If he keeps going on about it, don't respond, talk about something else.

[bigcar]

I'd just say no, if he's stubborn (like my dcs) getting into a conversation about it won't help. This is the one time you are allowed to be completely selfish. Be careful about putting him off via watching a birth, remember he will probably be a dad himself one day and we don't want his dw on here moaning how terrified her dh is of watching her give birth

[saintmaybe]

Well, I think my reason for not wanting anyone there would be if i thought it would be harder for me / inhibiting, etc.
I don't know if that's one of your reasons, but if it is, then tell him that, because, tbh, all the other reasons are arguable, and he's arguing them!

[jaype]

You could try telling him that he should save the experience for the arrival of his own children as it will make that more special? Or you could just tell him that if there's an emergency he'll get in the way as he's too young. Might have to strike a balance on how much you scare him with that one, though.

[AnxiousBump]

just wanted to add that iwas 10 when i watched the birth of my sister and my mum was not happy at first to agree to the whole idea as she had a heart attack the previous year and she would be hooked up to machines the whole time.
But i got my way so to speak and although i went pale at one point which worried my mum it was a beautiful experience and im so glad i did as it helped me bond with my sister and i got to give her first feed and we have been inseperable ever since

i dont know if you feel different as its your son not daughter but i deff would recommend it...plus it hasnt but me off currently 17wks with first dc

good luck