How do you know if you have a good midwife or not?

[AlisonJB]

I've spent the past few hours reading lots of posts on MN and it seems to me that the most positive birth experiences and least problems with tearing, stitching etc, happened to those of you who had good midwives.

The midwife I saw for my 16 week check up (it' my first baby) was not the one I'd initially seen and when I tried to ask her questions about elective caesareans and how to make the best birth choice for me - who I should talk to, where I can research, etc, etc, she just brushed me away and seemed pretty uninterested in my worries. Everything is proceeding well with my pregnancy - I'm now 25 weeks, but I've spent the last couple of months just worrying more and more about the birth and feeling utterly out of control about it. I think it's probably made worse by the fact that I am older (39) too.

Should I go for an independent midwife, or a doula? Help! Any advice welcome!

[SixSpotBurnet]

Hi Alison,

Sorry that you had such an unhelpful midwife at your last check-up.

Mumsnet is a pretty good place to research, really - there are a lot of very knowledgeable women, including several doulas, on here!

I have given birth three times and had a doula with me third time around and honestly, I wish I'd had one for the first and second births too! I do thoroughly recommend having a doula. An independent midwife would have been even better but the cost would have been prohibitive for me.

[Tommy]

you may not see that MW again anyway. I think you know if you have a "good" MW by the way you get on with her - it will depend on each personality IME

I never saw the same MW twice when I was pg with DS1 but the one I had for Parentcraft lessons was great and I found myself talking to her about any worries I had.

[addictedtoharibo]

I had a lovely midwife last time - lovely because she had a fab personality, we got on really well etc. This time I havent seen the same one twice and now my named midwife happens to be the one who turned up during my last labour and apparently threatened to slap me. That answers your question to what isnt a good midwife lol.

This time Im having a doula for consistency. I think anyone who makes you feel as calm, supported and confident as you can is a good midwife or doula - this will help you give birth as best you can in whatever circumstances your birth has.

My experience with nhs midwives is that they are so busy that they dont really seem to care about you til gone 30 weeks. Sort of like some bizarre status hierachy where the more pregnant you are the more they pay attention. Makse sense I suppose in that you are a more immediate case so to speak but I think if they dealt with issues in the first few weeks and months then mums would be a lot calmer.

To be honest my doula and mumsnet have been a lot more help than a midwife as they have more time for me. Why not ask your questions on here - you will get the experience of mums who have had babies before and the support of mums who are going through the same thing as you for the first time (not that second time mums arent supportive lol but it is a different experience once you have beenthrough it once.)

xxx

[whomovedmychocolate]

I think part of the problem is, in hospital you will probably have more than one midwife because they work shifts and won't necessarily be there with you throughout labour and delivery.

But until you get to about 35 weeks it's hard to know anyway, most midwives are so busy they do brush things off till the later stages of pregnancy in my experience, particularly if you are a first timer.

One of the key things round here is being able to contact the midwives, very difficult when there are two of them for a ten mile radius. But you don't really know till you go into labour who is about.

[MKG]

I didn't know the midwife that delivered my 1st, but I discovered how wonderful she was during my labor. First she sat with me and made jokes during my labor, here in the US midwives aren't that common to have in an OB practice so they usually only have one patient at a time.

During my labor she respected my need for silence and never directed me to do anything. She really allowed my body to do what it needed to do. When I was in transition and didn't think I could tolerate labor anymore my husband got a scared look on his face she calmly told him that everything was normal and baby and I were doing just fine and that it was almost over. Things progressed very fast and dh didn't know where to stand or what to do, she told him "Don't you move we'll work around you. You just hold her hand". I pushed for 2.5 hours and never made me feel like there was a time limit. And for the next two days she came to see me and told me how wonderful I did and what a wonderful birth it was. I will forever be grateful to her because she made me feel like childbirth is the most wonderful experience ever. She really changed my life in a way.
After, I found out that all the nurses think that she is just fabulous and love being assigned with her.

My advice in finding a midwife is go to the hospital and ask the nurses what they think. Nurses are the ones that run the wards anyway and know everything about everyone.
Ask a midwife you like if she will come to your birth. A friend of mine used a midwife (same group as mine) that we both had known since we were young. She asked if she would be at the delivery and she agreed that even if she wasn't on shift she would come in for the birth. It can't hurt to ask a midwife you really get on with.

[MKG]

I'm the queen of writing long posts today. Sorry

[dinny]

Alison, not read whole thread but would strongly recommend a doula - had one for ds's birth and if have any more will deffo have her again - amazing!!

[asicsgirl]

With nhs midwives, they seem to differ in terms of what they enjoy most. Some really like the community/ ante-/ postnatal side, whereas others only really come into their own when delivering babies.

with ds1 I was very unimpressed with my named midwife - on my first appointment (6 weeks pg) she had me up on the couch 'for a listen to baby' - hadn't even looked at my notes to see how far along I was - and spent other appointments texting her son, talking on mobile etc. I really didn't like her. However she was brilliant when ds1 was being born, totally fantastic.

dp says some midwives are like the SAS - they live for the moment when they are abseiling down buildings rescuing hostages - for these people, the other stuff is just waiting around not an excuse maybe, but an explanation?

[Hoonette]

Around here you see community midwives while you're pregnant, then hospital midwives once you're in labour.

I had a pretty bad community midwife first time around, but wasn't too worried because I knew she wouldn't be there at the birth. Sadly the hospital midwife was terrible...

I think it's luck of the draw with the NHS who you get on the day, and having a doula/independent removes that element of chance. So if you're worried, I would definitely invest in one.

[OrmIrian]

I don't know. I've had many different mws with my 3 babies - usually had the same one all the way through the pregnancy but not at the birth. I had one not so good one for antenatal care but as it was 3rd time round I largely ignored her. For the births I was OK with the MWs I had. They were competent, friendly and capable. None of them made me do anything I didn't want (first one had to tell me what to do a little as I was not handling it well ). It does help to go in with the right attitude - ie, it's my baby and my body and you are there to offer help, not to control events. And usually is what happens.

If you are lacking confidence a doula would be very helpful I'm sure.

[AlisonJB]

Thanks everyone for such helpful advice - I'm now actively seeking a doula! x