I now know why the birth for DS4 was so awful....Sorry, this is going to be long.(17 Posts)
Apologies in advance for the waffle but you wereall so nice to me throughout my PG and my birth announcemnet thread makes my heart swell so I think I owe it to you all let you know.
Ok, I was in a mad lunatic state while i was PG, I worried about everything.
I was utterly convinced something was going to go wrong.
Getting to 12 wks was a shock because I was sure I'd miscarry, then I was convinced the scans would show up something terribly wrong, throughout the whole PG I was just waiting for something to go wrong.
Nothing did, as you all know.
As my due date got closer I became more and more anxious about the birth. Nothing had gone wrong during the PG so the only thing left was that I'd have a stillbirth.
I was absolultey sure that my worst fear would happen. I was terrified....I know I kind of told you all about this big fear but it was nothing to what I was feeling.
It consumed me.
So by the time I was actually in labour my mind was a mess. When I got to the pushing stage I was simply to scared to push any harder because at that moment I'd find out if it was going to happen. If I kept him inside it couldn't happen and I'd never have to know.
Of course I knew I could push harder because I'd done it all before, 3 times before but I just couldn't do it. It was like I was fighting against my own body and the need to push.
It was mad mad mad experience.
Somehow I did manage to push his head out and he cried instantly, his just his head sticking out (!!!) and I vividly remeber thinking "Ohhh thank god he's crying...it hasn't happened...my baby is alive" I felt like he was telling me it was all ok, it hadn't happened. Before the next contraction even started I pushed out the rest of him. The relief I felt at that moment turned the air blue, I'll never forget that feeling.
So there is it. The horrific birth I had was all down to my head telling me it's all going to go wrong and had absolutley nothing to do with how big he was or how much water I was carrying.
George is 6 weeks old now and he is a absolute delight, many many people have asked me if he's good and TBH it's all been so lovely since we came home that I wouldn't know if he was a difficult baby or not. Nothing phases me about all the newborn stuff, nothing is a shock and nothing is hardwork...its all been perfect. I'm so glad to not be PG anymore but on the same token George is such a gorgeous baby I'd do it all again in a heartbeat (it won't be happening though!!)
I look back at myself and the way I was when PG and scratch my head...I was mad, I wonder if I really did have a proper recognised problem because the differnec I feel betwwen then and now is shocking.
I'll stop now, I just wanted to tell you all and also to get it down in balck and white.
i actually had no idea you were going through half of this
well done you on proving yourself wrong
(tis tutter btw)
that's a really interesting story Lady TH
I read your birth story and did wonder why you had such a hard time getting him out especially as he was your fourth.
Do you know why you were so preoccupied with anxieties and fears in this pg? Was something going on that wasn't troubling you during the others?
there can be a large element of 'i'm pushing my luck / being greedy / wanting too much' that can lead us to torture ourselves when pregnant, that we are doomed, and the baby is doomed..
the good thing here is that you have recognised it, gone over it and analysed it and come to a conclusion...and can therefore live with it
it is when we are traumatised in pregnancy and / or birth, for whatever reason, and it is not dealt with, that serious problems can ensue.
i hope you feel healed and positive after writing it down and can carry on enjoying your wonderful family x
Oh LTH - I have tears in my eyes reading that - you poor thing - you must have been terrified to have him and terrified not to.
Had no idea you were so worried.
Have all your prev pregnancies/births been ok? Maybe it was that subconciously you thought that you had 3 normal PGs and births and healthy babies and that it might be "your turn" for something to go wrong?
Amateur physcologist that I am?
I was pretty much the same as you LTH but with DD (she's my only). Every little ache, apin or twinge resulted in a mad dash to a&e. It is a horrible time and as much as I would love to have DC2, I'm not overly excited about being pg again.
I was pg again, about 8 months after DD was born. Decided to relax about it (well, I did really try hard!). Had aches and pains and twinges as you do, thought nothing of it and miscarried at 7 weeks.
DH is on for another one now and tbh I'm a bit reluctant because on one side, I would be a panicking mess and on the other, I would be as cool as a cucumber - which is the right way to be?? It'll do my head in, as well as those around me.
I totally sympathise with you LTH but glad you are feeling better now you can understand your feelings at the time.
Can't believe George is now 6 weeks!
I really have no idea why I was so worried this time. The first 3 were straight forward and easy, we had afew probelms during Ds2's PG but they were all resolved by 16 weeks.
It really did all start from the moment I got the positve result, I never got over the shock and that morphed into all these amd mad mad anxieties.
It does feel good to have worked it all out, I feel quite proud of myself
It was fourth baby syndrome LTH! I had it with my fourth too, although there were a few complications in my pg to keep my anxiety levels up (though nothing with long term implications for the baby).
I just felt that a fourth baby was being too greedy and that someone from up on high would punish me for my greediness!
I am so glad your baby is giving you so much happiness. Enjoy!
oh sweetheart - you really had such a bad time didn't you?
I honestly believe that lulumama and budababe have a point - like you subconsciously believed you had run out of "luck" as it were; together with the surprise start and a heavy dose of pg irrationality hormones (boy do I know about those just now ), things just began to spiral ...
I am just so glad that now George is born everything has turned round for you. Well done for articulating what happened to you too - all part of the healing process
LTH - it's very interesting that you've realised that your fears and anxiety made your birth experience worse. I think your post will be helpful to other women. I'm glad things are going well with George.
Cod makes a good point - I much prefered having a baby in early spring - months of light ahead- having a baby in late autumn was far more depressing, despite being a far easier baby.
I can really relate to fourth baby syndrome!! I'm 35 weeks pg with my fourth now. This pg we chose to have CVS to check for chromosomal abnormalities although the nuchal stats were good (and better than siblings in some cases). It was partly because we felt that with three DC already we could not cope with any additional needs that a child with special requirements might bring. But there was also a huge case of me believing that our luck couldn't possibly hold out for another. Hopefully I'll have the same happy story as you to report in 5 weeks' time.
When I read this back to myslef its so wierd to know it's me.....the whole PG just made me crazy.
I'm suffering 4th baby syndrome too -was really worried going into my anomaly scan - wasn't with the other 3. Somehow i can't believe I'll have a healthy pg. and baby as it seems like too much to ask after 3 others. Hope you are recovering from the whole experience LTH and enjoying yr. baby.
Oh, LTH, I am glad you got that written down and your head around it all. I am so glad that the post-natal bit is a happy time for you
LTH, well done for relating this so eloquently.
Being pg must have been a nightmare for you,
I'm so glad it all turned out so beautifully for you, it makes me think though, isn't there a school of thought that how we are during pregnancy affects the nature of the baby. Well you've just proved that one a myth.
And you managed breastfeeding too after you thought you couldn't. Double well done
LTH- Glad you are feeling better.. FWIW...i could well be you now.. I am convinced something is going to go wrong for me again¬!!!!!!!.. Hopefully not though ...
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