Labour and DH

[JessieMcJessie]

I am 35 weeks this week and so not long to go at all now. Thinking ahead to the birth I've realised that I am slightly anxious about DH being with me when I am in such a primal state. Don't get me wrong, we are very very relaxed in each other's company and think nothing of lounging about naked in the sofa legs akimbo on a hot summer evening, farting etc. We are very close and happy together. However I'd draw the line at peeing in front of each other, and certainly would not have a dump in his company (or vice versa) and, interestingly, I would never cry in front of him. Even when my Mum died I did all my crying in private. It's just how I am. Wouldn't cry in front of anyone else either. I am perfectly emotionally open and will talk about emotional subjects, but I do not get emotional with people I know. Strangers like health professionals, no problem.

We've been lucky that I have never been in severe pain of any kind since we met.

So I am not hugely happy about him seeing me at my most animalistic while in labour, and am wondering how we come back from that. I suppose everyone will say that you just have to go with the flow and it's an amazing bonding experience, and the point is that things will never be the same from then on anyway, in a good way, but I am actually wondering if I'd have preferred the old style Call the Midwife days when the Dad waited outside with a cigar...

Any thoughts?

[Batteriesallgone]

He doesn't have to be with you. How would he feel about waiting outside? Is he resisting it? It should be your choice how your labour goes, I'd say

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

It sounds trite but by the time you're in that state, you won't care. I know the last 45mins or so of labour I went batshit from the pain and was more animal than woman and DH saw it all but he didn't care either. We were just focussed on the task in hand.

[JessieMcJessie]

I don't think it's fair to deny him the experience of our child being born so while I know I could ask him not to be there, I would never do that.

[Batteriesallgone]

Have you actually talked about it though?

He might be feeling the pressure to be there as much as you are feeling the pressure to let him, IYSWIM. You might find he would quite like to 'wait outside' if he could do so without feeling he was letting you down, if that makes sense

[Hopelass]

To be honest I don't think you'll care.
TMI alert:
I had DH (at the time DP) helping me change bloody/watery maternity pads, holding the gas and air to me whilst I tried to wee in the en suite of the delivery room, cleaning up blood when it dripped on the carpet after having my stitches checked the following day at home. None of which I even considered beforehand and he didn't bat an eyelid, just got on win it. I was grateful for his help and I think if anything it made us closer.

[JessieMcJessie]

batteries we have only talked about it jokingly but I have never said that it is a real concern of mine, and Now you make me think about it I realise that actually I wouldn't see what he thought about not being there as I'd not want him to agree that he should stay outside! Which he might well, given that he has never, for example, held back my hair as I vomited- I am always left very much to my own devices in that.

So I suppose my question is less about whether we can avoid the situation, more about what others felt about this aspect.

[jobrum]

You won't know until you're in labour. My dh really did not want to be there and I understood and respected his reasons. However he was with me as no one else could be. A few years ago, I always thought I wouldn't want him with me in labour for exactly the reasons you stated but changed my mind when I realised his support was more important. And he was fantastic, I would not have coped without him, he did everything right.

Perhaps if you have another relative or friend in mind you could discuss it and have them both there, explain that one ir the other might have to go outside, depending on how you're feeling! But I'd definitely have your dh close by as you might find its his support you want.

[JessieMcJessie]

If I have to have someone I know it would be DH, a relative or friend would be even worse!

[2nds]

I told him don't look down there before I went in the labour ward. A few hours later he was staring at my foof and I didn't even notice half the time or give a shit.

It will be interesting to see you come back on this thread after the birth and tell us if he saw it all and whether you gave a hoot or not :-)
By the end of my two day labour I had him and seven midwives looking at my foof (there was a complication) and honestly it didn't matter who saw what.

[JessieMcJessie]

Strangely I don't mind him seeing the foof in all its glory, he's had his head right in there before on many occasions and is probably more familiar with how it looks than I am . I'd prefer him not to have a bird's eye of my pooing arse, certainly, but it's more about behaviour I think.

[alltouchedout]

Everyone's different, but in all honesty I don't think many women give a flying fuck once they're actual in labour. DH was surprised by how shouty I got during my first and third labours, but having seen what having a baby entails he certainly didn't judge me. And I was incredibly calm and pleasant and chilled having ds2. You might have a very serene birth!

[2nds]

Jessie not everyone poos in labour, I didn't and I was in labour over two days. When the head comes out its such a relief moment and I think we can't really stop them from wanting to look anyway so why do we stress about it all beforehand when on reality on the day it seems to be so unimportant?

[RNBrie]

I felt the same Op, to the point where we discussed him not being there. Three dc later and I'm glad he was there for each of them. He was amazing support and he needed to see it to understand what I went through.

He already thought I was amazing but after seeing me give birth three times, he now thinks I'm a hero.

Oh and it gives you good currency on the name discussions straight afterwards when he's still stunned by all he's witnessed and in awe of your incredible body. That's how I negotiated all of my top name choices

[kiki22]

You might not go all animal and crazy I didn't I got in the zone and hardly said a word, dp stayed up at the head end for the whole thing I didn't want him looking before the crowning and by the end he wasn't allowed to be down the bottom so neither of us seen DS being born.

Im having a home birth this time but I'm fairly sure it will be the same drill I don't know if he will watch this one come into the world but I doubt it it would gross him out he's a big sissy when it comes to any type of blood or gore.

[Fitzsimmons]

I was pretty similar to you OP but when it came to labour I genuinely didn't care. I pooped, vomited and cried a lot the first time, the second time I had a waterbirth and my poop ended up floating in the bath and in all honesty I didn't give a monkeys. In some ways it's made me appreciate him a lot more, especially in my second pregnancy where thanks to IBS and a tilted uterus he ended up cleaning my poo and sitting for hours in the bathroom with me whilst I sat in the bath trying to wee. I think as well once the baby arrives you will be so wrapped up in him or her that you won't give it a second thought.

[orangebird69]

Jessie I didn't know if I wanted anyone in with me... dh was there in the end but he had strict instructions to stay away from the goal end and was not allowed to cheer me on. I hate that. I did however shit myself. but I didn't know at the time. He has told a few people but honestly I couldn't care less now and he never did. Pushing a tiny new person out of you totally overshadows a poo, I promise.

[triangularchocolate]

We planned for DP to stay at the top end but he ended up holding my ankles up for me and saw it all, as did about a thirty medical professionals at one time or another. It wasn't ideal but I'm glad he saw what went on and now he thinks I'm a hero! He was amazing support throughout labour, and while I won't say I didn't care who saw what, it's certainly didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

[triangularchocolate]

We planned for DP to stay at the top end but he ended up holding my ankles up for me and saw it all, as did about a thirty medical professionals at one time or another. It wasn't ideal but I'm glad he saw what went on and now he thinks I'm a hero! He was amazing support throughout labour, and while I won't say I didn't care who saw what, it's certainly didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Everyone one says it.....but you genuinely will not give a shit when the time comes!! All dignity goes out the window. I'd had a quite a few internal exams during the induction process, and my Dd got a bit distressed while I was on the drip. I was high on gas and a doctor came in and asked if she could examine me....according to DH (I have no recollection of this!) I said "well why not? The rest of the hospital have all looked up there!"
I asked DH the other day if he will still love me when I'm old and incontinent....he said "babe, I've watched a whole human come out of you, watched you crap on a table during that event and I still love you, so old age won't be a problem!"
Childbirth, although painful, and sometimes messy, is such a beautiful experience! I would make sure your DH knows the generic ins and outs of what to expect and then he shouldn't be as surprised by things like mooing sounds and surprise poos during the pushing stage

[SchnitzelvonKrummsverylowtum]

My DH waited outside, and came in as soon as he heard DS cry. We hadn't really talked about it much, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted anyone else there, but after staying me with me for hours, he felt useless as I was pretty much in the zone, he didn't like seeing me in pain, and went to pace the corridors. This was during the football World Cup, and he did watch the football in the delivery room before going out! I was very lucky and had a relatively easy birth, with a midwife and student midwife with me the whole time. I think if they hadn't, DH wouldn't have left me on my own.

I'm currently expecting DC2, and I'm happy to go with the flow. If I want him there I'll
tell him and he'll stay, if I'm ok with just a midwife or on my own then I'll tell him so.

Personally, I found being on my own meant I could listen to the midwives and focus on what I was doing, without worrying about DH seeing me that way.

[Dixiechick17]

I hadn't really thought about it in all honesty. Plus I was so uncomfortable at the end that all I wanted was for labour to start and didn't think about everything else. I kind of went into myself in labour and didn't want to be touched by anyone, I vaguely remember my DH and My Mum talking, but I largely ignored my surroundings. Sorry that's not much help, DH was so in awe once our DD arrived that I think anything he may have been thinking went out of the window. Plus post birth, his memory is crap! If I ask for a blow by blow account of the labour he picks out the odd bit he can remember, which is stuff like you were noisy when pushing, kind of groany and you were sick on me

[JessieMcJessie]

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about.