I have a 17 month old son and am still getting my mind around the whole birth experience. I knew it wouldnt be a walk in the park but I was not expecting psychological trauma either. When I try to talk about it with my partner, he clams up, saying it's too horrible to think about, watching me suffer and seeing all the blood and guts on the floor (his words), he just leaves the room if I talk about it.
I really need to deal with this if I am every going to have another baby. Some of the questions I have which remain unanswered are things like...
- Why didn't my epidural work? After a brief period of relief I could once again feel all the contractions in my front and back after getting the maximum dose. I could move around on my legs and still needed gas and air all the way through labour. The anesthetist was too busy to replace it on the night. I expected this to be my lifeline for getting through labour but it failed me. Is it something that I did wrong or might easily happen again?
- Why did the midwife take away the gas and air at the crucial pushing stage, when the pain was worse and I was most scared? I remember arguing with her, she just refused and later another midwife said she would have let me have it, so is this really a judgment call and should you have to argue in the midst of labour for desperately needed pain relief? So much for freedom of choice and having a birth plan when they spring these changes on you at the worst moment.
- Why didn't they take pre-emptive action when they knew all along my baby was posterior and it being my first birth it would be that much harder?
- In the end I had maternal exhaustion and couldnt push at all. I had an episiotomy and forceps delivery, I hemorrhaged > 700mls, and there was concern over placenta remaining inside. Is this normal and is it likely to happen again? My haemoglobin was 88 after the birth and I was very fatigued, tearful and depressed for weeks afterwards, though this might be a normal effect of all the sleep deprivation?
I had a debrief after the birth with a midwife but all these questions led to vague inconclusive answers. I feel bad about my birth experience even all this time later, it was not what I had hoped for, and my partner says the only reason I could possibly contemplate doing it again is I have blocked out the worst bits and was too high on the gas to remember. Is he right?
I pretty much feel that the birth was the start of a psychological roller coaster ride that I am still on 17 months later, I have not felt sane for a day since, having a baby has changed me so much.
Thanks for reading x