Hello there!
I'd like to do a full disclosure first: I am 24 years old and I am not pregnant. I am however battling with severe tokophobia since many years now and I would really appreciate some support and advice from anyone who has been through the same.
I am not exaggerating when I say that this phobia has taken over my life. Anything can trigger sudden depression and anxiety attacks- the sight of a small child, babies, pregnant women, married couples.
This is something I rarely admit to even myself, but I have failed my examinations last year because I was experiencing severe anxiety and panic attacks during that time. Unfortunately, I am so embarrassed of this condition that there was no way I could have written to my university about it in order for them to consider mitigating circumstances.
To be clear it is not labour pains that I am frightened of. I have a very high threshold of pain and I am quite sure that if push comes to shove I can handle contractions even without pain relief.
My phobia pertains to the potential after effects of childbirth which I have seen several women close to me suffer from. I am referring to pelvic organ prolapse, incontinence, severe tears, broken tailbones, broken symphysis, pudendal nerve damage, and obstetric fistulas.
I do realise that these conditions are not common and that I may be able to avoid them. However, I have seen how devastating and life altering they can be and I am certain that I will never be strong enough to handle them should they arise. I would want to avoid even a 1% chance of ending up with these conditions and I live in constant fear that I will be forced to deliver vaginally and be part of the unfortunate few who face these horrible problems.
In an effort to overcome my phobia, I have done a lot of research to compare c sections with normal deliveries. While I understand that an uncomplicated normal delivery is probably easiest to recover from, I also know that it cannot be guaranteed. The idea of an emergency c section, a forceps/ventouse delivery or an episiotomy makes me sick with panic.
I know c sections come with risks, and I am familiar with those risks. I just feel that I can emotionally cope better with those risks as opposed to the ones associated with vaginal deliveries.
I feel that I could be comfortable with the idea of having children so as long as a c section was assured.
What haunts me on a daily basis is the fact that this cannot be assured. My lifestyle involves a lot of moving around and I have no way of knowing which country I will deliver in as and when I fall pregnant. This is what worries me continuously because every country has different policies on elective c sections. I have no way of knowing if I will be in a sympathetic environment when I do decide to get pregnant.
It sounds very crazy and messed up I am sure, but I just had to share my feelings with other women out there who may have been through the same.
I was sexually abused as a child and this may also have something to do with my tokophobia.
The logical part of brain tells me that with a valid mental health disorder, I should be able to get a c section but a part of me is constantly terrified:( What if they refuse when the time comes? What if I have to live the kind of life I have seen some women leading (with fecal incontinence, uterine prolapse, SPD and in one case even a colostomy)?
If there are any women out there who have been through the same, please get in touch with me. I'd love to know how you managed to get over this awful phobia.
It has now come to a point where I have started disliking children:(:( I used to love them to bits:(
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Childbirth
I need your help and advice regarding tokophobia
68 replies
WantsToBeFree · 02/08/2012 23:00
OP posts:
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