Advice re our incredibly challenging 5 year old son.

[clementine78]

I would greatly appreciate any help or advice people may be able to offer in relation to the challenges we are facing with our eldeset son who has just turned 5. Both my husband and I are continually torn between a want to support and protect him and the need to let him know that some of his behaviour is totally unacceptable. We are exhausted and managing him dominates at least a part of every day we spend together as a family. I worry every day that I am damaging him when I eventually get cross and shout or take away a toy. He is INCREDIBLY sensitive and can be overwhelmingly emotional and/or angry. Now he is a little older he can be unbelivably rude and violent. His tantrums are totally inpenetrable and he is so loud and intense at times I feel unable to deal with it. He was an angel in his first 18 months and things became more tricky from around then, difficult to pinpoint exactly but since approx 2 years old he has been extremely challenging to dress as he will only wear certain things. He has not touched a fruit or a vegetable since he was around 2. He is obsessed with sugar and chocolate. OBSESSED. He will do literally anything to get it and is almost vacant behind the eyes when in pursuit of it. If he doesn't get it, he will scream, shout, hit. He used to hit himself but has stopped now. He can get out of bed up to 6 times a night and gets extremely cross about being taken back. He lacks hugely in confidence and resilience when trying to do difficult things, he will get very upset and angry. He is becoming a perfectionist and likes to keep his room perfect (his own versio of perfect) and he gets very upset if he tries to write/draw something and feels he has done it 'wrong'. He has started school now and I am told he is behaving like a dream there, he loves it and can't wait to go every morning. Friends don't believe us when we say how challenging he can be until they see the behaviour and family who have stayed with us very clearly think we don't discipline him enough. Play dates can be an unmitigated nightmare. He has a beautiful heart and is the kindest, sweetest, generous little man when he feels safe - for example, he has given away his presents to his brother on his birthday every year since he was 3 as he doesn't like to see his brother upset. He has a gorgeous friendship with a little girl at school who seems to bring out the best in him, they talk and listen to each other. I am so exhausted by it all and would hugely appreciate any help or advice people may be able to offer. We live in West London. Thanks in advance.

[laurzj82]

I have a challenging daughter so you have my sympathy OP. It can be tough at times. Any concerns in terms of SEND?

[clementine78]

Thanks Laurzj82. We have wondered about ASD at various points but always come back to the thought that he 'probably isn't on the spectrum'. He is doing perfectly well at school, apparently extremely keen to learn and making good progress but he is only 3 months in to reception year. I suspect he is hypermobile and I know he is finding pencil grip pretty difficult which would seem to back this up. There was a note from the teacher a month or so after he started school asking me to reinforce the message that he must stay in the classroom as if not engaged he tends to wander off and do whatever he feels at that moment. Visiting other classrooms or heading to the playground, for example.

[laurzj82]

Yes, the sensory issues jumped out at me although of course it could just be traits. He sounds very much like my daughter who is 3 who has SPD and is awaiting an assessment for ASD. I think only you can know the intensity of it ie whether he is just sensitive or if it is something more iykwim.

I know what you mean about people not believing you. My DD is an angel for other people! She holds it in until she gets home

Take a look at the book The Out of Sync Child and see if it rings any bells for you. The stratergies for eating, sleep and clothing can be useful for anyone, not just for those of us with sensory issues.

[needadvice321]

I have a challenging similar aged DC. Also an angel at school. I am reading 'Calm Parents: Happy Kids' and it's ringing some bells for me and the ideas I've implemented so far are helping.

[differentnameforthis]

It is not unusual for children with ASD to do well at school both behaviourally and academically.

My dd (9) was dx with ASD last year as she does exactly that, and masks it.

I wouldn't rule it out, to be honest.

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

He sounds like he may have some type of neuro diversity. Hyper mobility, sensory issues, emotional regulation difficulties and rigidity in way he thinks all of these things make me think possible ASD. Have you talked to the school recently?

[Lovelydovey]

I could have written this last year - the son with high standards, control issues and a fearful temper.

School helped when they realised how bright he was and began to really stretch him (though we had some more teething issues at the start of year 1 in September). Being stretched and given permission to fail because it is hard has helped him a lot. We also have to keep him engaged at home a lot otherwise he gets bored and frustrated - lots of board and card games help (we can happily waste an afternoon playing monopoly now). This also helped with sleep issues as he is more tired at bedtime.

He craves attention and we had got into a vicious cycle of spending more time dealing with bad behaviour. So we now try and focus on the good and reward it instead. We also try and pick battles appropriately e.g. it doesn't matter if you are wearing your hat if you have it with you.

He has an addictive personality - recent additions have included Xbox and Bopit - where he wants to constantly beat his score and be the best. We are always clear how long he can stay on these and when he will need to stop to do other things but we get tantrums if we try to limit time on these so they often get put away for a month or more to allow him to focus on something else.

It feels like we have taken away a lot of his control by doing the above things so we do try and give him control of his life in other ways. We let him choose his own clothes (even if he choose to wear shorts 95% of the time), help with choosing and making dinner, in helping to decide what we will do at weekends. The fussing over clothes improved a lot when he had control though he still prefers loose and soft clothes and doesn't own a jumper because he won't wear them. He has to think of others in these too and has got better at doing so in recent months e.g he suggested going to the cinema to see something his brother was desperate to see. Giving him such control and input is still very alien to my DP who has found it hard going having to consider the views of a 5yo in these things.

His behaviour has improved immeasurably in the last few months but he is much harder than work to parent than his older brother. He has even started to tell me he loves me again (he declared for the past two years that he didn't love anyone but did like me - I think this was a control issue rather than not actually loving anyone!).

I hope some of this helps - it can get better!