10yo DD struggling with concept of death

[ReachOutAndTouchDave]

Last Thursday, during the course of a fairly lighthearted conversation my 11yo DS said he wasn't keen on the idea of living to be over 100. We discussed why but as I say, it was lighthearted and we didn't dwell too much.

About twenty minutes later my DD who is 10 in a few days said she was feeling sad. Sat down with her and she said she was sad about what DS had said as it had made her think about death.

Got her to tell me what it was about death that made her sad, expecting the usual stuff that we've talked about before when elderly relatives or the cat died. She said she didn't like the thought of not being able to see or think (etc) anymore, or the idea of a world without her in it.

I agreed that that was sad but as she would be gone it wouldn't affect her in the way she thinks because there will be no 'her' to be aware of this. (I put it more delicately than that).

Anyway, five days later she is still frequently crying about it (say twice a day roughly) still getting out of bed to discuss it and finding it difficult to be alone. Nothing really takes her mind off it, beach trips/crazy golf/cafe trips/family BBQ etc etc have not helped.

I've given her examples of different belief systems (we're atheists) and tried to find comfort in an article that discussed physics and why it would be good to have a physicist at a funeral. I found it comforting and interesting but for DD it's like her brain is stuck in a cul-de-sac and she takes those things on board in that moment but forgets them as soon as she's on her own.

Five days in and I admit I am quite worried now.

Does she need a GP appointment/possible referall?

(So as not to drip feed, my side of the family has MH issues which are anxiety and depression based. I am currently having a tough time with my own MH as my job is making me unhappy and I have concerns about my other children in terms of potential ASD. )

[gluteustothemaximus]

Oh god, sorry I don't have any advice (hopefully this will follow) but I was definitely your daughter at that age.

In fact, I still feel like this every so often now. Usually at night, when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I can't ever get my head around it, and it makes me really sad (to the point I get really unhappy) so I just try not to think about it and change the subject in my head.

The time that I got really bad with it was when I had my first child. I couldn't get past not being around one day, and it really sent me spiralling down. Everywhere I went I felt like a black cloud was over me.

Only difference with me is I had no one to talk to about it. The fact she has you is fantastic. Just keep talking, saying you understand how she feels. Hopefully the feelings will be less intense as time goes on, it's only been 5 days. It's a big thing to get your head around.

My DS is very 'whatever' about death. Accepts it will happen one day. Clearly doesn't want it to happen, but it accepting if that makes sense.

I know DD will be like me, and dreading it a bit (she's only 6).

Good luck xx

[BeyondThePage]

It is the age where we begin to discover ourselves in the world, where we realise we are mortal and will not go on forever - all the talk and sadness and angst that come are very, very natural and can go on for a few months in my experience with kids.

As an atheist I explained to my kids that every atom of their being was born of stardust from the very beginning of time, that every atom of their being will go on forever until the end of time, that every time they hug their grandma, for instance, they breathe the same air, they take in atoms from all around them so whilst they make memories they also physically become a part of each other for ever.

When she has children the same will happen with them... and so on down the line.

I would discuss with her the passing down side of things - does she notice things she does just like you, or things you do just like your mum or dad - that passing on of things/traits can be a big comfort.

[chocolatesa]

This haunted me as a child, and still would now if I let it.

I don't really have any advice, I just sort of learnt to ignore my negative thoughts about it xx

[SleightOfHand]

I watched this the other day, I thought it was beautiful and profound.
Sorry your daughter is struggling with this atm.

[StaplesCorner]

My youngest DD is the same and has been for about 3/4 years - she's 14 now. We did have 3 deaths in quick succession but she was thinking about it before then. She says she lays awake at night thinking about it.

Existential angst is more common than anyone thinks - its the price we pay for being aware, and I also reckon that the more sensitive/intelligent someone is, the worse it will be.

[Mayhemmumma]

Don't panic. I work with families and this crops up often with children about her age. It's may be her looking to make sense of the world, questioning death and looking for answers and reassurance from you. A form of anxiety - not necessarily long term.

Answer questions honestly but briefly - do not over do answers to questions that you may not even have answers to. Maybe use words like peaceful but don't suggest an afterlife or ghosts etc especially as it doesn't fit with your beliefs.

Take a look at the book 'what to do when you worry too much' and see if there is something you could share with her.

Encourage special one to one time together in the day, doing something she enjoys don't prompt questions but when she asks a question about death or talks about her fears tell her this is something you will talk about in your special time.

Think carefully about the response you give her when she is upset. I don't mean to sound unfair but is there anything she gets from you that is actually quite nice for her? Ie special attention/affection or treats? Does it delay bedtime e.tc. If so be careful she doesn't seek your attention by using this method.

Maybe check out Winston wish website which talks about how to talk to children about death.

Drs at this stage will do little. Talk to school/school nurse in Sept if needs be. Early days for camhs and it's unlikely unless private that a referral will be accepted. They will begin with strategies for you to use at home yourself anyway.

[creamcheesechampion]

Another one who was very much like this as a child. I still have the same fear of death so I just try very hard not to think about it otherwise I can work myself up into a massive panic attack.

I will say that it used to sort of be in phases as a child - I would obsessively think about it for a week or two and be very unhappy and then I wouldn't think about it at all for a few months. She might be the same and this may pass for a while. I used to find it comforting when my mum said things like 'you don't have to worry about that for a very long time' and 'you are so young you have so much time left to live your life' and we would talk about all the things I'd like to do when I was a grown up.

You're doing a great job being there for her and letting her talk about it with you xx

[Paddybare]

No real words of wisdom I'm afraid OP other than that it may help to explain to your DD that the 'after' bit of our lives is the same as the 'before' bit. I.e. we don't miss the life we didn't have before we were born so we won't miss the life we won't have after.

Such a difficult thing for even a level-headed adult to get their head around. I do feel sorry for kids when things like this become very real for them. Good luck OP.

[Onceuponatime21]

I read someone once explain it as it being like before you were born - and it was a comforting explanation but I can't remember it now. Maybe google along those lines ?

[Onceuponatime21]

I tried to google for you ! But came up with lots of dross !!

[Luckyme2]

Oh this was my DD 2 years ago when she was 10. It was horrible and we felt so helpless. She was crying every day, found it difficult to enjoy things and would work herself into a panic attack. We would say everything that PPs have mentioned above and whilst at the time I thought it would never end and did contemplate consulting our GP, after a couple of weeks she kind of lifted out of it. She's now nearly 13 and a couple of times will tell me that she's 'had those thoughts' but seems better able to cope with them using everything we've talked to her about. I realise she's probably always going to be sensitive to this subject but going through life death is not something we can avoid unfortunately so I was keen to ensure she could get past these thoughts iyswim. We spoke to her teacher at the time and she kept an eye on her in class in case she drifted into her thoughts. It was a very worrying time as she seemed to lose her 'fun' for a while. I dread another episode like that tbh. Sending you 💐 as I know it's upsetting to have to go through this with her.

[ReachOutAndTouchDave]

Wow thank you so much, I'm so glad I posted now.

Those of you who have experienced the same, thank you, you have said some of the same things she's said. I'm sorry you all still have the moments but it's reassuring to know it's a fairly normal thing.

The post about after being kind before once is the "pre-birth state" theory or something and we've discussed that. Again, something I found comfort in if only because it was easy to put into words.

Thank you very much though, there are some techniques I will definitely be implementing.

She's always been so level headed really, my DSx2 are the ones who have always concerned me with their MH (I have that book "What to do when" for worry and also the temper one, both bought for my boys!) so it's thrown me a bit. But yes, I can see she's going to keep coming back to it, I just want to make sure I don't feel out of my depth really.

Thanks again

[YoungChowFriedRice]

I was very similar at that age and grew out of it. I'm sure she'll be OK.

[IrenetheQuaint]

Poor thing. It's the human condition; some of the earliest surviving texts we have are about this.

Maybe talk about her life, how far she's come already since being a little baby, and how much she has ahead of her. And tell her that most really elderly people who are close to dying don't mind as much, they've had their lives and are ready to go. So she shouldn't worry about it now, because the her who dies will be entirely different from the her she is today.

[ReachOutAndTouchDave]

Thanks all. I think she feels better knowing she's not the only one to have these thoughts.

Really helpful though, thanks again, I appreciate it.

[Carouselfish]

Didn't hit me til I was about 12 and a dream lifted me out of it. Hit me again now at 36 after the death of my grandmother. I think talking about the unknown mysteries of the universe, ie. dark matter and energy, the vastness of space etc is kind of comforting because of the little that we really know and the endless possibilities.
I like to think that choosing a belief system is the same as choosing a grain of sand on a beach and claiming it's the only one. We have no idea what the truth is, really, so whatever helps and comforts her about life after death or lack thereof is as likely to be right as anything else.

[lou8719]

Hi as soon as I seen this I knew I had to comment . My nan used to talk about dying all the time and after hearing her talking about it I was petrified of dying . I was about 6 . I would not be able to sleep because I was so scared of it . And I was scared of the same things your daughter is scared of . I think the worse thing you can say is that there will be no her anymore . Because my mother used to say the same thing and it made me ten times worse . I'm now 30 and I have had the worry on and off all my life . Iv been diagnosed with health anxiety every pain or illness I hear of or feel I'm convinced I have it and I'm going to die . Iv had a really tough time where it's been so bad that I havnt wanted to be here anymore . I know this sounds so far fetched because hopefully your daughter will get out of it and it's just a faze 😊. But if it carries on I'd take her to the doctor and hopefully they can sort somthing out . I really woundt want anyone else going though what I have x

[ReachOutAndTouchDave]

Hi lou8719, so sorry to hear you've had it tough.
I have health anxiety myself, there's not a single ailment or change in my body that I don't notice and it's exhausting. I try not to pass these things onto my kids but it's hard sometimes.
DD is a worrier too, lots of things are bothering her at the moment. She's stopped worrying about death but I know it hasn't fully gone away. It comes back when she's had a bad day and is upset about other stuff, maybe a bit of transference or something, or if she's very tired. I am keeping an eye on things and will get her help when she needs it.