Coping with Older Parents and having Young Children

[TreadmillMom]

My mother had me at the age of 42 so has always been considered an ?older? mother. She turned 77 last week and throughout my adolescence to this current day I have had to watch with my older brothers her have major life saving surgery, forced to take a huge cocktail of drugs for one ailment and another and a (prescribed) steroid addiction. She has always coped well but age has made her feel negative about her future health prospects and she gets sicker and sicker by the year. She?s facing yet another 2 serious operations and her chances will be 50/50 and whilst awaiting her consultation appointment she?s struck down yet again with another ailment that so far is baffling her GP and not showing up in any blood tests. I?ve just spoken to her on the phone and she sounds low, old, frail and incoherent. I have a strong feeling of ?this is it?. I have 2 boy?s 19mths and 4yrs and work part time. My mother always told me she wanted a daughter ?to look after her in her old age?, well I feel I have royally let her down. I live further to her than my brothers do, one has 3 grown up children the other has none and right now between them and my nephews they do just about everything for her and are always with her on her medical appointments, shopping trips, decorating even cooking when she?s been poorly. I?ve been sitting here at work silently crying cos I can?t even get over to visit her I have to think of my kids, school and work. I?m grateful to my family for all they do but I am letting her down and I have a real sense of ?I?m going to lose her very soon?. Outwardly no one criticises me at all they know I love my mom with a passion but I am starting to feel like a bad daughter.

[lilolilmanchester]

I agree with MuminFife - your Mum would want you to look after your family first (regardless of what she might say, and just warning you that elderly, ill people can say some pretty hurtful things at times). Decide for yourself what the right thing to do is for you and your kids, then promise yourself to stick by your decision and don't feel guilty. You've a lot on your plate with work and family already. It sounds like your brothers are doing a great job - but they are on hand and don't have a young family to juggle. However, I think you might feel better if you could spend more time with her, especially if you think you might not have her for much longer. Could you find anyone to help with the children so that you can get over to visit her, and spend some quality time with her? I've been where you are - we've lost 3 out of 4 parents, both sets lived over 100 miles away so not easy with young kids, but it felt easier when they'd died to know that we had managed to spend some time with them.

[wantslotsofbabies]

Sometimes just after we give birth we start thinking about our own mortality and end up wracked with guilt- which is exhausting.
You have not let her down by any means as you have all been with her through her previous illnesses.
You have an awful lot on your plate just now so if the others are happy to help then let them. Do you get some time to yourself?
My Dad is 77, has dementia and my wee boy is 7months. I've had to learn how to drop a gear because you just end up frazzled and guilt ridden when you try to do it all.

[hotbot]

err, you are in a tough situation, but did you have your children with the expectation that they will look after you in your old age?non?
I think it is a really selfish thing to expect..
however as a child i would try to do the best i can for my parents when that time comes, as a parent i dont expect my child to run round after me , no matter the ailment,
it sounds like you are being pulled all ways.I think you are doung your best and you should try and cut yourself some slack.. (((hug)))