Do we need to be cruel to be kind with my elderly grandfather

[CountryMummy1]

My mum is my grandad's carer. He is in his 80's and had his leg amputated at the beginning of the year due to cancer. Obviously it was a very traumatic time for everyone as we honestly thought we would lose him. However, he pulled through and has made a great recovery. He now has a prosthetic leg and can drive, walk, go shopping, basically everything he could do before. We are very proud of him.

However..... he has always been a bit precious about himself and a complete fusspot. After his operation he led my nan a merry dance. She had to make him a homemade roast dinner every single night as that's all he will eat, fetch and carry for him as he cannot wait for anything, and generally fuss with him as he can't bear to be in the slightest discomfort for even a minute. He doesn't know the meaning of the sentence 'putting up with it'. He has always been like this, although worse over the last few years and very much worse since his operation.

My nan became absolutely exhausted, despite us all helping her everyday and she developed jaundice. She was very poorly and hospitalised before finally being told that she had very advanced pancreatic cancer. She died of a catastrophic stroke in June this year.

My granddad is now on his own. He lived with my parents for a few months after nan died and he is always welcome to go back there anytime. My mom, myself and my sister only live 10 minutes away from him so we see him every day - we either go to him or he spends the day with us.

However, it is now my mom who is exhausted. She had a meltdown yesterday and ended up screaming in the kitchen, I am so worried about her. My granddad now treats my mum like he did my nan. He relies on her for everything even though he is perfectly capable of cooking his own dinner or getting his own shopping. He also makes life so hard for all of us with his constant fussing. If I ever tell anyone about what he does, they can't believe it.

For example, he has one of us going round his house almost every day to change his central heating settings as he can't do it himself. He keeps changing his mind over what time he wants the heat to come on/off. He phoned me a midnight last night and had me go over as he had fiddled with the settings (yet again!) and couldn't turn it off. I was fast asleep as I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old.

Another example is that we have spent 8 months arranging for him to have a new disabled bathroom fitted through social services. As I'm sure you know, it's a difficult, long winded process. The builders were coming yesterday to start it. He sent them away when they arrived at 8.50am as he had a bit of a cold and didn't feel up to it, even though mom was getting there at 9am to supervise them. We now have to spend hours on the phone sorting it out again. He also constantly cancels doctor's appointments we have made if he can't be bothered to go.

He has suddenly turned into a very selfish man, not the wonderful caring granddad I have loved all my life. He never asks how the children are. It was my birthday on Sunday, mom got me a card and present from him, he never even wished me happy returns. He doesn't seem to care that he is making life so hard for us all. I am dreading Christmas as I know he's going to ruin it for my 2 year old who is really looking forward to it. Last year we didn't have a Christmas as Grandad was diagnosed on Christmas Eve and I just feel so guilty that my daughter is missing out.

My sister wants to give him a telling off and explain how difficult he is making life for my mom. She also thinks we should stop 'babying' him so much and make him do things for himself. I am reluctant to as I feel so sorry for him. I'm sure he's depressed but he'd never admit to it or see anyone about it. He doesn't socialise anymore and only sees us.

Any advice? We so need it!!

[spad]

You need to set him some very firm ground rules. And stick to them.

You sound like you are a lovely family, you need to keep it that way by managing his crazy behaviour.

[nousername123]

He is acting like this because he lost his leg and (although able to) thinks it’s his way of regaining control, it needs to stop now. all of you need to go round and explain how it makes you feel. He might have depression, so maybe talk to him about this. I’m a carer and I find this with the elderly (some of them will try to do more for themselves) but most are now just of the opinion they’ve done it themselves their whole lives and now it’s someone else’s turn to wait on them! It’s not acceptable and it’s rude. Being cruel to be kind is absolutely the way forward. Calling you over at silly hours to sort his heating isn’t acceptable either, he’s bored and is toying with you all. Tell him if he doesn’t use it lt, he’ll lose it and you don’t want to end up being in a situation where he really can’t do things for himself and you’ll have to do it for him x

[chocatoo]

I'm afraid that you do need to sit him down and gently tell him that he needs to be more considerate towards everyone else and if he is not able to manage that, then the loving help that he is receiving from you all will dwindle. Can you get carers to come in and do some of the work?

[raglansleeve]

I would also look at getting him assessed for dementia. My DDad was a strong, practical capable man, but started to fuss about central heating, his medication etc., and was diagnosed with dementia.