What do I do to help my son

[lotti37]

Hello my eldest son is in year 9 and has never really been happy at secondary school. He went to a school in a different part of our town but he know one person from primary there.

He never wants to go to school as some of his lunchtime group / friends make comments jokes about his weight. He is carrying a little bit of weight on his tummy and face . We are making efforts so he can loose some weight so the comments stop and he feels better about himself. It is proving quite hard as he this has been going on for a while. We worry about him a lot as he gets very anxious and doesn't want to go into school. He has missed 18 days since September and this is mostly because of children friends at school making nasty comments. He says he has been through the school and there are not many nice boys so he is really limited at lunchtime . The school does not have many lunchtime clubs either . I want to make him stronger . My neighbour suggested he may be on the autism spectrum and to get him assessed. He is a worrier and always has been through his life. He struggles socially and does not have that many friends and those that he does have aren't always the nicest. He is older than his years in many ways . Breaks my heart as he is such a lovely boy but we need to do something to improve his confidence. We don't want it to affect his school work either. His younger brother is at the school as well . Any advice would be really appreciated . We are all worrying about him a lot X thank you

[lotti37]

He just messaged me to say that they weren't very nice at break time so he has had lunch on his own in a classroom tucked away 😔.

[purpleboy]

I'm sorry to hear your son is going through this, it must be horrible for him. I've never really been in this situation so my advice might be of no use to you. Have you spoken to the school about this? If so what have they said, if not then maybe that's something to consider. Does he have any friends at school? Do you know any of the parents of his group, perhaps a conversation with them. If you are concerned about autism then it's defiantly something to look into. How are his grades? Is this affecting his work? Do you feel they are doing it intentionally to upset your son, or could it be joking that has gone too far?
Could you invite some of the group over for pizza or something so they could bond outside of school? Are there others in his year that don't have many other friends? Could he try making friends with them, or another group?
Would he be interested in doing a self defence course? Karate etc.. is it so good for confidence, and might help his assert himself a bit more.
Usually bulling comes from confidence issues from 1 or 2 children and then as a group the pack mentality comes into effect.
I really hope you can get some resolution for your son, it's not fair for him to deal with this especially in these important years. Xxx

[ItsAllGone19]

It's shit

Sadly we can't change the fact that other people are arseholes. Your son sounds like he's living my life at the same age and it is horrible. My saving grace was out of school stuff. I joined a club and made friends through that shared interest.

Aside from helping me realise people in school were small minded arseholes that the highlight of their day was poking fun at me...it also gave me opportunities to travel Europe as a representative of my club and get involved in all sorts of other activities when we'd go away each summer.

It doesn't fix the crappy behaviour from people at school but maybe something like this for your son would give him the armour he needs to deflect their behaviour and not let it get him down.

The other option is to speak with the head of year, sadly 'banter' is a wide ranging excuse for all sorts of rubbish behaviour but maybe the head of year will have ideas to help your son that neither of you know exist at the moment. For example, my daughter's school has a serenity room. It's basically a chill out room staffed by different 6th form students but it's been designed as a space that children can relax in during breaks with no chance of having to experience bad behaviour from someone because of the 6th form students

Hope you find something that helps.

[Solomum1]

My situation sounds very similar to yours but my son is currently in year 6. He is being excluded by other children who make fun of him. He talks about ‘friends’ who seem to leave after school without saying goodbye or speaking to him. They say they will send him friend requests online but never do. It’s heart breaking. As he is such a kind hearted boy.
The school don’t take me seriously and imply that I’m overreacting, but he is always getting pushed and shoved and no one ever happens to witness it. The teachers speak with those involved who deny it and so, it is marked down as him ‘making up stories’. My son is not an entirely innocent boy who has no faults, but I know he feels strongly against lying. You can see when your child is in tears when they are telling you the truth!! What do I do to protect him when the school are clearly in denial but also, seem to retaliate to my complaints but identify fault in my son instead of rounded feedback?!?!

[Rachelbaby1ethan]

Hi,

I can’t really help very much but I hope your son is getting on much better!? I also require some guidance.

My son is 5 and In Reception can be cheeky and get in to trouble himself but we have started him in Karate and he LOVES it!

He’s very bright and has been moved up to read with the year 1s which we are very proud of and tell him often.

I have raised concerns about another 5 year old child telling my son about the Chucky Doll while in school and that he carries an Bloody Knife and telling my son to swear and if he doesn’t this lad won’t be his friend.

He also had a wee accident the other week and the 5 year old boy was telling the other children in the class and laughing at my son.

The teachers over heard they little boy regarding the accident and told him off. I have raised my other concerns with the teachers also.

Trouble is we had the same worry regarding the Chucky Doll indecent with the same little boy when they where both 3 and attended the same nursery. I had a horrifying moment in boots when my son told the very lovely till lady that he’d set his Chucky doll on her.. I was horrified! I marched down to that nursery quicker than you can imagine and was told they would speak with the parents... but I don’t knowing they ever did!!

Why would any parent let there young child watch a film like that? What do I do! My boy is asking if his teddy’s will come alive :-(

I have spoken with the school. Do I approach the mum? Or will this cause more issues HELP!!

Thank you

[Solomum1]

So sorry to hear you have been faced with this situation.

If you know the Kim well already, and you know she is realistic about her child’s positives and development areas, then I see no harm in mentioning it, albeit, you would need to be very constructive about how this is approached.
Alternatively, I’d sugggest you talk to his form tutor and mention the effect it’s had. The difference between the age groups is significant and so while the year 5 child’s peer group may not be affected by his behaviour, your son is acting completely naturally for a child of his age group.
If I’ve learnt anything with the difficulties I’ve had with the school, it’s that complaints don’t seem to be responded to positively by schools, but asking for their support to achieve something for your child based upon his reaction and not the behaviour of the other child, may be better received?

I wish you well with sorting this out and to your son!

[Solomum1]

I thought I’d share an update on my situation. I made a formal complaint to the school which was heard by an independent investigidator (within the school network, so not Totally independent). The head teachers word was taken over everything I said in my complaint, even where I had supportive paperwork.
It was a complete whitewash!
In fact, it was so awful, I got a covering email from the head referring to “as there was no evidence of your serious complaints made about senior members of staff in our school, we will have to think seriously about rage options considering there is a fundamental breakdown in Trust”. It seems that the old reference to being treated with no detriment after making a complaint is absolutely not honoured by the school in this instance. It feels like a threat from the Head and who will suffer (again!).... the child!!
The school has a Prep and senior school, so I have no option but to vote with my feet and to find a new school for him for year 7.
My son had looked around two new schools now, and while he would still prefer to stay where he knows, at both schools he has seemed more confident and articulate than he ever does at his current school!
He has commented how friendly everyone seems at the other schools. Surely that says something!
I have lost significant faith in the system through this whole process, but fundementally believe you as parents have to support your child if no one else will!