What should my reaction to my child be when he discloses bullying to me?

[BurnTheBlackSuit]

He tells me the horrible things children say or do. I've spoken to the school and they are trying strategies to help, but stuff is still happening.

Aside from that, my heart is breaking but I don't want to make things worse for him or stop him telling me. So how should I react when he tells me the latest horrible thing?

Be matter of fact- well done for telling me. we'll talk to school. You need to do xyz next time.

Or

Say I know how terrible it is, how upsetting it is, how I hate what this child is doing and how my heart is breaking and I wish I could protect him.

I have been doing the first, but wonder if I should be more emotional about it so he knows how very much I care and how very wrong it all is. However, when I was bullied and told my mum it upset her and I stopped telling her (and actually started making up stories about friends) because I didn't want to upset her and felt I'd let her down. Was that a weird reaction on my part? Do most children prefer their parents to say the bully is a horrible child and how upsetting it all is? I don't know.

[Piratesandpants]

Oh god how awful for him and you. I'm no expert. Hug him, hold him. He needs to have confidence in you. I hope someone with expertise will reply.

[BurnTheBlackSuit]

I do hug him so much. It breaks my heart because he's so nice and forgiving and doesn't have a nasty bone in his body and he doesn't deserve it. It makes me want to cry, but I don't want to in front of him in case I make it worse.

[FlouncingInTheRain]

DS2 has had a really rough time with a boy in his class. Fortunately we've, after several years, had a major breakthrough when I was very firm with headteacher about the continual low level and dragging others into the bullying behaviours. The child with the bullying behaviour was presented with various issues. I'd got witnesses together - rediculously including adults. Just about everything in the previous few days was admitted to. Things aren't perfect but are significantly better now they appear to actually hear DS and his self confidence is slightly improved.

I read something about its important to acknowlege the feeling that the child is having. So effectively reassuring its okay to feel sad. Also reassuring that it isn't actually something your DS is doing. There are some deflection/ distraction techniques etc he could try but it is not his fault and he isn't bringing it on himself. The bullying behaviour is no doubt because the person carrying it out doesn't have lots of love and support. They need to be taught a better way and the adults are working on how to do this.

I try really hard, but dont always succeed, to label the behaviour as bad rather than the other child as bad. I feel most people who bully are actually rather emotionally vulnerable themselves and its all a bit defensive.

With DS it helped to identify that actually his life has an awful lot of good elements to it and that maybe that is why someone who's having a bit of a rougher time feels jelous and so behaves badly. Its helped him see the child who's bullied as just a child rather than almost superior/ more powerful.

it is heart breaking.

[StarUtopia]

Send your child to karate or similar. It's generally nice children (who are perceived as easy targets) who are picked on. Low level bullying is the worst imo as it's continuous and very damaging over time.

I would work on building up his confidence and giving him the tools to get these bullies to back right off.

How old he is?

[craftyoldhen]

Be matter of fact- well done for telling me. we'll talk to school. You need to do xyz next time

I would do this one. I perhaps wouldn't comment on what they need to do next time, unless it's something you know they can easily do. No point telling them to tell a teacher if they are so anxious they can't speak to teachers (my DD) for instance.

You need to take it seriously, but remain fairly emotionless. You need to give the impression that you can handle what they're telling you and you know how to deal with it.

The second option is too emotional, the child needs to know you can sort it out, not that your heart is breaking - because that will probably make them feel helpless and guilty.

[MrsWhirly]

Be very clear and firm with the school about what your expectations are of them in dealing with this, and ask them for updates and progress. Think about, and tell the school what you are going to do, police, Ofsted, local press if they fail to safeguard your child.

Believe your son, hug him, love him and promise him that you will protect him. Explain that bully's are usually sad/unhappy and do this to make themselves feel better. Ask if he wants to do martial arts. As a last resort speak to the parents. Xx

[Astro55]

Believe your son, hug him, love him and promise him that you will protect him

Talk to him about his reaction

Stand up and say 'thats not nice'
'That isn't OK' 'stop bullying me'

Practice until it is a natural response

There's no need to be dragged into a slanging match so no 'yet but you're fat/ugly/stupid type retaliation

Tell the teacher every time via email - every time - make a paper trail -

If you speak to them confirm it vai email

Today you said you would look into X and get back to me by Y date

[AnOpenBook]

Am in a very similar situation with my Y7 DS who's been teased since the beginning of the school year and where this has now spilled over into casual violence by one girl - it seems every opportunity she gets she'll hit him on the head or bash him into a wall (and by the way school have been rubbish so far - I'm about to post a question about that here)
Some good advice above which I will follow too!

One thing that seems to help DS feel more resilient and cheerful is that we always ask him when he gets in from school "what was the best thing about today?"
We don't get on to talking about anything else until we've had that chat!

Appreciate this may not work with every child, especially if everything else is difficult for them.
In his case, he likes secondary school and would love it if it wasn't for the very large number of kids who tease him, so reminding him of the good stuff is really helpful.

[Badbadbunny]

I'd really not go down the route of "do abc next time" or "try to avoid him" etc. It's half way to making your child think that it's his own fault - akin to victim blaming.

I'd definitely go down the route of keeping a log of incidents and continually reporting them to the teacher initially, and then take it up through the school hierarchy. It's far too easy for the school to just ignore the low level bullying such as the name-calling, verbal abuse, occasional shove, etc.

Nor do I like the karate idea. It's no solution to non-physical bullying and could easily turn into your child being the bully if they use any kind of physical response to non physical bullying.

But, yes, your own emotions need to be held in check. Keep it professional with your reaction and actions - take a deep breath, and apply calm logic rather than an emotional or knee-jerk reaction. Your child needs reassurance and love from you. Tell him what you're going to do, keep him in the loop, ask him if there is anything he can think of to help - i.e. let it be his idea to ask to move forms, or change seating position in the class, or go to school on a different bus or route, etc - by making it his suggestion, he won't think of it as his fault whereas if you make that kind of suggestion, he may do.

I know, I was mercilessly "bullied" for years, first verbal, then damage to property, then physical, all the more made worse by parents/teachers making me feel it was my fault!