I am so sad for my DS

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

He went into your 7 in September and seemed to be enjoying it. However, yesterday (after a few days of them all bickering how 11 year olds do) 2 of his friends who have been with him in primary school as well, told him they hated him and they don't want to be friends with him anymore. One of these boys was his best friend for 3 years and they used to be very close and my DS is devastated. I couldn't get him to go to school this morning and he got so upset he was almost sick and short of pinning him down and dressing him I don't know what else I could have done.

I tried being sympathetic, I cuddled him, I tried being forceful and getting a bit cross. I called the school and said he was ill. DH said I should have told them exactly what is going on but I just think if I do that and the kids get told off or whatever then it is going to get out of hand and won't blow over.

I have told him he has to go to school tomorrow, even if I have to take him in his pjs but I don't know what the hell to do. It all stems from them all going to the park last week and I think DS got the hump about something and got moody and they all started arguing and it has just got out of hand. They all live near each other , get the same bus etc so I just don't know what to do for the best.

I am gutted for him, have had problems with bullying and low self esteem at primary school and I really thought senior school would be a fresh start for him but apparently not :(

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I agree with your DH, you should have told the school what was really going on.

IME these things don't blow over. Whatever people say about 'oh they change their minds about friends all the time', they don't really. It needs tackling in school.

[sebsmummy1]

First thing I would do is talk to the mums of these boys. Not in a 'your son has been mean to mine' type of way, but have a conversation and see if you can work together to see what has happened to change the dynamic of the group.

When I nannied I always had good success with sorting out squabbles and my charges bring picked on by going straight to the mothers and organising one to one play dates. I always found a group of three children inevitably left one being side lined and unhappy.

I would also make sure your son is making friends say from school at clubs etc. When I was being badly bullied around 8-11 my absolute saving grace was that I had loads of friends through my extra curricular activities and I basically lived for the weekend.

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this xxxxx

[sebsmummy1]

Btw my reply was based on them having fallen out and trying to repair the friendship. If you think it is full on bullying them agree with Ali and approach the school.

[Bunbaker]

No, don't talk to the other parents. Talk to the school. They have staff who are very experienced in dealing with these kind of situations, which are, sadly, very commonplace in year 7.

I speak from experience. The lovely mumsnetters gave me the same advice when DD was bullied by her "best friend", and the school were wonderfully supportive.

Does the school have a learning mentor or support staff for pastoral care for each year?. If not, contact the head of year. I found that emailing was very effective because I could get my thoughts in order. Tell them what you have said here and ask them to ring you.

I know how awful it is, so best of luck.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I think it is more a falling out than bullying so to speak but I just don't know. DS can be a bit of a drama king but is now blowing it up in his own mind that it is bullying.

I think it all borders of jealousy and insecurities. He used to be really good friends with friend A, been on holidays together, always together and then when it came to selecting senior schools they were going to different schools. Anyway, the friendship sort of faded a little then as DS started seeing a bit more of friend B who was going to the same school. However, once the places were allocated and they all got the schools they opted for friend A decided he wanted to go to the same school as the others and so managed to get a place and they were all together. A and B gradually eeked my DS out, fair enough, we can all be friend with who we want so DS sort of paired up with say friend C who was another boy that was at primary with them. Anyway, not friend C and A have joined forces and it was these 2 who approached DS yesterday. it seems anyone DS wants to make friend with, then friend A hates it and ruins it.

It all sounds ridiculous but then to an 11 year old who now thinks no one likes him it's a massive deal. I have mentioned it to the parents of A and C, C's mum was really good about it, A's mum thinks he is a little angel who can do no wrong. I love my DS absolutely but am aware of his faults. A's mum is sp paranoid about her DS being bullied (she has said things to me about him like, look at his ginger hair and his big ears, he is a target for bullies....in front of him too....and also told me he had a face only a mother could love) - anyway she is so paranoid about him being bullied but ironically it seems he has turned into a bully.

I will keep an eye on things and will speak to the school for sure if they persist in being nasty.

Should I have forced him to school??

[sebsmummy1]

God that's a difficult one to answer Betty. I have no idea whether you should have forced him or not.

My friend used to tell her children when they said they had a poorly tummy for example [and she suspected it was a plot to stay home] that they should go in for the morning and if they still felt ill at lunchtime they were to tell the teacher and she would come and get them. She said inevitably she never received the call as they had got into the swing of the day.

I guess it's a halfway house type comment though that you could offer to your son if he does it again. Not as severe as forcing him into school, allowing him a little get out clause if the day really turns horrid.

[FuckyNell]

Yes I think you should have made him go to school. It will be easier now for him to use the "you didn't make me last time" routine for a start, and also he needs to understand that school/work etc is not optional unless you're physically unable to go.

I had to change my sons school in year 7 because of bullying.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

In all fairness I tried everything to get him to go but he was crying so much he almost vomited and short of pinning him down.......but yes, if he says he feels ill and I don't believe him I always say to go anyway and they will call if I need to go and collect.

Well, he went in today ok (sad but ok) but it wasn't helped when he got a text from a year 9 (one of the others friends) having a go at him.

I called the school and spoke to the head of year 7 who was brilliant - I dropped DS off at school early today and he was going to have a chat with him about it all although I did tell him at this stage I dont want any action taken with the other boys in case it could still blow over.

Great, another day of worrying about it all, thank goodness it's Friday.

[sebsmummy1]

Betty I think you did the right think. You hear of young children hurting themselves off the back of the tough love approach. Whilst I think it has a time and a place only you know your son, and it's important that he knows no matter what, you have his back. The fact he went in today proves it hasn't set a precedent.