14yo daughter being excluded / bullied by girls. What to do?

[cantsaymyname]

My 14yo DD goes to an all girls school and is in Y9. She became friends in Y7 with a nice group of girls, and generally things rumbled on OK until she started feeling quite excluded in Y8 a year ago. Since then things improved again, and then a new girl let's call her A(who was asked to join her group by the school as A had been left out by her friends), and then her friend B (moved from another school) joined the group. At first A and B were quite nice to DD, involving her in going swimming after school some weeks etc. The group of girls, by the way, is quite large there are 9 of them.

Since Xmas, DD has noticed that all the girls seem to be organising things out of school individually and in small groups, but she is never included in outings and arrangements. When there is a large party she is invited, but this is the only time when she is. She has tried arranging things herself but there is always an excuse why they can't come, so DD has simply given up asking as she fears rejection. At school A and B are often found whispering together and stop when DD appears and make some comment. Recently another girl (C) has started calling DD names and just generally being really spiteful and nasty. There are a couple of nice girls in the group but they are all strong personalities, and the 2 nice girls seem to be easily influenced by the stronger members of the group and instead of standing up for DD when they pick on her they either say nothing or join in with the protagonists.

I have spoken to the school, and at the moment the line seems to be that she is really only having problems out of school as she never seems to be alone at school and is "always smiling". They don't seem to think there is much they can do, but they are going to speak to A, B and hopefully C next week.

We are going to give the school a chance to get this sorted, but obviously it's risk that they won't be able to and it might make the problem worse. Frankly I don't think it could get much worse as DD is now home in tears 2 or 3 times a week. DH thinks we should tell the school we want her to move to a different class and be separated from them for teaching too as far as possible. DD has friends in other classes who like her but they seems to have their own social groups and the groups are all quite cliquey.

So, I'd appreciate any sharing of thoughts from anyone who's had similar experiences. In particular, is it worth looking at moving school or will she just end up "taking the baggage with her"? She loves her school and teachers so it's very sad. I can't sleep for worrying about what is going on - it breaks my heart to see her so upset, especially when she thinks it is her fault because there is something wrong with her.

[QuincyMincemeatbunnyslayer]

www.bullying.co.uk/

have you looked at this?
sorry no more help.

[Ilythia]

God teenage girls can be pure evil, can't they?

Moving schools won't mean the baggage goes with her, but it is a drastic step, espeically at Year 9, as she will have a whole new school to contend with as well as GCSE subjects starting in september. I moved schools in yr 9 (various reasons, mainly bullying causing them all though) and I was then bullied almost instantly in the new school for other reasons (moving from all girls to a mixed school) but the second school dealt with it firmly and instantly, my parents never even knew about it, so my time at that school was great, of course this depends on the school.

Has she tried inviting one or two of the nice girls out or round for tea/whatever? Might be worth cultivating those friendships.
I have to say, the best approach to the school would be through your DD though, you can go in saying she is unhappy, but if the school don't see it, then they won't know what they can do. Is there a pastoral head of year or a teacher she particularly gets on with that she can go and talk to? They are duty bound to take it seriously as this is bullying, and every teacher knows how nasty yr 9 girls can be, but they really do need to see how upset she is and get the full story from her to be able to help iyswim.

I really do sympathise though, poor girl.

[empirestateofmind]

I am a teacher so unfortunately I have seen this sort of situation before. There are things to try before moving school: a new form might work wonders, particularly if they are nice friendly girls in the class and if there is a strong form teacher who will take fast action if things are not working out. Queen bees can spread poison round the year group if they are not pulled up on it.

Things you can try at home are to talk through how your DD can respond to scenarios and discuss people's possible motivations for comments. Make sure your DD has a decent haircut and some nice clothes (parents sometimes don't think about this but teenage girls certainly do).

Also look at your DD's body language when she is with her friends. Is she smiling and looking happy and confident? Sometimes if you change your behaviour it will change the responses you get from other people. This is not easy but I remember one time when it worked wonders and changed a girls life.

Do bear in mind that while they are probably all together in class during year 9 come year 10 it will be different. Forms are usually only together for registrations and PSHE, the rest of the time they will be in sets for core subjects or in option group classes.

I hope some of this helps. I also have teenage DDs and I know how stressful all the friendship thing is for girls.

PS NEVER let your DD go near Formspring. It is very nasty and completely banned in our house.

[cantsaymyname]

@Ilythia it is very true! Yes we do have the nice girls round and DD sometimes goes there too, but always instigated by her. at least she is seeing them out of school sometimes. She has spoken to the Pastoral care lady and also her form tutor, but they seem nonplussed at the moment.

@empire... Nice to get the persepctive of a teacher - and this is exactly the dilemma - carry on through this year and hope for the best when classes mix up again for GCSEs or move now while we can?... It is very difficult. DD has a proper nice haircut and good clothes, and usually is smiling and is with people not a loner (as the school have pointed out!) - the people who spoke to her the other day both commented on how mature DD seems, but I know she is just putting a brave face on at school then it all comes untravelled when she gets home. Thanks for the hint about Formspring - not very nice is it? Have noticed it on on other girls' Facebook pages and wondered what the point is.

[Gunfleetsands]

Would agree completely with your DH about moving forms etc - move now while you can.

It worked for my DD who moved forms at the beginning of year 10. She experienced similar problems to your DD during year 9 and the girls were spoken to by the school. We thought that after the form had been spoken to everything would settle down but just a few days into year 10 it became apparent nothing was going to change so DD changed forms.

you are quite right friendships seem to be form based. DD made friends with a new set of girls and the whole form has been friendly from day one. We are coming to the end of year 11 now and it really was the best decision.

Luckily very few of the girls from her old form were timetabled to be in the same lessons as DD. Some of that was 'luck of the draw' and some because DD had chosen different options.

One or two girls from the old form did make comments, etc to DD in the early days of having changed forms but these were reported to the school and dealt with.

DD is at an all girls school.

Good Luck

[crazynanna]

cantsaymyname I could have wrote this re my 12yo.

We were going to move her form,but,fortunately,her school does a 'confidence building' course,and as my girl is a shy wallflower,we decided on trying this first. She is on session 2,so we wait with baited breath!

I know some of what you are going through. Post and tell how she is getting on

[cantsaymyname]

Hi

Thanks for your comments, gunfleetsands. The form tutor has "had a word" with them in "circle time" and it seemed OK yesterday (but really none of the girls really had a clue about who exactly was upset with their behaviour, as no name was mentioned!)- only time will tell, but we are having a meeting with the tutor next Wednesday and if things haven't improved by then we will be pushing very hard for a form move before the end of this year, so everything is in place for Y10. And then if there is no improvement then, i guess other options will need to be considered. Wish us luck!

And good luck with your DD too, crazyanna.

[Gunfleetsands]

Hi Cantsaymyname

Do hope your meeting goes well next week. In our experience some of these mean girls will back off (after being spoken to) but for others it's not long before they start up again - they just seem to enjoy being nasty.

As for the nicer girls who are sometimes friendly but will not stick up for your DD when others are picking on her, or even join in themselves - what kind of friends are they? My DD suffered/put up with one or two of those for a while (before moving forms). One occasion that sticks in my mind is as follows. One of the nicer girls invited DD round to her house. They both travelled home on the same public transport. However, nicer girl travelled with girls who were unpleasent to DD so she told DD she could travel with her after the other girls had got off at their stop. DD went along with it and had a nice evening. However, DD thought about it afterwards and luckily realised this girl wasn't a real friend. This girl and one or two others (who were considered nicer) never stuck up for DD when others were being nasty and would sometimes join in too. When DD moved into the new form she found a group of really nice girls to be friendly with. Joining in and becoming friendly with this new set of girls didn't happen all at once, it took time but it was worth it.

I really hope everything improves for your DD. I know what a horrible time it can be.

If you do decide to move forms and you are not sure which one to move into whatever they say the school knows where the horrible girls are and in which form the girls are nicer to each other - they usually have the best form tutor as well!!

Good Luck next week.
Gunfleetsands.

Crazynanna - Good Luck to your daughter too.