friendship problems - hard to witness, not sure how to help

[butterfly5]

My daughter is in Year 1, and has really been going through friendship problems for the last few months. It's breaking my heart and I don't know how to help her.

She has one particular "best friend", who she absolutely loves. This girl is the oldest in the year, bright, tall, confident, articulate, good at everything (it seems) and of course, very popular. My daughter is rather reliant on her - and is quite shy and quiet with the other girls, despite me telling her all the time to be friendly with everyone, and that the best way to be happy at school is to have lots of friends etc etc.

This other girl is lovely one day, and horrible the next. She picks and chooses who she wants to play with, and often tells my daughter that she's not allowed to join in, that she doesn't want to play with her that day, that she's done something wrong. The other girls all support her, back her up, agree with her...and when my daughter gets upset and tells the teacher they all join ranks and deny any wrong doing. I've seen it happening - and seen the influence this girl has on others - while my daughter (so happy and bright and lovely at home) tries so hard to join in and is rebuffed.

My husband and i have tried to encourage her to play with someone else (these problems are happening mostly at lunchtimes), but that is easier said than done when she is so established as part of this group...and when she has had a bad few days and seems a bit more resolved to try and find someone else to play with, her friend suddenly bestows all her attention on my daugher, tells her she's her best friend, that she loves her etc, and my daughter comes home glowing and happy, and we're back to the beginning of the cycle. The next day or two are OK, and then it all goes wrong again.

If the other girls in the group would all support each other, I know it would help, but they all stick up for the strong girl, and they are all mostly concerned with being her friend, they don't even seem to like each other much!

I don't know what to do to help, whether to make a big thing of it, whether to tell the teacher...I know I can't sort her problems out for her, but when I see this other girl excluding her and being so unkind it's so hard. I know it is upsetting her, but anything we've done so far to try to sort it out has not worked at all. She needs to break away from this girl and make some new friends, but she adores her and the idea of that is just appalling for her!

I'm new to this (first post), and sorry for the length. Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen]

I don't think that it would do any harm to speak to the teacher. Not to complain as such about the other girl but just to discuss your concerns. Does the 'popular girl' treat the other girls in this group the same or just your dd and if others tell the teacher about their treatment does your dd also join ranks and deny wrongdoing? Not trying to be unkind but if she does maybe she needs to understand that this is wrong, though I'm not sure if this would help the situation. Does your dd do any out of school activities, Rainbows, sports etc perhaps these would help her confidence and help her see a variety of social situations and friendships.

[butterfly5]

Thanks very much for your thoughts - very kind. It's an interesting question about whether the other girls in the group get the same treatment. My dd suggests not, and that it's always her, but then again, there are other days when she comes out of school really happy, and I wonder if on those days it's been another girl's turn for the exclusion treatment. They seem to have this horrible game of "running away" from her - she SAYS she doesn't do it to others, but I'm not sure...maybe the teacher can shed more light on it.

We've told her that when they are unkind to her she should walk away and find someone else to play with , problem is, she says if she does that the other girls tell her she's being really mean and go and tell the teachers and SHE ends up getting into trouble. Seems like a bit of a lose-lose situation for her, and I'm a bit stuck with what advice to give her!!!

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

It sounds as if the teacher needs to take the whole group in hand and start having talks about kindness and fairness - the rule 'everyone can play' should apply.
Your dd is quite young to expect her to use strategies to deal with this (although clearly the other girl isn't). No harm in having a neutral, non-blaming word with the teacher and explaining how unhappy it's making your DD.
You'll be able to guage from her response whether this sort of thing gets pushed under the carpet in that school (in which case, think about moving schools), or treated as a matter for concern and dealt with swiftly and without fuss.

[butterfly5]

Yes, I am definitely thinking of going in and having a chat with the teacher. Thanks for your comments.

It's hard to know how much of this is me over-analysing and over-worrying about friendships. I went through a very difficult time with friendships myself at school and I wonder whether I am almost expecting my dd to have problems...my husband has commented on the extreme reaction I have to seeing her being treated horribly - it makes me SO upset, feel sick and shaky!!!

Yet, I did see really horrible treatment on Saturday (that made me so upset and prompted me to write about this in the first place!), my dd definitely is upset by it and really seems to appreciate the chance to talk about what's going on, so there is definitely a problem. And I feel very unsure of what on earth to suggest to her to do when it happens next, as I fear it will when she goes back to school tomorrow!

[cantsaymyname]

It's interesting what you say about over-analysing and over-worrying, I have done this with my daughter and my husband says the same thing. She's in Y9 and is currently being affected by a nasty group of girls who are suppsoed to be her friends. But it's easy for DH to say that they don't understand exactly how vicious and spiteful girls can be. I would certainly go into school straight away and get it sorted but sadly I guess the behaviour of the girl probably won't change, you'll need to work on changing your DD's responses to these situations (i.e. find someone else to play with). Good luck.

[butterfly5]

Ahh I've just seen your message, cantsaymyname, thank you very much for your comments. I find it so hard NOT to stress (obsess maybe?!) about friendships. I watch, scrutinise, analyse...where lots of the other mums are sitting chatting, having a nice time and oblivious to the finer details of the girls' interactions. Same with husbands, like you say, they def don't see the full extent of it all. I wish I could be more like this!! Sorry to hear about your DD having trouble at school at the moment - girls can be so mean can't they. I really hope things settle down for your dd.

I went into the school about this situation - the teacher played it down and has suggested we leave it two weeks without any communication, then see how things are in two weeks and whether further intervention is needed. I felt a little bit like I was being told to bugger off and stop pestering them for two weeks, and I was a bit upset...However, since then I've tried to back off a bit. I've stopped asking as soon as she comes out of school how it's been, who she played with etc, and it SEEMS (touch wood) to have settled down a bit, albeit with this girl still blowing hot and cold with my dd. She told her one day she's her best friend, on other days she refused to play with her again.

I agree completely that the best thing I can do is encourage my dd to play with others. She has a different friend coming for tea tomorrow!

[TapselteerieO]

I bought a book for my dd in this situation, doesn't stop the behaviour but gives her coping strategies that she can go back to time and again, my dd has been dealing with a similar situation for the last 3+ years.

I did eventually speak to the school, who set up counselling sessions and spoke to the whole class, the so called friend went to the sessions with my dd and at the end of them told her she was just pretending to get the teachers off her back. She also told my dd that her hobby was to make dd cry.

The book is called Bullies, Big Mouths and So Called Friends. It might be worth getting.

I think it is worth speaking to the teacher, it might not resolve anything but it might mean a lot to your dd to let the teacher know how she feels and give the teacher the chance to watch out for the bad behaviour. Good luck, it is a horrible situation to be in.

[Oblomov]

I totally understand. My ds(7) worships one boy who blows hot and cold. I have tried and ried to persuade him thta this is not true freindship, but it is so very very hard.

But you must perservere. eventually we hope thta thye have enough self worth and maturity to realsie how a TRUE friend should teach them. but unfortunaelty I think this only comes with age. whicjh makes it even more painful for you, in the meantime.

How many girls in the class. we have 2 classes of 30 in each year, so its a bit easier.

You must tell the teacher. Our school had a series of talks with all the boys about 'treating eachother nicely', freindships and what the rukes were. I think they had 4 or 5 chats. And it made the whole class dynamics alot better.

My school is very very good. loving teachers who match children with other children, who they might not have thought of. they do this is many ways. you could ask teacher who they think your dd would be well matched to. teacher might well have somone in mind. then invite that girl round to play, as much as possible.
do they have a friendship week. they have one every term at ours. the teacher matches the children and they HAVE to play with onoly eachother for the whole week. Every mum I have ever spoken to , thinks this is fab.

Have you spoken to the mum. or the other mums. to find out what is really going on ?

sorry have just seen latest post. bad the school seems so dismissive.

I would still go back tot he school. And politely insist on something being done. don't get fobbed off. AND then, let it go, so that you don't become a nuisance.

HTH