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please reassure me i'm doing the right thing

(23 Posts)
booyhoo Sun 13-Sep-09 23:21:31

i know i am, im just not hearing it from anyone in RL

some of you might recall my post a couple of days ago regarding my 15 week old and wether to start him on solids. well from about four oclock on friday morning he's been feeding every hour and half to two hours, i'm assuming this is a growth spurt and i'm not concerned about this sudden increase in frequency of feeds. but yesterday after feeding at half past 4 he was looking more at half five so i put him to the breast and he got really frustrated and kept pulling away. there was no milk and he was really fretting. i kept trying him on but same reaction so i made up a 4 ounce bottle of formula. the first time he's ever had formula. he refused it for a while but was still screeching and eventually he took it. i did this as a one off just to let my milk build up again. i fed him myself after his bath at 8pm and he slept until 4 am this morning.

but my problem is, my mum is now saying she knew for a while he wasnt getting enough from me but didnt want to say. she says she knew it would happen eventually and that i can still feed him myself in the morning and evenings and give him a bottle durring the day. i think she was actually getting excited and said that i should give her some bottles and formula to keep at her house.

i have no intention of replacing his feeds with formula. breastfeeding is going well, and i know he will settle again. i have tried many times to explain this to my mum. ive explained that by putting him to the breast my supply will increase. but she seems to think i'm being a know all. ive told her ive researched it and taken advice from breastfeeding support group but she seems to have the impression that im just being stubborn. she makes me feel guilty by saying that breastfeeding my son is too demanding and that it means i dont have the time to spend with my older ds. anytime the subject comes up now we end up rowing.

mu mum thinks im being stubborn, not providing enough milk for ds2, not giving enough attention to ds1 and dont really know what i'm talking about. i know she'll probably always think this but it's really getting to me now. i dont want her to think i would purposely do that to either of my children.

i know im just having a whinge but it helps to get it out of my system. someone come and reassure me that what im doing is right and i shouldnt just switch to formula now because ive had to use it once. btw i would have given him ebm but my pump has been returned to manufacturer and i have none in freezer.

yummyspottyblueberry Sun 13-Sep-09 23:45:14

Did your mum not manage to bf you?! I only ask as she sounds identical to my aunt & MIL who couldn't & wouldn't and stated the same to my cousin. Only 2% of the entire women in the UK cant bf/dont have enough supply!
But you do not need to hear it as it completely knocks your confidence!

I didn't experience it this time (THANK GOD!!!) but with DS1 i remember the most HORRENDUS growth spurt at 4months. I was literally pinned to the chair/bed with him on me for 3 whole weeks. It was shite! But it DOES pass. So many people wean at 16 weeks for the same issue but although it may be a tough one, you will get through it and you dont need formula or solids!

DS1 was underweight, lost a lot, was slow to put on and VERY hungry BUT we didn't top up and didn't wean (BLW) until 23 weeks. This time I had an average size baby who hasn't been particularly hungry, didn't top up or wean until 25 weeks (BLW again) and both are happy and healthy so far touch wood. However, both have been around 9th-25th centile and crap sleepers - was told from day 3 with DS1 to top up and with both, told at 16week jabs to wean as it would cure the crap sleeping angry. Not neccessary!

Please have faith - you are doing a fab job and the best for your DS smile

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 00:00:05

thank you yummy.

i know all this, i do. i have read enough on MN alone to know i am right but when it comes from your mum. i dont know she would have me thinking black was white if she wanted to. i think its that thing of mum knows best that you never really grow out of. well i clearly havent.

she fed me for 7 weeks and then didnt even consider feeding my sister. and continually reminds me that she was always the healthier child of us both. i do honestly believe it is a jealous thing that she didnt continue bfeeding herself.

she was the person who convinced me to switch to formula at 7 weeks with ds1 as "he wasnt getting enough" from me. i am still very angry at her for this although i have never told her. i now know he was having a growth spurt and it would have passed as this one with ds2 will, but at the time i didnt know a thing about breastfeeding and believed what she said.

ive given her facts and statistics but it doesnt make any differnce, i dont know if she thinks im making it up or if its all rubbish but she's still saying the same thing.

newspaperdelivery Mon 14-Sep-09 00:05:06

Do not listen to your mum anymore. Do not allow her further airtime.

A good line would be 'I am very happy with the feeding mum, shall we change the subject. Have you bought any spring bulbs'

If you have any worries yourself, then start a thread on them and get the demons laid to rest, and remember the website Kellymom - place of knowledge and wonderment.

Blank it blank it blank it. She is wrong and you are right.

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 00:11:36

yes, good advice. i think i will advise her that unless her opinion is an educated one, it is surplus to requirements. i've just been looking at kellymon to re-arm myself that i may fire some more facts at her when she inevitably offers her 'advice' again.

i am right, i am right. i know i am.

newspaperdelivery Mon 14-Sep-09 00:24:17

Repeat mantra. Sway of you have to.

Keep the faith. It works. It really does. smile

My advice is also remember, you are feeding your baby, not trying to make her see your point of view. You do not have to prove you can do it, you do not have to prove her wrong. So give her facts if you think it will help you, but focus on the joy of feeding.

Surround yourself only with things that fan that flame, babymoon when you want to and savour the time. Soak it up. What a magic time! What a shame your mum is missing some of it with this silly business of hers.

Honestly, try changing the subject to spring bulbs,. She'll be gobsmacked and wrong footed and may just get the message to bug out! grin

yummyspottyblueberry Mon 14-Sep-09 00:27:15

You have hit the nail on the head - she is jealous. My MIL admitted exactly the same thing to me when I cheekily dared to blythley fed DS1 infront of the 'in-law' family for the first time - she was very disparaging and tried to make me embarassed infront of everyone in the room! Unfortunately I'm a bit bolshy and determined when it comes to things I am passionate about and gave her a short shrift. She soon backed down and shut up and I did as I liked and fed DS1 until DS2 came along (23 mths later - complete disgust from them!) but both my cousin and SIL both gave up under pressure at 6 weeks and i'm really sad at that!

With respect, I dont think I would be as forthright with my own mum as Newspaper suggests (MIL - Yes!!) as I have an amazing respect for my mum and the slight reverence you describe booyhoo!! I wouldn't blank it but would be firm and give it the jokey approach saying 'ah yes, that's how it was done in the olden days wink these days I think we should try xyz....and that is how I will be doing it with DS'.

Be strong Booy. No matter how well they parented us, they cant parent our kids as well as we can - they need to trust they did a good enough job with us!!! grin

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 00:36:18

yes i would find it very hard to be so straight with her but i think in this case i might have to. she is all too aware how strong minded i am so i dont think it will be much of a shock to her if i do tell her straight to close the topic. but i just wish she would respect my choices as based on valid evidence, not just my silly stubborn notions. i know she does think i am persevering with breastfeeding to prove a point but i really do believe i am doing the best thing for my baby.

if i thought she would read it i would print off a load of info from kellymom and place it infront of her the next time she pipes up.

newspaperdelivery Mon 14-Sep-09 00:40:19

Ahh no not forthright. You don't have to be rude or anything. Say what I suggest but in a sing song happy voice, like you are chatting about a choice in paint colour. Just a 'hmm yes there is that, like you say, I suppose. Have you seen the new houses they are building on the high street...'

Just change the subject totally. It can avoid the confrontation and avoid the tit for tat and friction. So tiring having that negative vibe in the house when a new bubba is about. Just do your thing, carry on, it still works weather your mum can believe it or not so actualy its ok for her to be waiting ofr all the bad things to happen due to a lack of formula or whatever. Let her wait. I guess.

I have compassion for anyone who is blue over their own feeding history - so I guess w have to try have empathy here. And wait patiently for the empathy to be returned.....

newspaperdelivery Mon 14-Sep-09 00:43:13

sorry x-posts.

Oh I have felt like doing that soooooo many times with sooooo many people. It's so frustrating when your working your socks off to do something you really believe in and all you get is a sense that there is someone there, waiting, poised for the cracks to appear. I hear ya booyhoo!

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 00:43:49

oh another thing you coul perhaps help with,

when my ds first latches on to feed you can hear him swallowing. my mother says he is starving. she's wrong isnt she? baby's do make gulping noises when feeding without being starving?

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 00:45:50

i think i might print off several copies and carry them with me to hand to all those people who ask me when will i start him on 'real baby milk'

yummyspottyblueberry Mon 14-Sep-09 00:54:01

It's fine! Shows he's hungry and getting what he needs - therefore thwarting your mum's opinion you're not providing enough milk!!!! You are obviously producing plenty and him gulping means he is swallowing loads!!! grin

Both mine have gulped like mad and I love it - you're a fab milk monster lol!!!

newspaperdelivery Mon 14-Sep-09 00:54:03

SHe is misguided yes.

This gulping might be the signal of your let down, your milk is probably very available and your very chuffed baby is slurping huge mouthfulls. This then cools of a bit and he might swallow every few sucks.

Its all good.

maybe she would benefit from you spraying her with milk? grin <<naughty>> I did this across the room [I have a pretty serious let down reflex] when my mum said something about 'is there anything in there] She was joking actually, but still I'm not having it.

yummyspottyblueberry Mon 14-Sep-09 00:57:09

ROTFL - I too can 'paint the wall' when in let down mode grin

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 00:59:16

i dont know if she would benefit, but i would certainly get great enjoyment out of that. but then i'd have to stop feeding to go and lift her off the floor!!

newspaperdelivery Mon 14-Sep-09 01:02:06


I think many a frustrated soul has put a good dollop of it in the cup of tea they insist you make them.

But in reality, its all about your son and the optimum nutrition you are giving him. So enjoy, and buy yourself a nice hotmilk bfing bra to celebrate. Hurrah!

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 01:09:02

yes, i meant to check out that sale. thanks for reminding me.

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 01:18:29

none in my size

mathanxiety Mon 14-Sep-09 02:52:45

There's a thread here about the crazy things the older generation says about bfing, some sad, some really irritating, and also comments about the possible motivation of the people who make the remarks.

BertieBotts Mon 14-Sep-09 10:49:17

Yes, gulping entirely normal, and a great sign as at least you know he is swallowing something! What a strange thing to say anyway - have you ever seen a baby gulp down a bottle? They always look starving! grin

I remember when my DS was about 16/17 weeks and he was the kind of baby who watched VERY intently when you ate, crammed everything and anything in his mouth (first tooth at 6 months, probably why) and if he saw me eating and wasn't allowed the food would get so frustrated people kept telling me he was having a tantrum hmm

My mum kept on and on about how she breastfed me and my sister but she was giving us both spoonfuls of baby rice at 3 months, she really wanted to give me a break as she was worried that I was being worn out by all the feeding (I wasn't - DS had "plateaued" ie dropped a few centiles, which is normal for breastfed babies at this age) One day when I was at her house I was holding DS with both hands and she was feeding me kiwi fruit from a spoon (as you do!) and DS was getting so frustrated that she said I was being mean for refusing him solids. She asked if she thought I had put us at risk by feeding us solids so young. I said no - she was following the medical advice given out at the time, which was exactly what I was doing, and since medical knowledge is always improving, I think it's the best thing you can do to follow the most up-to-date advice. She did stop after that, but she refuses to do BLW for messy things like yoghurt and I've decided to compromise on that front, DS won't be harmed by a spoonful of yoghurt!

Anyway this all seemed to go on for ages and be quite stressful at the time, but looking back it was such a short window of time. So remember "This Too Shall Pass" and if you can get any medical professionals to back you up (ie if you have a pro-bf HV or GP you can bring her along to an appointment and you can mention something about bf to 6 months/a year being important to you and they should back you up) that tends to convince people a lot more than doing your own research.

booyhoo Mon 14-Sep-09 13:46:57

bertie thats a good idea about reminding them they followed the advice given at the time. i will remember that one.

pookamoo Mon 14-Sep-09 13:59:35

I get similar comments about all aspects of childrearing from my aunt. She's never even had any children fgs!

booyhoo, you said "mother knows best" earlier on... and this time round you are the mother of your son, so you know what's best for him! smile
You're doing a great job, keep at it! MN will be here to support you.

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