Desperate to breastfeed but it's just not working

[TheVeryHungryTortoise]

Hi all! I'm looking for advice on feeding my 7 week old DS. We have had problems with breastfeeding from the beginning and I was told again and again that it all magically gets better at six weeks. Well...it hasn't, and I'm really starting to struggle.

He had quite a severe tongue tie at birth which caused me lots of pain and bleeding nipples. This was sorted at one week old but he still doesn't stick his tongue out over his lip to latch (although he does now stick his tongue out for wind/copying so I think the tie is sorted.) This past week I have been solely expressing and feeding him bottles. If I had the support of my partner (who goes to university) to look after him all day whilst I pumped then this would be a good solution, however this is just not feasable. When he bottle feeds he sort of rolls the teat around with his tongue- is this normal? On my breast he fusses a lot and just doesn't seem to suction on, so he falls off every few seconds. All this makes him really windy and the GP has also just diagnosed reflux. He also jyst seems to feed and feed for hours and when I take him off he becomes really cross.

I'm just so upset with this whole situation. I have nothing against formula but really really want breastfeeding to work. I have been to see numerous healthcare professionals who either say the latch looks fine or (my personal favourite!) to "just think of a nice holiday and ignore the pain."

Please help!

[Aozora13]

Sorry to hear you’re struggling. Both my DDs had tongue ties, although thankfully their issues resolved when the tie was corrected. It was a really rough ride though! Have you been shown different positions to try? I also found the “flipple” technique helped (although it sometimes triggered the gag reflex!). FWIW my DD2 could stick her tongue out but it was the up and down motion that was restricted - might be worth getting him checked again in case the tt isn’t fully resolved?

Do you have a breastfeeding group near you? Both times I found them incredibly helpful and supportive, particularly after a lot of misconceptions being peddled by other healthcare professionals (including “you’re feeding that baby too much” and that old chestnut “the latch looks fine and she’s gaining weight so what’s the problem?”). Sure the latch might look fine from the outside, but what’s going on inside?! If it still hurts then something isn’t right.

Hope you can get things resolved

[Shazafied]

I had a similar situation , my dd had tongue tie then excessive tongue tip reflex so held her tongue firmly to the roof of her mouth, blocking the entrance to her mouth. I was still in agony at 8-9 weeks and finally, sadly , gave up . I did express till she was 4 months but it was such hard work I wouldn’t do it again.

I found health visitors and midwifes to be useless , gave me wrong information, told me nothing was wrong etc etc. I took her to a lactation specialist midwife when she was 8 weeks who explained what was happening with her tongue , and that it was fixable but would take a lot of time and perseverance to train her out of it. She gave us lots of finger excersises to do with a syringe of expressed milk before every feed . I did these for a week and gave up... I was nearly at the end of my tether when I finally saw that woman though. Had I seen her earlier I might have carried on and cracked it.

Who have you been to see so far ?

[TheVeryHungryTortoise]

Thanks ladies!

@Aozora13 I have tried the "flipple" technique and it does help a little bit but he still slips off constantly. And that's interesting about your DD2 I will try to find someone to have a check. I actually went to one of the breastfeeding cafes in my local area and just found them so unhelpful that I left in tears (that's where the woman told me to "think of a nice beach holiday.")

I just feel like because he's gaining weight no one cares that I'm struggling/in pain. I just feel like a failure! And as I'm writing this he's on and off my boob because he's suddenly decided to reject his bottles (fantastic!)

@Shazafied I'm so sorry that you had to give up, but well done on getting to 4 months expressing! I've found a week and a half tricky enough!! I have seen a lovely NHS midwife (who couldn't find what was wrong), a breastfeeding support cafe (very patronising!) and a private lactation consultant (who cut his TT and helped with latching at the time- I can't really afford her again though.)

[Aozora13]

You’re not a failure Tortoise! You’re doing your best for your boy. I can really relate to feeling like no one cares or is listening - I got really upset when a HV examined DD2 and told me she didn’t think she had a tongue tie, despite the fact I’d literally just told her we’d been referred to get it released. I spent 6 weeks in agony w DD1 as everyone kept saying there was nothing wrong and it was such a tough time.

I’m so sorry the bf group treated you so shabbily - the beach holiday comment is just not on. Do you have other NHS options nearby? I’m in London so there are I think 5 or 6 different groups in my borough but I know services can be patchy. You could also try NCT or La Leche League?

[Aozora13]

Also, I have no personal experience of it but I’ve heard positive stories about cranial osteopathy. Not evidence based but might be worth investigating?

[Shazafied]

Ok. So I also found the breastfeeding charity drop in a total patronising waste of time.

I saw a specialist trained midwife whose whole job was acting as a lactation consultant in a clinic based in te birthing centre. The reason I saw her so late was , despite my issues and despite knowing of her existence, none of my midwives or hv team told me about her. The only reason I found about her was phoning the post natal ward in the middle of the night one night, when dd was failing to feed anything but blood - she was a few weeks old, perhaps 7 weeks - and crying hysterically down the phone begging for help as I did not want to use formula. They post natal wars referred me to this lactation specialist lady and it was totally free. Could you call them and ask ? I’m not sure why the MW and HV didn’t tell me about her ! Perhaps they didn’t think I was struggling enough ! I think I possibly put on a brave face for them, silly really.

There are some breastfeeding support workers that will come to your home - Perhaps fond your local la lèche league group on FB and say how much you are struggling, you’ve already been to the cafe etc etc and need one to one support ?

The only other things I can think of are:

somehow find the money to see that helpful private lactation consultant again (not helpful I know)

• use silicone nipple shields to give your nipples a break ? If not already tried. Some people swear by them. I found them annoying.
  
• keep expressing with a double hands free pump - I had a Medela freestyle and I could not have expressed for so long without it.
  

I know how awful it is I really do and I know you don’t want to give up. I remember biting my fist and crying and could hardly breathe with the pain, literally every time dd latched on.

I wish I’d persevered On one hand, as bottle feeding was a faff. But then again I think I did the right thing stopping when I did as my MH was suffering.

[rachelfrost]

At was a real struggle with a couple of my dc until about 3 months, after then it became super easy. I’m not telling you that you should stick it out, you’ll make the right choice be that bottle or breast, but no one told those two babies of mine about the magic 6wk mark. Maybe it’ll get better later for you too. I tried it all and in the end I think the babies getting bigger and stronger and better coordinated is what fixed it.

(Also, I have 4dc and the other 2 fed fine from the start so you’re not necessarily doing anything wrong). Good luck.

[JudgeRulesNutterButter]

Can I just say - you have made breastfeeding work, for 7 weeks. That is no small achievement with so many problems.

If you do have to give up then please remember that!

[CatnissEverdene]

You've done amazingly well to get to 7 weeks, blimey.

Just a thought - my youngest granddaughter had terrible reflux and was an extremely unhappy baby. DD battled to breastfeed and try to get the gaviscon into her but it was so hard going. At 7 months she literally just refused to feed and the HV suggested DD try one of the special reflux formulas. Within days baby was so much happier, and DD felt dreadful she'd not considered it an option before. It broke her heart not to breastfeed, and she'd had no other issues with her others. It took a few goes at getting the bottle/teat right mind, and in the end the Mam bottles were the only ones she would feed from. We spent a small fortune in Boots trying bottle after bottle.....

[Aozora13]

@Shazafied actually I heard of a mythical feeding specialist who worked out of the hospital I gave birth at l who was a qualified lactation consultant, could do tongue tie referrals etc but I didn’t see her either time I was there and she was never mentioned by anyone else! Think they prefer to push the groups though - ours are all NHS run by qualified staff w plenty of peer support etc

[SkiMum99]

Nipple shields saved my sanity and the bleeding/cracked nips & horrendous pain I suffered with first DD, second baby I used them from day 2 I then weaned baby off them around 8wk mark, but I could of carried on using them no problem if I’d wanted to. But please be kind to yourself you have done so well to get to this point, it’s exhausting having a new born let alone struggling with BF, maybe mix feeding would help give you a break? Gd luck.

[TheVeryHungryTortoise]

I'm also in London @Aozora13. I know there's a few other groups near me but just felt so defeated after that first one that I didn't want to go to any others. I suppose I should try again this week.

@Shazafied I'll try contacting a La lèche league group, thanks. I'm also seeing the GP this for pnd and as much as I want to carry on breastfeeding I know all of this is making it worse.

@rachelfrost that's good to know, thanks. Everyone keeps rambling on about 6 weeks being when everything suddenly falls into place so I just feel a bit disappointed.

@judge thanks. I know I should be proud of myself for trying but it's so hard when I had my heart set on breastfeeding.

@CatnissEverdene I was actually wondering if the anti reflux formula was any good. Is it a thickener/does it constipate babies as much as infant gaviscon?

@SkiMum99 I have tried nipple shields but DS just seems to get cross and the milk ends up everywhere but his mouth! Maybe sizes were wrong? Do you experience with mixed feeding my HVs were so negative about it and all seem to think your milk supply just dries up if you even consider mixed feeding!!

[Aozora13]

@TheVeryHungryTortoise it makes me so cross that there’s such a push on “breast is best” but then it’s such a struggle to actually get support. You’re doing such a great job! Be kind to yourself.

[Shazafied]

@Aozora13 I totally agree. My dd is now 13 months and it’s taken me almost this long to reflect on what happened and truly accept that it’s not my fault that BF did not work out. I think that if you have a more persistent or complicated problem than just tongue tie / repositioning , then not many people can / will help. Especially when you get this far in and it’s still painful, your baby is not getting satisfying feeds. I still feel angry about the way that BF was pushed, followed by a total lack of support when it didn’t work despite my best efforts. I’ve forgiven myself now for eventually ff, dd is super healthy and bright as a button... but it took time, and no health professional or midwife said anything to make me feel better when I decided to switch.

Pregnant again and will absolutely give BF a month or so this time, but if it’s awful again I’ll ff and not torture myself !!!

Op I really hope you get some efficient help. It is out there , it’s just so hard to find xx