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How do you do it fairly?!

(7 Posts)
user1489931797 Sun 07-Jan-18 11:02:01

So we have had to start combine feeding for now as my supply not quite meeting demand.

Which obviously has its pros and cons, one benefit atleast is feeding can be shared and I can get some rest or so atleast that's what I thought..

DH not being proactive it's not on his radar as to when DS next feed is not is he then prepping ahead in terms of sterilising and washing bottles ready or even when I've basically got everything ready for him to do a 5am feed this morning after I'd been up with DS for 6hrs he still didn't put ready made formula back in the fridge like I asked if he wasn't needing to give DS more than I measured out.

I can't do everything even to the point that he still expects at the weekend for me to be doing the nappy changes with him

I said you need to do this on your own at weekend I need a rest and he gets defensive and says well it's easier when there's 2 of us!

Well I wish I had that luxury Monday -Friday!

Thing is he says I feel I need to to more and I want to be a good dad etc but he seems to lack the get up and go and the proactive behaviour to then put those words into action but I don't have enough energy and strength to power that for him and we have discussed this so many tines!

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Caterina99 Sun 07-Jan-18 11:57:55

Is he nervous of doing it by himself?

I was lucky (so to speak) in that I had a csection and was v unwell afterwards with my DS so DH was forced to get stuck in from the very beginning. Even then he would ask me things and my answer would always be that I don’t know any more than you just because I’m female. This is my first time having a baby too!

I think just give him more practice as he says he wants to do it. It’s hard when you’re at home with baby all week not to become the default parent on a weekend too.

I also found that things that required planning like sterilizing, packing the bag, topping up supplies etc, my DH was rubbish at, so I always did that, no matter the day. Then I could just say there’s a bottle ready to go or his lunch is in the fridge and he had no excuse. Annoying, but because I did it every other day of the week it was just easier for me to plan ahead for it.

Also make certain things his responsibility. Nappies he can just get on with, but DH used to do a 11pm formula feed (we combi fed) and he knew it was every day so he just did it. He also does breakfast for my toddler, although there’s no variety as DH just gives him the same every day

user1489931797 Mon 08-Jan-18 02:20:37

Thanks @Caterina99 good to hear your experience you hit nail On the head 'default parent' is how I feel that and my boobs are the answer to every upset DS experiences when reality is DH needs to get confident in other ways to soothe.

For example if he sings a song that seemingly "worked" a week ago but after 5 seconds doesn't today he takes it personally or doesn't understand/aware of the difference between shhhing in a soothing Like manner and shhhing loudly over DS crying as if he hears it will stop.

Exactly as you said I'm new at this too and don't have the answers!

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seafooodplatter Mon 08-Jan-18 02:39:06

He sounds a bit like a mard arse tbh.

Nappy changes do not need more than one person. It would surely be harder with 2 people and a wriggly baby and 4 hands jumping in getting in the way?!
Just tell him no, he needs to be capable of doing this alone. You can't and won't be there 24/7.

Sit down and have a serious talk with him. Explain one last time how you do things regarding feeding, what he will need to do, and tell him that when it is your turn to rest, you will be resting. Alone.

Nip it in the bud now. There are way too many dads that I know that see general care as the mum's job by default and get away with doing nothing or the bare minimum. My DH does everything naturally, but I wouldn't stand for it if he didn't.

It's 2018, not the 1950s.
Everything from nappies, dressing, bathing, feeding (if FF), soothing, getting to sleep should be done by both parents when they are both at home.

Good luck!

RustyRoller Mon 08-Jan-18 02:51:52

I am also combi feeding and know how you feel as my DH was also like that at the beginning. For us It was actually easier for two ppl to change nappies, so maybe your DH needs more time until he gets better with it.

What worked for me was complementing him a lot whenever things worked like when he was able to successfully make DD sleep. After that, DH actively read about baby sleep patterns and things and now he is like an expert! Also, I gave him specific tasks (bottle washing and sterilising after dinner etc) and explain in detail the dangers of not doing certain stuff (if the formula is not put back in the fridge, germs will grow and DD will get sick etc).

user1489931797 Mon 08-Jan-18 05:58:54

It's weird @seafooodplatter DH seems to struggle with being proactive and on it when it comes to anything that doesn't directly effect him or his needs subconsciously it's been that way for a long time with our relationship hard to explain.

Just seems that he can know and agree what he needs to do and be on top of and know the consequences if he doesn't do something but still isn't enough to trigger action and certainly not for change for long periods of time

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user1489931797 Mon 08-Jan-18 06:07:07

@RustyRoller great idea about complimenting when a job is done well I'm a great believer in positive reinforcement
But even when he sings him a song and makes him smile or soothes him as soon as that fades or he tired it next time and doesn't work he takes it personally and gives up.

I'll say try another song to which he'll get irritable and say cant think of one baring in mine this is someone who was in bands for 12 years and loves karaoke!

He's confident with nappy changing and does do it on his own when I'm managing to snatch a 1hr power nap but when I'm up and awake he expects me to join and I have started to say no you can manage it.

OP’s posts: |

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