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It didn't get easier at 6 weeks or even 6 months, why in the hell am I still doing it?

(6 Posts)
IdaClair Sat 20-Apr-13 21:46:36

I have had a difficult time with BF, we've had a tongue tie diagnosed and snipped, baby with severe reflux and many medication changes, diagnosed with failure to thrive. In and out of hospital having blood squeezed out of her, weekly weigh ins, elimination diet for me. Then recurrent infective mastitis, followed by thrush. Baby didn't return to birth weight until 11 weeks old, and a fussy, fussy feeder, every feed is on/off on/off with lots of thrashing, screaming, for one four week period she would only be fed if I was stood and walking. Held out to six weeks when I thought it would be better, but it wasn't, then held out to six months, thinking it would be better, but it wasn't. Then held out a bit longer thinking getting used to food would help, but it hasn't, we were advised to wean early but held out to 6m and she is feeding herself very well and eating a lot - but it's still not better. I am back at work, now, part time, and she has expressed milk when I'm not there or formula if I haven't enough. And she's fine with a bottle, and feeds much better, but still doesn't take much volume (2-3oz per feed).

I have decided to stop for definite at least 6 times. But somehow whenever I thinkg of never feeding her again it feels wrong - I don't like BF, I don't enjoy feeding, it's not peaceful, she feeds every hour of the night, is teething and cranky and I'm more tired than I think I've ever been. She's going through nursing strikes now of 3-4 days when she barely feeds and I think it's done and I feel crap. And then she's back again and I feel all nostalgic thinking each feed might be her last and worrying about how I'll afford formula (cash is very tight right now and we only have one bottle and no sterilser, so would have to get the whole lot).

I think my hormones are playing horrible tricks on me. Or I'm trying to prove something? The idea of not feeding her is horrible. The idea of carrying on feeding her is horrible. I keep reminding myself I have to stop sometime, and I'm not failing - please talk some sense into me. What am I doing? I feel like I'm spinning round in circles. Baby is 8m by the way.

Pinkponiesrock Sat 20-Apr-13 22:37:35

No I absolutely hated the first few months of BFing all of mine and can't say I particularly enjoyed the remaining time but I was so upset when I gave up which I did multiple times with each of 3 DCs. I think it's some almost primitive instinct that you must feed your child, that was the only way I could explain mine!

Londonmrss Sat 20-Apr-13 23:13:24

Just wanted to send sort. My baby is now six months and it's been a difficult journey (refused to latch for first month, several nursing strikes of several days etc, one nursing strike of 3 weeks where she screamed every time I attempted to feed, refuses to feed anywhere but in silence at home meaning I can barely leave the house blah blah). I have said several times that breastfeeding has ruined my life. And yet I'm still going. It'sa love hate relationship.

I guess for me, I just keep going through pure determination and I always just think 'one more day'- might as well just for one more if I can. If I reach that point where I really can't carry on or I am just too miserable or it's affecting our relationship? I'll stop.

Well done for continuing- people like us should feel extra proud of the amount of work we have to put into this.

Londonmrss Sat 20-Apr-13 23:13:47

*support

BonaDea Sun 21-Apr-13 03:32:08

OP, you poor thing.

I am prob not the best person to comment as my DS is only a month old. However I have found bf'ing very hard so far (significant initial weight loss, terrible latch with associated pain, horrendous thrush which is agony and won't bloody clear). I am also holding out for the mythical 6 week point you describe so can relate to what you felt back then!

I can't tell you what to do. All I can say is it sounds like you have given body and soul to your Dd to make sure she gets the best start and so are a fantastic mum. You have fed her a full 6 months plus which is what a great many people aim for but probably not that many achieve. Your Dd is healthy and doing well with weaning. Although the idea of stopping feeding her is sad, I'm not sure if the reality would be - perhaps the idea of it, but the reality?

IdaClair Sun 21-Apr-13 16:20:16

Sorry about the moan and to everyone else having a tough time. I just don't understand what's stopping me. The baby is 8 months, I'm working, she eats, she takes a bottle, why not just switch.

But then I wonder how I would manage in the night, before realising I get up six times a night anyway and she is not a peaceful feeder so there is no cuddly laid down feeding, it's all screaming, fighting and kicking and relatching and pacing up and down. And then I wonder how it would affect our relationship, before realising she won't cuddle with me anyway because she always wants to feed but then we get into kicking screaming as above. Then I worry she wouldn't get enough fluid, she'll only take 2-3 from a bottle, I suspect she has less than that from the breast, she's already refused breast to the point of constipation and dehydration before. And then I worry about what people will think (I shouldn't but I do) like family members who think it is perverted to feed a baby past 6m or those who think it's not possible to bf a baby with teeth, and my mil who is waiting in the wings madly for me to put the baby on formula so she can have her 'properly'.

Is there really any good time to stop. Ever?

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