Please please help, my children are dictators

[Tinyminx]

I have very bright kids, 12 and 9. We've always had very open discussions and in lots of ways made a rod for my own back as they're vocal about stuff that I feel other kids aren't.

Anyhow, long story short I'm selling our house (single mum) to move in with their stepdad and his children. They all get along brilliantly, no acrimony at all. They were so excited.

They've just come back from holiday with their dad and they have said they're not moving. Don't want to live with my partner, his kids, don't want to leave schools and activities. I'm changing jobs and my daughter is kicking off (she's 9) cos I won't be picking her up from school.

I totally understand their feelings, but any other parent would just say this is what we're doing. Their dad is expecting me to just acede to their wishes, and he doesn't want them with him longer if they stay at present schools. He said I've not consulted him...but it's my life!

I am not explaining it right cos I'm so emotional. I always put my children first, but in 8 years they'll be off doing college etc and won't give me a second glance.

I'm doing everything for a better life for them. Their dad and I split because he's an alcoholic. Even now he won't pay for clothes and uniform for them but buys drink every night. I go without for them.

All I've ever done is put them first, love them. Include them in things. But now they are just expecting me to give up plans because they say so.

What do I do? How do other parents just up and move miles away (I'm not going that far) and just tell their kids?

[Astonway]

hi, your message caught my eye because my DS and DD are very bright, articulate and do not hesitate to share their views - but we have also always encouraged them to do just that and delight in it!
First it would be really helpful if you get a 'mindful' perspective on this - it is a little 'crisis' apparently precipitated by the stay with their Dad. What is the time scale - does anything have to be settled yet? If not you have that most useful of all gifts - time!
What would happen if you just ignored it for a week? I would discuss it with your YPs (young people) making sure that I had seeded relevant thoughts and issues so that they had time to consider and prepare and not feel caught out. If something new to them comes up that is effectively sprung on them then give them time and space to take it on board (as a parent you can seed thoughts and ideas by offering yours or others' experiences). Then have a discussion - no decision has to be made let alone imposed - it is just part of the process. Proper consideration of the alternatives is called for - find out actual information about the options and the pros and cons. They are both way off the exam years - in fact if they are academic they are in the doldrum years where school is at its most tedious! Mine wanted to be home educated for four years and went back to school in yr 10 and 7. School is not the be all and end all and you have plenty of room for manoeuvre. I suppose they need to understand your perspective - and children really have no experience of thinking ahead so you will have to describe the prospects for them. If they are sensitive then they can go off and ponder it and hopefully the discussion can continue. It will take more than one discussion as you will all need to ponder or 'sleep on it'. It would be worth perhaps getting them to explore their initial feelings of excitement?

However I have no relevant experience to the context of your new partner and that is bound to complicated this. My instinct would be to work on this with your children so that they feel empowered. Hope this helps!