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Ah, all them blogs. Sometimes (no, often!) they just get to me...(3 Posts)
Cinnamon Bunnies And Compassionate Constipation:TMJOOMH
by Ms Anonymous (because it has to be that way)
Entry 1. Today.
I am starting a blog – welcome, dear Reader, to the first entry of many. Oh, so many many. The reason for this major life event? Based on my ability to type questions like 'Is it normal for my three week old to sit up by herself and drink independently from a sippy-cup whilst scanning the newspaper?' into Google, it appeared the obvious thing to do, the natural way forward. Something you Do once you have had a baby. It is the next step in my evolution from mere woman to Woman. Note that capital, please. It is meaningful. (And for the record, that really happened. My DD is very advanced for her age.)
For now that I am truly Woman, I feel I have to share with you all I have learned. My expert opinions will be better than any gynaecologist or paediatrician or psychologist you shall encounter, as they have been crafted from real actual blood, sweat and tears (empowering) and real actual posset and poo (check out that humour, y'all!). Instinct, intuition, and a deep-rooted earthmotherliness that takes hold of only a special handful of us ones who have given birth will be more valuable to you than you could ever know, when you're crying over your keyboard at 2am looking for Answers. If I don't reach out my hand in the age-old tradition of Woman to Woman through a free Wordpress blog with a cute logo, I will have failed.
Not that I will have failed as a mother of course. Don't be ridiculous. I am that ultimate of Mothers who, when perusing my writings, you will envy for her endurance and laughter and insight; for her amusing faux pas and daring back-chat; for her loving herself just as she is with her unwashed hair and stretchmarks (I actually just have the one, way down near my panty-line, but I sympathise much with you, and recommend vitamin E oil mixed with homegrown kale juice – beforehand, obviously, not after, you foolish woman). I am a grand success, but still humble and willing enough to await your approval ticking away in visitor numbers at the bottom of the webpage, showing such love for the comments from desperates who overuse exclamation marks and cannot grasp basic grammar, saying lovely things like: 'O thank u Maisie!!!1! U hav saved my life I didnt know whot 2 do with my DD as she didnt sleep but now u hav saved my life!!!!!1' or 'Why does nuthing work with my ds 40wks? Tried curry g&t and jogging Pls help me Masiie cos I canot understand why he refuses to be bborn, u have many answers?' Bless.
So I've done some research, and there are only about 10.27million blogs and websites about having a baby. Can you believe it? Why not more people are writing about this vital topic I cannot fathom, but it is my duty to help grow the numbers. As you've no doubt seen, I've decided to call my blog 'Cinnamon Bunnies & Compassionate Constipation: The Magical Joys of Organic Motherhood', to emphasise my warmly funny, honest yet annoyingly condescending approach to caring ethically for myself, my baby and, of course, my needy and uneducated readership. In it, I will force on you everything you need to know about Motherhood, make some aptly snide and disparaging jokes about the role of fathers (not my own child's father of course, who is a real Father, and yes, you should feel jealous and insecure), and, even though my child is only 6months old (albeit already completing sudoko puzzles with a fountain pen at an endearingly alarming rate), will tell you how to deal effectively with potty-training and primary school tantrums, and illuminate for your benefit the severe problems of teenagers who board/do not board. (XXXX!!! decide which before publishing blog!!!XXX also we're out of milk and veet XXXX).
This is because my Knowledge has anticipated all possible child-related concerns you might have. This is because I am Research in itself, and all studies, peer-reviewed papers and medical professionals have nothing on my Experience. This is because the Stories told of my Offspring uniquely precede all those of yours. This is because you cannot possibly love your child as much as I do, and therefore will never reach that highest of rungs on the Motherhood ladder: being able to blog about it. Hear me Roar!
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