Why do other people think it doesn't matter

(13 Posts)
golds Tue 14-Jun-05 10:20:56

when you have lost a unborn and you have other children ?

As some of you know I have a dd 7 and ds 5, and 6 weeks ago suffered a ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully I am now doing very well physically but emotionally its been a bit of a rollercoaster, I think I have focused so much on getting better that my emtions have taken a back seat. Well they are starting to re-appear again now, and today I just feel so low, my family have been OK, but thought I was mad in the first place to be having No.3 they just don't understand what I am going through.

They keep making comments like 'oh well, time to go off and do something with your life now' and 'it wasn't meant to be'. I was low yesterday and my mum phoned and said 'oh whats wrong now !

I so desperately want other child and can't wait until I able to try, seeing consultant this Thursday to ask what my chances are etc etc...

Sorry to ramble, not expecting a response, just need to get this off me chest.

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Titania Tue 14-Jun-05 10:24:56

hun im sorry. i didnt know you had an ectopic. i found out that I had a miscarriage at the beginning of last week. when i had the scan, the first thing they said was 'oh well you can try again straight away if thats what you want, but seeing as you already have 3............' Its like you dont deserve to have a baby when you you already have children.

Email me if you like hun? Take care of yourself hun x x x

Miaou Tue 14-Jun-05 10:33:58

Golds, very for you. I've never lost an unborn, but I would never assume that it's an easy thing to get over, and know that for some it has the same impact as losing a full-term child. What a shame that your family cannot be more supportive to you. Does your dh understand how you feel?

((((hugs))))) and lots of luck for your consultant appointment.

golds Tue 14-Jun-05 10:36:42

Although not expecting a response, so glad you did, I am so sorry about your loss too

I keep re-living that day as if it was yesterday, I would have been 14 weeks now, I thought I was doing really well, but that happy smiling face is all front. I suppose I can't blame my family when all they see is someone who look well. I think they were so shocked at the horrific nature of events they are just happy to have me here and haven't given baby a second thought.

All I can do now I suppose is wait until Thursday to see what the consultant says and take it from there.

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pinkmama Tue 14-Jun-05 10:41:57

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage golds. I miscarried at 9 weeks between dd and ds. It was horrible and I was devastated, as was dh. I had a friend who had had 8 miscarriages, so she was very supportive of me, but I did feel that with others it was just like you say, oh well, you can try again. My MIL has on a couple of occassions told me about people who have lost babies at 12 weeks and says to me it was horrible for them, at least at 9 its only like having a period! How she knows that I just dont know, but it always shocks me when she says it so I can never challenge her. it wasnt like a period, physically or emotionally. Interestingly DH probably took it worse than I did, maybe because at teh time he felt he had to be strong for me, and he got absolutely no support from anyone.

In answer to your question, because I realise I am now rambling, I dont know, maybe I was as dismissive before I experienced it, but it is hard, and I am so sorry you are suffering. I wish you luck with conceiving, and hope the consultant can give you some positive news.

MINNIE1 Tue 14-Jun-05 11:53:20

So sorry to hear of your loss, I really think the only way i got through the hard times when i was down and feeling horrible was mumsnet. You can tell people how your feeling and someone understands your pain.
The way your feeling now is normal, like everyone has forgotten you m/c and yet its feels so raw to you. I know i was feeling like this and i felt this really got to me. Now granted my sisters talk about it to me all the time and i dont mind that, but DP family different story!!! I should have been over it when i came home from the hospital kind of thing!!
You have two wonderfull kids now but you have lost a baby and you need to greive, If you feel down have a good cry, If you need a hug ask for one, and most of all if you want to start trying again but your family thinks its wrong, forget about them and do whats right for you and your family.
There is a brill thread over in the TTC for people how have M/C and trying again, I found it a great help.
Wishing you all the best golds.


lucysmum Tue 14-Jun-05 12:10:59

Golds - I sympathise I have two DDs and had a pretty dramatic miscarriage about 4 weeks ago (emergency op, ended up in hospital for a couple of days, blood transfusion etc). I would have been about 14 weeks now as well. The physical side of was of most concern for a bit, then I went on holiday and the emotional side only hit when I went back to work a couple of weeks ago after the holiday. What has helped me is seeing a fantastic HV a couple of times to talk things through and I find she is much more objective than friends and family (but also v sympathetic). It has really helped me work out my priorities and what it was about the miscarriage that was getting me down. She has also suggested seeing the dr for ADs if things continue but I don't feel I am at that stage, just that I have a life event that I am working through.

LunarSea Tue 14-Jun-05 12:17:22

golds - I think people who haven't been through it don't really understand how it hits you, especially if it's physically traumatic like yours (and mine, 3 weeks ago now, come to that - not so much a case of discovering it at a scan, but a sudden, instant, bloodbath which left me hospitalised).

I had a phone call yesterday from a friend I hadn't seen for a while, who hadn't known I was PG, and she'd been asked yesterday by another mutual friend if she knew I was pg? So she ran to congratulate..... only the other friend knew about the m/c and hadn't bothered to mention it. I can only think that as I know she conceived both of her two in the first month of trying then to her it would just be a case of "never mind, try again" - whereas to us when nearly 7 years of TTC has only given us one baby and 2 m/c's it's much more of an issue, as this could well prove to have been our last chance.

jangus Tue 14-Jun-05 14:26:21

Golds, I'm so sorry you suffered an ectopic pg, it must be very hard on you and your family. I especially think that it must be tougher when you have other children because you don't have the opportunity to roll into a ball and let the world pass you by as you grieve, you have to keep going.

It seems to me that when people don't know what to say they open their mouths anyway just to see what will spill out.
We found that at the time we lost Lilli-Mae people patted us on the back and either said "well sure you are young" or they said "sure you can have others" (what?????).
I know that they didn't mean to be cruel, but I was so hurt by their comments
When you lose a child or an unborn you are trying to get your head around the fact that they have gone and you will not ever get them back on this earth again.

As for people who say "it wasn't meant to be", I want to give them a smack in the mouth.

I hope you feel better for getting this off your chest. I hope things go well for you at the consultant on Thursday, maybe you will come out feeling more positive.

Much love XxX jangus

golds Tue 14-Jun-05 16:36:50

Thank you all for responding, I really do appreciate it. So tired today, been doing too much crying.

Unfortunately for me (and my big mouth) lots of people knew I was PG so having to explain time and time again what happended is draining, I still look PG as the op made my stomach swollen, my skin is deadful due to all the hormones racing around in my body so I not only feel dreadful I look a complete wreck (my opinion) I feel like rounding up all the people in the playground with a tanoy (sp?) and telling them all in one go.

Sorry to waffle

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Tommy Tue 14-Jun-05 17:06:22

Golds - so sorry to hear this. I had a miscarriage 9 weeks ago and I had lots of people saying similar things to me. I found that nothing anyone could say could make me feel any better (unless of course someone had said that it was all a mistake and I was still pregnant). I genuinely think that people say those things because they want to say something "to help" although only people who have been through it know that it won't. Hope that makes sense - can't tell you how sorry I am to hear of your loss.

Mirage Tue 14-Jun-05 22:02:39

golds,I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.I found that people didn't understand what an ectopic pregnancy was & the implications involved.It is not surprising that you are feeling down,I still have moments of sadness for my ectopic baby,despite having 2 beautiful,healthy dd's after my loss.

Some one once said to me,'When you lose a family member,you lose part of your past,when you lose a baby,no matter at what stage,you lose part of your future'.I never forgot that.

Good luck for Thursday,I'll be off line,but will keep everything crossed for you.

golds Thu 16-Jun-05 14:28:43

Just thought I would give you an update -

Many thanks for all your responses, I have been to the hospital today and saw my consultants registrar.

I was told that they looked at my right ovary and tube when removing the left and everything look healthy, they don't know what caused the ectopic but could almost definately say that I have probably had this 'problem' for a long time so would therefore presume that dd & ds came from my right side.

I can start trying again, there is no reason why I can't conceive, but suggested I wait 3 cycles.

Also, apparantly when they sent off the tissue for diagnosis, it would appear that the baby died around 4/5 weeks and the cause of the rupture was down to placental (sp?) tissue growth and blood clots. Although weird to say, I found a little comfort knowing that wherever the baby had of been it would not have made it. I was under the impression at the beginning that there was a fit and health PG trying to survive and it was my faulty bits that harmed it.

She said that I could make a complaint if I wanted too about various things including the ward taking out my staples too soon and my wound re-opening, but I don't want to get into that, so am not doing anything about it. She was impressed with my healing physically and discharged me.

All I can do now is look ahead, which is what I intend to 'try' and do, thank you so much for your kind words and support, know doubt there will be many days when I feel low, but hopefully the better days will become more often, right here, right now all I feel is excitement at the fact that I appear healthy internally to try again. Much love x

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