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Not going to your brother's funeral seems a bit weird even if you didn't get on.

(19 Posts)
thirtypence Thu 24-Sep-09 01:04:59

Dad is not going to his brother's funeral. Now while he would never win brother of the year award and they did have a huge difference of opinion about their mother's care and money(my grandma is still alive) I find it strange he isn't going to the funeral at least for her sake.

My mum says that they will say dad is ill. But given that my uncle is dead I doubt that will illicit much sympathy.

I understand that nobody wants to be a hypocrite - but I'm not sure that lying to your aged mother quite elevates him out of hypocrite status.

I don't think my mum has given my dad much of a say about it "we are not going". I know dad won't want to take her because she will be rude and evil. But I don't get why he can't make up his own mind about whether he goes alone. He is a grown adult.

Families are weird.

choosyfloosy Thu 24-Sep-09 01:16:53

Weird is not the word. I'd really judge this, though bad idea to do so obviously. I'd agree if they don't want your grandma to feel bad, turning up would be helpful. it must be horrible for her.

i missed a family funeral a few months ago (not a sibling though) and feel terrible about it. it was sheer disorganisation and lack of childcare in my case but funerals really matter and i should have got my act together.

Mummy369 Thu 24-Sep-09 01:20:37

I agree - families ARE weird. Last year I flew out to Israel to attend my youngest brother's wedding. I went with my oldest brother and my 3 small children, my husband following a week later because of work commitments. B1 and I had already spent several weeks and loads of phone calls trying to persuade our Dad to attend the wedding.

The reason he wouldn't?

He couldn't agree with B2's Mum as to how many guests HE could invite to the wedding - so B2 ended up with no Dad or any other Israeli relatives or friends on Dad's side of the family. His Mum, Uncles from the States, B1, me and my family from England - all there!!

solo Thu 24-Sep-09 01:30:05

Weird family here too...My Dad died 5 weeks ago and his funeral was almost 3 weeks later. We coudn't tell two of his sisters until after the funeral was over that Dad had died because they(one more than the other)would have turned up and caused trouble(understatement of the millenium).

thirtypence Thu 24-Sep-09 01:34:56

At least dad got told, solo that's awful - fancy being thought so little of by your family that people keep it from you your brother has died for nearly a month.

I would imagine if you make it into your 90s then you will assume you will die before your children.

Hopefully they will go and see my grandma on her own a couple of days later (when dad is "better").

Tortington Thu 24-Sep-09 01:46:42

more out of respect for the living than the dead.

i think he should go - but families are v. weird.

thumbwitch Thu 24-Sep-09 02:22:44

thirtypence - look at it from the other side - imagine thinking so little of your family that you would bring up old scores and cause a public scene at your brother's funeral - what level of respect is there for your brother and his family there?

You shouldn't judge someone in this situation without knowing the full score, imo. Especially when they have recently been bereaved as well.

If your Dad wants to go then he should make a stand and go - but he might just be hiding behind your mum and using her as a good reason not to go because he really doesn't want to himself. I think it is sad for your G'ma though.

thirtypence Thu 24-Sep-09 10:03:41

All good points thumbwitch. I have no idea what went down with my family. Years and years of sibling rivalry. Mad.

Deemented Fri 25-Sep-09 12:23:47

My Aunt and Uncle (siblings of ten children) didn't go to their own mothers funeral, due to a difference of opinion over where she should be buried. They also never came to their sisters funeral (my mum) because of this.

It's sad really, and i know they feel immense guilt.

cyteen Fri 25-Sep-09 12:34:56

All situations are different. I didn't go to my grandad's funeral and I'm perfectly happy about it. So is my dad, his only son. The old bastard didn't deserve my respect, and he didn't get it.

thumbwitch Sat 26-Sep-09 02:21:16

A friend of mine wasn't sure whether or not to go to her Dad's funeral - she hadn't really seen him for years, didn't get on with him after and because he left her mum (I don't know the full ins and outs of that at all).

Anyway, she asked around her friends and in general we suggested that she might regret NOT going more than if she did go, because she would never get that chance again. And if she went, and things with her Dad's side of the family got iffy, she could always leave immediately. She didn't have any respect for him either, and hadn't any real feelings of sadness - but in the end she went briefly and came away before it had the chance to get messy.

But as cyteen said - all situations are different and she has no regrets.

In the end it's what you can live with afterwards that really matters - a potential lifetime of guilt versus one day of annoyance/pain. Maybe your Dad should think about that, OP.

mumoverseas Sat 26-Sep-09 06:26:22

I wouldn't go to my brother's funeral. We fell out a few years ago (he is much older than me) and he was acting like a child.
Our mum died earlier this year and a few days before the funeral he sent a really malicious email to my DH instructing him to tell me not to look at him, talk to him or make any form of eye contact with him at the funeral and that 'me and mine' were to have nothing to do with 'him and his'. DH simply replied that we do not have the type of relationship that he tells me what to do.

My brother refused to even attend a family 'do' we had the day before mum's funeral where family from all over the country (and out of it) were gathered to talk about mum, look at photos etc and at the funeral basically acted like a 3 year old as opposed to a 53 year old. It would have broken mum's heart to know he couldn't put his childishness aside for one day.

His wife (who is lovely but just has bad taste in men) and his son who is the same age as mine ignored his rules and spoke to us at the wake and were shouted at for that.

We later found out that he'd 'bullied' mum into changing her will a few years ago and he'd 'persuaded' her to give him large sums of cash, £50k plus.
Vile little prick my DH refers to him as and I tend to agree.
After the way he behaved at mum's funeral I never want to see him or have anything to do with him again. No doubt I'll get flammed for that but his behaviour sickened me.

girlsyearapart Sat 26-Sep-09 06:39:03

mumoverseas- yes I don't blame you but if he did die you would be supporting his wife and family by being at the funeral not him.

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who has a family full of secrets.

Both my parents have hardly ever spoken about their pasts.

Found out recently that my Dad had a brother who was at least a teenager when he died but Dad won't speak about it at all.

Any questions get the answer 'It'll all be in my book' He's not writing one..

fin54 Sat 26-Sep-09 09:58:45

My dad died over twenty years ago and I didn’t go to his funeral, I have never once regretted not going, he was an abusive bully and never was a father while alive so why mourn for him when he died

thedollshouse Sat 26-Sep-09 10:01:34

Your dad has a duty to go. He should be there to support his mother. I think if I were you I would have a word with your mum and dad.

solo Sat 26-Sep-09 10:11:52

Thirtypence, as Thumbwitch says, you cannot judge someone elses reasons here.
My Mum suffered more than 46 years of abuse from these women.
Mum asked the younger one if she'd care to visit Dad in his final weeks and Dad asked his sister to promise him that she wouldn't tell the other(worse)sister, which she did promise him.
We made her welcome, I made her lunch and I drove her home(she has Parkinsons)after more than 5 hours...I even got some items of shopping for her at Dads requesthmm.
During the visit, she told my Dad that she'd take him home and look after him better(than my Mum), that she'd get him an operation to make him well...terminal cancer! you get the picture? This was all in front of my Mum in my Mums own home! such is the level of disrespect.
Anyway, when I took her home I was invited into her house and the smell alone was foul, but the sight of her sick husband would tell anyone that she couldn't have cared for anyone properly.

It seems that the first thing she did when I left was phone the other sister, who then phoned the other surviving brother whom my Dad was extremely close to and she accused my Mum of starving my Dad to death, having the window wide open with only a thin sheet over him(remember how hot it was at the beginning of August in the south of England?).

The decision not to tell the sisters was a decision that was made between Mum, myself, my brother, Dad's brother and his wife and their son(who does a lot of the care of the elder of the sister and we told everyone that the cousin knew nothing of Dads death, that way, he wouldn't get it in the neck from aunt and she couldn't demand that he drive her to the funeral)that the sisters would be told the day after the funeral because they would cause trouble(there are other factors that I wont go into, but they are even worse than the above). These are not nice women. My brother and I phoned the sisters at exactly the same time to break the news ~ that way, there could be no way that one could phone the other and one couldn't say that they were told after the other iyswim.
Two days after Dads funeral, my brother and I took the funeral flowers to the younger aunt to show her...Mum doesn't know this and I asked aunt not to mention it to anyone. I took two of the order of mass booklets with Dads photo on and some beautiful song words on for them...she could post one to the other sister. Soooo...other sister gets the booklet and immediately phones Uncle's wife and guess what she said?!!! 'There was no mention of me in it' shock can you believe it? Other aunt who happens to be my godmother phones my Mum(I could hear Mum talking to her and I was scared stiff that she was telling Mum we'd been over to see her with flowers and booklet etc)and she tells Mum that she wants nothing to do with Mums family ever again.

It is sad, but it is also a relief.

My Dad was born in India and from a(once)wealthy and highly respected family. Dad came to England in 1962 and met and married my relatively poor Mum. In other words, Dad married below himself and that was the start of the hate campaign.

That is why they were not told for 3 weeks Thirtypence.

DrNortherner Sun 27-Sep-09 21:42:41

My Dad died in April, his brother (My Uncle) did not go to his funeral.

For that reason alone I will never forgive him.

LoveBeingAMummy Tue 06-Oct-09 08:43:13

It was my uncle's funnel yesterday and one of his siblings did not attend. I do not judge as it is their choice of how to deal with it.

BobbyG56 Tue 30-Jan-18 20:01:03

I know it’s been ages since the last post on this, but I just have to say that I have decided not to attend my parents double funeral. It is a long and unhappy story, but basically my only other family member- younger sister has caused me so much unhappiness that I just can’t face it.
She and her husband basically excluded me and my family from having any contact with my elderly and ill parents and anything to do with their deaths ( 3 weeks apart) My sister and mother are/ were made of the same genetic strand. Both Narcisstic and controlling.
My poor old Dad was lovely. It took me three weeks after he died to finally arrange to say a final goodbye to him in the chapel of rest due to my sister and mother refusing to give permission. Ironic then that my mother died that same day.
My last visit to my Mother was via permission of my sister and supervised by a carer. The 40 minute rant of unjust and unfair abuse from my mother to me was probably something she didn’t want to witness, but something my sister probably enjoyed hearing about.
So don’t judge when significant others don’t attend funerals. They likely have a very good reason. Grieving and loss will affect us all at sometime. Some of us have more to grieve than others due to the loss of any kindness or support from those that are supposed to.
My parents should have had two daughters and their families at their funeral who are united. Instead they will have the one who feels and no doubt declares she is the most entitled while the other retains prefers to grieve in quiet and private dignity.

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