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Saw dads doctors to talk about dads case - feel guilty for not calling 999 earlier

(6 Posts)
anastasia74 Sat 22-Aug-09 09:15:24

Went to see dads doctor yesterday. To talk about what went wrong and what caused his death..

Feel so guilty now for not realising dad was so very ill the day after he came out of hospital and didnt stop the night to keep an eye on him with my mum. He just kept saying he was ok.

He would not get showered or dressed - just sat in in pajamas. In a sort of depressed state - which we thought was normal after his major op, he only just got home from hospital on the saturday. Why did'nt he tell us he felt so ill the next day.

He just sat and waited all through the night suffering. Getting my mum to ring his doctor the next morning. I feel so mad at him for being so foolish. By the time his doctor got there he could hardly find a pulse.

When I rang first thing in the morning to see how he was. All I got was - he thinks he needs oxygen, he's feeling breathless.

I'm so mad at myself for not being there and mad at him for being so stubborn. He did'nt give himself a chance.

Seeing the doctor has raked it all up again.
Before seeing doctor believed that dad did'nt have any chance of recovering from his condition.

But now know that if he had got there earlier - he could still be here with now.

Has anyone else had these feelings of guilt over there parents death?

TheOnlyDailyMaleForMeisDH Sat 22-Aug-09 14:30:54

Oh you poor thing - you are not responsible for this - if you had stayed, even if you'd have got him to go to hospital immediately, he would probably still have died. It was his time and sometimes there is just nothing to be done.

He was obviously a very honourable man to patiently wait and not want to worry people. Daft, but lovely.

What did the doctor say was the cause of death in the end? I'm sorry I don't know if you've posted on this before - most people I've known who've died have just slipped away like this, mostly early in the morning.

After a death, everyone feels guilty - we all think 'well maybe I could have done something but it's extremely unlikely whatever you did would have stopped him dying. And isn't it better he died at home than in a hospital side room?

Onlyjoking Sat 22-Aug-09 20:04:05

when someone dies we always try to find things that we think we did wrong, it is part of the process the whats ifs.
i think its more about wanting a different outcome so we thing that we could have/should have done something different, you will work throu this stage, be kind to yourself for you are grieving.
i am sorry your dad died.

anastasia74 Sun 23-Aug-09 10:40:06

Thanks for your comments, he had a bowel problem (slow bowel) which was caused by his operation. which led to pneumonia which caused his death in hospital a week later.

Yes, I thought I'd worked through all this in my head and come to accept what happened But seeing his heart doctor who did his operation has stirred it all up again.

cornsillk Sun 23-Aug-09 10:45:28

Sorry about your dad. Don't blame yourself at all. You (or your mum) could have had no idea how ill your dad was and would certainly have called someone if you had.

anastasia74 Sun 23-Aug-09 19:44:18

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Its strange that when people are so full of vitality, them dying seems so hard to believe.

How can a body that is so alive in every way one moment be so close to death the next.

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