Having flash backs to Dads final stage of cancer, can't stop the images

[drivinmecrazy]

It is almost a year since my Dad entered his final stage of cancer. Next week will be a year since he became fully paralised due to tumours spreading suddenly to his spine. He finally died in july.
I can't get rid of the images of him lying in his bed at home. It feels like it's all consuming and I can't get the slightest thing done without thinking of him.
I have tried so hard this year to remember all the wonderful times we had with him during his four year battle with cancer, but all I can think of now is how it all ended. It's like having flashbacks, recalling sights, smells and sounds of that time in complete clarity as if it's still happening, over and over again.
How can I push these horribly, traumatic memories away? I want the good memories back.
Feel as if I am going to be reliving it all until July, even music is taking me right back to the time and place where I don't want to be

[janestillhere]

Sorry I have no words of advice, but I am the same.
I keep dwelling on the final two days of my mums life when her lungs filled with fluid and she couldn't breathe.
It was horrific and I did nurse training! You'd have thought I would have been abit prepared but I think when it's your loved one, it's too much.
I feel for you, lets hope when time goes on, the images fade somewhat. xxxx

[drivinmecrazy]

Thanks, Janestillhere. It feels like such a waste of emotion, when I have tried so hard to look back positively and remember the wonderful times. I feel exhausted with all the bad memories, going through it the first time was traumatic enough, just want to stop re-living the whole thing all day.

[travellingwilbury]

I am so sorry to hear how much you are suffering with this .
I also suffered flashbacks for a long time after my son died , I used to relive the final day all the time and the images just wouldn't go . All I ever wanted was to remember my boy with a smile .

I think when something so awful happens to you , your brain just can't accept it and keeps replaying until it sinks in .

I did have councelling and I do think this helped me to move on from those days and I can now think of him without having to relive those times . Sometimes it will still come and bite me on the backside but on the whole it is the good memories that fill my head .

Have you spoken to anyone about how you are feeling ? I know the first year is so hard to get through and you should take any help you can to try and make it even a wee bit easier for you .

[drivinmecrazy]

Think it is really getting to me this week more than others because my old family home has been sold and new owners are moving in on Thursday. House is next to ours, and it's where my dad spent his final weeks. Mum is having no trouble getting on with her life. She's moved to their house in Spain and hasn't looked back. Makes me so sad to see a new family moving in and the world moving on.
Am going out all Thursday so I don't have to see them moving in

[Sunshinemummy]

drivinmecrazy my mum died 20 years ago from a brain tumour and one thing I had said to my family was I didn't want to see her dead. Unfortunately because I was only 18 my dad thought he knew better and called me in after she'd gone to see her lying on the couch. For a long time, I couldn't remember my mum any other way but how she looked then.

All I can tell you is that it does get better with time. These days I can still picture her lying there but more often the memories that come are of us laughing, talking or her smiling.

Counselling helped me immensely too. I needed to talk about her and none of my friends would let me in case I started crying, which was actually exactly what I needed.

Hope this helps.

[babypringle]

My dad died of terminal cancer in August 07. When he was diagnosed I imagined tearful deathbed scenes where we said nice things to each other and that at some point dad would find peace and acceptance. The reality was gritty, dirty, terrifying and out of control. For me it took about eighteen months to really move on. The first year was full of times when I thought 'its exactly a year ago that he got the diagnosis/ six months since x' etc. But in time as janestillhere said, the images do fade and daily life is easier. Try not to expect too much of yourself for the next few months.

[drivinmecrazy]

Thank you so much for your replies. it really helps to know I'm not going mad. I guess it's just all part of the process.

[Sunshinemummy]

It's definitely part of the process. For me I didn't start to feel better for three years, which is the point where I started the counselling.

[Hammy01]

Hi
My FIL died 25th Feb this yr from aggressive lung cancer that had spread everywhere in a matter of weeks. He died part of the cancer and part from the huge stroke that he had 3 weeks before passing away.
Like Janestillhere, his lungs filled with fluid in the last few days. We nursed him at home and to watch our lovely lovely William effectively 'drown' was bloody awful.
Could you see your GP for referral to counselling?
I guess it is all part of the healing process but its so hard getting through some of the hard days.
Sending you a hug

[onlyjoking9329]

i think it is all part of the process of trying to make sense of it all.
my husband died 11 months ago from a brain tumour, i nursed him throughout and was with him when he died and i still cant remove the images of him dying and the last time i saw him at the funeral place, i guess there must be a reason why we keep these images.

[mulranno]

I lost my Mum a few months back to aggressive ovarian cancer. I think what we go thru is post traumatic stress -- I have faught hard to get the death face out of my head...it was not her it was animalistic...she looked like the halloween scream mask...that has started to fade but I am aware that I am also starting back on the run up to the first anniversary...ie first time she got sick, first hosp appt, first scan results etc. then all of the hectic hideous hosital stuff ...there were so many procedures, interventions etc over a short space of time. Maybe the flashbacks are consolidating, sorting accepting the horror of what you saw and experienced when the were alive before you can start to take on board the reality that they are not there anymore...Be kind to yourself, take it easy, cry, weep and reach out for comfort

[drivinmecrazy]

Having a horrid day today. New people have just moved into Mum and Dads house next door, where he died last year. Feels as if I am not only mourning him but the loss of the home where so many memories associated with him.
Feels as if the whole thing has hit me with full force, more than at any other time over the past 9 months.
Think I have spent most of this week behind a cloud of tears, even cried all the way back from picking up DD2 from nursery.
I just want to pull myself out of this horrid state but can't.
I think it hurts more now than it did when he died. Feel so weak and feeble.
The house next door has been empty since Mum went to Spain last December, and now hearing movement just reminds me of him pottering around. I have to remind myself it's not him in there.