no need to reply, just need to get some things out

[tots2ten]

This time last year, we were trying to convice my mum that there was nothing wrong with her. And yet we spent weeks going back and fore the gp's, going for blood tests. The doctor couldnt find nothing wrong with her. She was given anti-biotics after anti-biotics, given steriod as they thought she had post viral fatigue.

We convinced her to get dressed, go out, all the time she didnt want too as she didnt feel well. and yet we pushed, all of us. Even got my mums sister to 'talk' to her about her 'pretend' illness and that she needed to get out of the house.

And yet my mum had lung cancer, we didnt find out until August, she really was ill, and yet no-one not one of us believed her to begin with. Looking back all the symptoms were there, just not all together when she saw the doctor, but always the same complaint that she had. nothing was done.

I feel so guilty i didnt believe her, i should of, she knew she was ill and yet had everyone trying to tell her she wasn't.

I cant tell her how sorry i am for not believing her, even when she finally had her diagnoses, i never said sorry for not believing her.

I took my mum for her chemotherapy appointments, watched her get weaker and weaker. Took her for radiotherapy. took her to all her oncologist appointments.

I have been thinking back to the last week of her life, and trying to think if there was anything that i could of done differently. Things i should of said, when i had the chance, and yet there was normally silence, we just sat there, no-body spoke about anything.

[SallyJayGorce]

When did she die Tots? I lost my Dad to lung cancer. Shite isn't it? Do you have friends whose parents have died? Hardly anyone thinks they got it right. Watching someone you love dying is incredibly hard - sometimes it make people feel sort of frozen. Maybe that's why no-one spoke much? Were you normally a chatty bunch?

[tots2ten]

She died the 20th march. she was 56. i dont have friends who lost parents. its really shite,

Normally we would talk, about anything. I miss phoning her to moan about the dcs fighting or what dd3 has now discovered. we stopped talking about the dc's the week we were told that she didnt have long left,

mum wouldnt talk about her illness, it was only the 15th march we talked about the reason she was coming home, there was no more that they could do for her, so i wanted to take her home everything was arranged (with her consent) and yet she didnt realise why she was coming home.

She asked me why i wanted her home so quickly, was it because she was dying. I had to answer that, my dad wouldnt/didnt listen when we were spoken to by her oncologist. so as far as he was concerned she was fine.

[Gorionine]

It must be very hard for you to have all these feeling that never got out.

We had a situaton in our family (very different to yours) but where as well, a lot of things had been left unsaid because too painful to talk about.

Finaly, a letter was written by the person who needed all these feelings to come out to the person it was to late to talk with. I remember that she told me a wheight had been lifted from her shoulders after getting it all out. Maybe you could write a letter to your mother that will tell her how sorry you feel and how much you regret not having made the most of the time you had together, especially the last moments when you knew you had things to tell her but still did not.

I know it won't be the same as actually having ever a chance to talk to her but it will be good for you. In some families (like mine) things are just not said. It is not because there is no love, it is just because a generation or 2 ago people would just "get on" with things and keep sentimentsand feelings of any sort (love, resentement) tightly bottled up.

You are now feeling it is time to open up and think you should do so.

[Hammy01]

Hi Tots2ten

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. However you should not blame yourself for trying to motivate your mum to enjoy life when she was feeling under the weather prior to her diagnosis.
My fatherinlaw had felt off colour for about 6 months last year, from about May time he had complained of a sore throat and aching shoulder.
In November after numerous visits to docs and antibiotics later, they referred him for a chest x-ray.
Dec 23rd he was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer that had spread to his lymph, bones and various tumours around his oesophagus.
He had a 1 lot of chemo which made him so ill for a week that they had to rehydrate him for 24 hours (despite us calling doc out previously) in hospital. The day after his rehydration he was up and about, playing with my children, laughing, joking, eating...it was lovely. That evening, he was talking to my mil about what a lovely day he'd had and he suffered a huge stroke, which left him unable to talk, move-he was bedridden.
This resulted in him being in hospital for 2 weeks, further brain cancer diagnosis and then home for 9 days, where he died. Diagnosis to death in 8 weeks, he was 68. That was 8 weeks ago, 25th Feb.
I like you, spend a lot of time thinking 'If onlys' but we have to take comfort in the fact that when they were with us, we had some wonderful times, they knew we loved them.
Before my FIL was diagnosed we were always 'come on get ur bum off the couch and stop sleeping, ur ok' kinda thing when in fact he was dying.
But all the time he could get up he did, we motivated him to enjoy life while he was still able to, well as much as possible.
If he felt really poorly then of course we would leave him.
Don't get lost in blaming yourself for things that were not in your control.
As hard as it is, try to focus on the good memories not on a life without them.
I feel privaleged to have been part of my fil life, I loved him like a dad and I'm crying as I miss him so bloody much it physically aches and hurts.
I don't know if my rambling has helped you, but should u need to talk further I'll give u my personal email.
Take care and look after yourself x x

[tots2ten]

Thank you for your messages. It has helped writing down how i feel, i cant talk about it as i start crying.

altogether my mum had been 'not right' for 10mths before, i had enough and asked our gp if he was waiting for her to drop dead before he did anything. thats when he sent her for xrays, more bloods, and yet they sent her home from the hospital saying there was nothing wrong, but 2 weeks later phoned her at home to ask her to come in for more tests as they found a shadow on her lung. from her diagnoses to the day she died was 8mths.

[SallyJayGorce]

My dad died when I was 25 and we nursed him at home too for the last couple of weeks. And my best friend two months later - also cancer. I think you take your lead from the person who is dying, out of love and respect. My dad talked a lot (his mum's nickname for him was 'the talker') so he made it easy for us to talk too - even joking about how to sneak his body onto a cross channel ferry so he could be buried at sea (he'd seen sea burials when he did his national service and thought they were incredibly peaceful.) But if your Mum wouldn't talk about it maybe that was her way of coping and you let her do that.

My SIL has an incurable brain tumor and her DH wants to talk about all the fear he feels and asked her to talk about that too - but she really doesn't want to. She said she's not in denial but she copes with this differently and he needs to allow her that - so he goes to a good counsellor who helps him get things off his chest without upsetting my SIL. Maybe you could do that if there is no-one you can talk too. MN people are very supportive and kind but sometimes a sympathetic human voice and a warm hand on your shoulder mean everything.

How is your Dad? If he wanted everything to be fine this must be shocking for him. Maybe you could encourage him to talk to you. Sometimes a relationship changes in surprising ways after a death. You might end up having him on the phone to talk to about the dcs - after some time.

I have been through this sort of thing in different ways lots of times now - my mum three years ago and other close family including both parents in law - all in the last three years. Sometimes other people's experiences are helpful and you want to hear - other times you might want them to shut up because the grief you feel is all your own and who the hell could ever understand your pain? You'll go through all kinds of chaotic feelings.

A book I have found helpful is called 'You'll Get Over It' by Virginia Ironside. It doesn't prescribe the 'stages of grief' or any of that but describes lots of different feeling very well.

I talked to my mum every day too and miss her like mad. I miss my dad too and he died 13 years ago - we are a very close family. But the family your mum was part of goes on and her legacy in alive in the world.

Am happy to talk more if you like. Take care of yourself.

[tots2ten]

Thank you, sallyjaygorce, I will get that book.

My dad is quiet, and its horrible, one word i would never have used to describe my dad would've been quiet.

[SallyJayGorce]

Poor sod. It is such early days. I remember when my Dad died thinking I would never really laugh again but time moves you on and you do. If your Dad isn't normally a quiet bloke he will probably emerge but these days will be like a terrible dream I imagine. I don't think you or your Dad will ever 'get used to it' and the first year is very tough, birthdays, Christmas etc. But you will feel the hole left in your family less keenly less often even if some days it's just as bad as now.

It might be that looking at that book will help your Dad too. Or that trying to help your Dad might help you too. But don't feel rejected if he doesn't seem to be responding for a while. Knowing you are there will help even if he can't say anything yet.

How old are your children? Are they close to your Dad?

A couple of poems helped me too - mainly reading them let me have a big cry which I had sort of put off all the time to look after the children (DS was 4 months when Mum died so was kept busy but time to myself would have been welcome sometimes - just to do a bit of howling and think of MY loss and not how it affected anyone else.)

We do talk about all our parents all the time and our children talk about Dad as if they knew him even though he died before they were born. They have a strong sense of family from living relationships, photos around the house and lots of talk about good memories. I wish my children had grandparents to cuddle them but although they are not here in body they are certainly still very much part of our family and are constantly included in chat.

But as I said, such early days for you all so be gentle with each other and keeping trying. Life will come back, just in a different shape. x

Hammy01 - sorry for you too. Horrible times.

By the way Tots - not sure from your OP if a bit of you is wondering whether you all not believing she was ill and not urging her to get treatment sooner might have hastened her death. Just in case that has crossed your mind it is a sad fact that lung cancer is very rarely treatable and survival rates are tiny compared to some other cancers. It is hardly ever cured however early it is found so earlier treatment is unlikely to have made any difference to a crap outcome in this particular form of the disease. And you were focussing on getting her to enjoy life - that is a great attitude and one which might help you now. Don't feel bad about wanting your mum to be well and live life. Is there a place you can go to talk to her or to someone else if that's not your way?

[JackBauer]

Tots If the (many) doctors and health professionals your mum saw couldn't find anything then you must see that there was nothing more you could have done. I rememebr when you told me about seeing the doc and demanding they do something and it is down to you being tenacious, and fighting for your mum to get the best care/treatment she can that she was diagnosed and was treating as well as she could be.

Sallyjay made a good point about lungcancer beign hard to spot adn to treat. A friedn of mine in NI went through nearly the exact same thing with her dad, they had 6 or 7 months from diagnosis. It's utterly shit.

I can't imagine what you are going through now but I can understand that now day to day life is back that it must all be feeling veyr strange, especially after Tuesday.

I can understand if you don't wan tot talk about this in RL but I am here shoudl you ever need to.

[tots2ten]

hiya jack, Thanks. Just wished i listened to her when she did say she was unwell, and yet we pushed for her to get out of the house, because the docs said there was nothing wrong.

It is utterly shit and today was the first time that dd3 asked for grandma, the phone was ringing, and she got all excited and was shouting 'granma phone, granma phone'

Its really odd not having anywhere to go, or anyone to have to phone. i called into the garden of rest this morning on my way home from the school, just to make sure everything was ok.

[JackBauer]

But you ahd no way of knowing that there was anything actually wrong. Please rememerb that. You were all told, repeatedly, that she was fine and it was nothing. And you did question them, which is why it got diagnosed.
Also (and I mean this is the kindest possible way) getting her out of the house and carrying on with stuff will not have made her worse.

Poor you with dd3. Altho my DD1 was asking after her. All I had before bed was 'I went for a walk with B and A and they had bikes and I ran and then I saw J and then we played hide and seek and then B found me and then we played some more. But I think M was sleeping as I didn't see her.'

[JackBauer]

I missed Hammy's post as well, all good advice to show you you are nto alone in this.
Good idea going to garden of rest, why shouldn't you pop down there whenever you want to talk/be with her?

[tots2ten]

I know your right, but... i dont know, there are so many 'ifs' 'buts' 'should of done' 'what if' they run round and round.

im waiting for the cpn to ring back with a appointment for councilling (sp) because i have refused to take the a/d's.

B fell off her bike just after you went in, the numpty was doing crazy riding (like you do) and lost control, the bike went one way she went the other. M saw your dd's through the window, and for bed we had 'go to N's house, please?'

[Hammy01]

Hi tots2ten

My 26 month old son says 'Grandad in the sky, grandad asleep - he's in the stars'
now bless him.
And when we used to walk the dog we used to see a lot of green parakeets(sp?) with grandad, so now when we see them, we call them 'grandads birds'.
I definately recommend you take the offer of counselling. We as a family still talk about him all the time, sometimes we cry together but mostly we laugh about all the ridiculous things we all did together
Good days and bad days really. Always going to be times when your heart and soul ache with facing life without them.
The little ones help massively with the healing process as they keep you busy and talk about them etc.
Hope you get to start your counselling soon, take care x