My beautiful mum died very suddely on 5th December 2008 aged 51.....Miss her so much

[shaznibabez]

I've been reading alot of the posts on here and know that im not the only one feeling the way i do, but it doesn't make it any easier for me. My mum Anne was the most kind and caring lady that i have ever known, im not just saying this because she's my mum but because she truly was and everyone loved her.

It's been just over 5 weeks now and i feel as though i cant keep living my life feeling the way i do. I have 2 beautiful kids and a lovely hubby who are helping me through as best they can but it is still so hard.

I think what is making it so hard for me to accept is the fact that there was nothing atol wrong with her......she was a healthy 51 year old who worked with the elderly(which she loved so much) even stood on a Saturday night cooking them all a Sunday dinner but that was just her all over would do anything for anyone and always considered everyone else before herself. She was in doing her Christmas shopping on the Wednesday before she died, felt unwell on the Thursday with stomach pains and died in hospital at 1.05pm on the Friday 5th December.

The only thing that i am so glad of is that she was conscious while in hospital, although on lots of morphine for the pain, but we all got to say our goodbyes and tell her how much we all loved her. She had her family and best friends with her when she passed away which is what she would have wanted, I am so glad she had that.

Before she passed away, she told me to stay at uni and finish my nursing course, which i am going to do for her although at the minute i dont feel like sitting exams and writing essays but it's what she wanted so i am going to try my hardest for her xx

I bought a beautiful little trinket box, which i am going to keep some of her ashes in so she will be with me always and forever.

Thanks to anyone who reads this, but i just had to write down some of my thoughts because although i have lots of friends and family to talk to, i feel as if i dont want to keep talking about my um to them as I know it can't be very nice for them to see me upset all the time.

Anyway thanks for reading what i've had to say and anyone in the sae position as me who has lost a loved one please feel free to send me your thoughts as i will be quite happy to listen if i think it will make you feel any better.

Anne Thompson
Born 24.10.57
Died 05.12.08

May you rest in peace mum and as we all know, only the good die young xxxxxxxxxx

Love and miss you more than you will ever know or words can ever say.

[GypsyMoth]

aww feel for you. lost my own mym 15 months ago,fairly suddenly. but still a shock. it will get easier,bet you're told that lots. but its true,it does.

i felt sad for myself,but moreso my poor dad....mum and dad were professional ballroom dancers who had moved on to teaching. so he lost his wife,business partner and dance teacher.

and my dc lost their only remaining gran. my mum was also fairly young at 59.

[nickschick]

Im the same as you, i lost my mum to cancer in 1986 when i was just 11 - its a bloody raw hurt and you will never get over it - you will learn to live with it and in time she wont be the first thing you think of in the morning or the last thing before you sleep.

Mums arent supposed to die when they do we are forced to 'grow up' how i envy my friends whose mums buy them special biscuits or thick tights,i can never accept she isnt here and to be honest as bizarre as this seems as a reasonably intelligent 34 year old mum of 3 I still sometimes have to kid myself that my mum is alive and i can speak to her just to get through the day.

For many years i used to make this pilgrimage to the cemetary where i would look at a patch of grass where her shes were sprinled and just cry ......when my ds1 was small and wed travelled over an hour on 2 buses to get there (id even taken sandwiches anticipating a long journey)my dear little boy asked me why i was crying -and so i rarely go to the cemetary now my mum is alive in my heart and in my mind.

I suspect ive not helped you at all sorry - but truly believe me when i say i now how you feel x

[nickschick]

*know

[Hassled]

I'm so sorry - she sounds like she was one great woman. I lost my mother many many years ago and still think about her often - but then I catch sight of myself in a mirror and realise she's still very much about .

My only advice is that in a couple of months, when the shock has started to pass, you think very seriously about bereavement counselling. With quite sudden deaths in particular there is so much that you feel you didn't say, and wished you had said, and counselling will help you come to terms with that.

[violethill]

Read the OP and just felt I had to say how beautiful it is. Your mum sounds lovely. And she would be so proud of you for hanging on in there with your course.

[SoLongMarianne]

She sounds like a lovely woman. I am so sorry for your loss.

[RedtartanLass]

Oh shaznibabez, I am so so so sorry for your loss. My mum died 13 years ago at a similar age, so I can understand your grief. As Hassled says I too catch sight of myslef in the mirror and know that the lovel of my wonderful mum lives on in me and my children.

My thoughts are with you.

[BONKERZ]

Sorry for your loss, I lost my mum in oct 2005 when i was 24 weeks pregnant. My mum and I didnt have the best of relationships but i loved her very much and i know she loved me. I hadnt seen her for a year before she died BUT we had spoke on the phone every week. My mum actually died 4 days after my birthday and it was very unexpected, she was in hospital for 6 weeks previously for ulcerated legs and got MRSA which attacked her liver which led to her death. Thankfully we were on holiday less than half hour away when she was admitted to ICU and were able to get to the hospital fast and i spent a few hours with her before she passed. Those hours i spent are the hardest memories i have as she was dosed up on morphine and fighting to stay awake.
Every day i miss her. Since her passing i realise how much she meant to me and have so many regrets about our lack of relationship. I had to have counselling to help me overcome this but still now 3 years on it hurts to think of my mum. So many what ifs......

One positive thing that came from mum passing was that me and my younger sister (whom i hadnt spoken to for about 5 months over a silly argument) have become very close. She actually moved 180 miles to live near me in august this year and our 2 babies who were born after mum passed (i was 24 weeks pregnant with DD and sister was 14 weekd pregnant with my nephew) are like brother and sister!

Id like to say it gets easier but 3 years on i cannot say it hurts less. If anything it hurts more but the pain comes less often IYSWIM.
Be kind to yourself, grieving and crying is fine. In my home i have a candle that my mum had in her home, that is my memorial candle and DS and DD know that if the candle is lit and mummy is a little upset its because im thinking of my mum and it helps the DCs to accept this.

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

Shaz - I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mother died last March. It was expected as she had secondary breast cancer of the liver, but we thought it would be months, not days, from when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My mum, like yours, was still cooking Sunday lunch a few days before she was admitted into hospital, and she was for all intents and purposes still active and alive with nothing to suggest that she was living her last few days. We all visited her in hospital the night before she died and even then she was still laughing and joking with my son. We took great comfort from the fact that we were able to say goodbye, although at the time we thought it was goodbye until tomorrow, not forever.

The day she died I wrote on mumsnet about what had happened for no other reason than I needed to write, and the response was amazing and I took comfort in knowing that there are people on this messageboard who have been through the same thing. It's still a very short time since your mother passed away, and for some reason it seems even crueller that it happened just before Christmas. Someone said to me that when your mother dies a part of you dies with her, and I think that's true. At the risk of this coming out the wrong way, it does get easier. I still think about mum every day, and sometimes it's for sad reasons like she'll never get to meet her new grandchild, but sometimes it's for happy reasons like memories of eating cheese fondue and getting drunk on too much strawberry wine.

We asked for a poem called 'Death Is Nothing At All' to be read as part of mum's funeral and the words are so true:

Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped away
into the next room.
I am I,
and you are you;
whatever we were to each other,
that, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used,
put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air
of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we shared together.
Let my name ever be
the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all
that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.
All is well.

She's still your mum and it hurts like hell that you can't cuddle her or phone her when you just want to talk about nothing at all or pass on a book that you know she'll love. Things like that stop you in your tracks and there's nothing you can do about it, nor should you have to. Just because you need to cry doesn't mean that you're cracking up or breaking down. Keep your head up and be proud of the woman she was. Carry on with your nursing course but only if you're ready to. No one will think any less of you if you take a bit of time out, and I'm sure university would understand. And the day you graduate, the day you have your photograph taken wearing that mortar board and gown, you can smile and cry in equal measure knowing that she's standing right beside you as the proudest mum in the world.

Take care! x

[Lilyloo]

Shaz so sorry
agree the good do die young i lost my mum 6 years ago she was 45!

The hurt never leaves you but it does get easier to live with. The hard days are when you want some advice or to share with your lo's as only a gran would. I was pg with ds (no1 when she died) so she never knew her grandchild. I have 3 now and stll feel angry that we never got to have that both being mother bond!

However you will get comfort from being able ot speak to her as you did at the end and being with her.

Hope time helps ease your pain it's very early days yet.

[mrstimlovejoy]

so sorry for your loss.i can't begin to imagine your pain.your mum sounded like a lovely warm person.take care xx

[Turniphead1]

Shaz my thoughts are with you at this really really tough time. I am so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye but am sure your Mum will continue to be proud of you in everything you do.

My Mum, also Anne, died on 4th December 4 years ago aged 54. I miss her everyday too so understand what you are going through. Your own little family will be such a source of comfort.

Take care. XX

[sayithowitis]

Shaz, I am lucky enough to still have my mum with me, but I wante to share with you the two poems we used , one when my dad died, and one when my step dad died. I found them both very helpful and I often read them even now, several years after each of my dear dads passed on.I hope they are of some comfort to you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.



You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived


You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left


Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared


You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday


You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on


You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

[allyssa]

Im so sorry for your loss and you were very lucky that your mum could speak to you before she died because my mum died on the 9th January 2009 and couldnt speak properly a few days before she died and that breaks my heart as im not sure whether she understood what we were saying to her either and like you said about your mum my mum was a beautiful kind person who would have done anything to help anyone and im am still hurting very much.God bless you xxxx

[ChampagneDahling]

shaz - i'm so sorry about your mum - thank goodness you were so close and have so many happy memories. she sounds like a special lady.

i feel for everyone who has left posts here and i know your pain because i lost my mum when i was young too. i know i can't say anything to help really because it will just hurt for a very long time. but wanted to say i'm thinking about you [hugs]

[whenigrowupiwanttobe]

So sorry for your loss.

[HMC]

I'm so sorry, you must be utterly numb from the shock. I think it will be a loving tribute from you to finish your course as she suggested. She obviously wanted the best for you

[thewheelsonthebus]

Shaz, I am very sorry for your loss, your mum sounded like a really lovely lady. I liked the way you paid tribute to her. I also lost my dad on 6th Jan to cancer this year. He was 67.Allysa I am sorry for your loss too. My dad also counldn't talk the last couple of days, but I really believe that he could hear us. My stepmother is a nurse, and she says there is alot of evidence that hearing is the last thing to go. I take comfort in that fact that dad could hear us on the day he passed.
I feel devastated some days, and like I can cope other days. A book that is helping me is called 'A Journey through Grief' by Alla Renee Bozarth. It is very short and has some beautiful poems in as well as good practical advice. I don't think I can put in to words what my dad meant to me, as we were very close and I miss him so much. Just know that I know exactly what you are going through.
take care xx

[Kellylilac1234]

I lost my mum at the end of March. I still cant believe it. We were so close and even two months later, I cant sleep in the darkness or quiet and I cry most nights.
My mum wasn't ill, she died suddenly but I thank God that she met my beautiful son (who is only 18 months old) before she died.
I miss her so much and sometimes wish I was with her but then realise I cant leave my beautiful boy without a mum.
None of us are alone. Talking helps greatly.
I read your message Shaz and your mum sounds just like mine. My mum would be so happy making wedding cakes and doing buffets in her spare time and sometimes she would get so much pleasure from doing that that she wouldn't even charge for them, leaving her out of pocket but so satisfied that she had done something nice for someone.
My mum and dad were married for 37 years, so happy and would still kiss and hold hands. My dad is lost and so lonely. I feel so sad for him. Poor man, he lost his mum on 21st December but she was 95 and three months later he loses his 55 year old wife.
I have a great husband but he'll never understand what I'm going through.
I'd love to chat more Shaz as I think we are going through the same thing. Has it got any easier now that it is June? I find that it just gets harder
I am only 31. I feel too young to lose my beautiful mum.
I miss her so much it hurts.
Take care,
Kelly x

xxx

[sallyjaygorce]

My dad died when I was 25 and my mum three years ago. DD2 has no grandparents (in laws died 2 years ago too). But we talk about them all a lot and they are still very much part of my children's lives. Some days it is just as bad as the beginning of grief. I will never be as carefree again, but I feel things more deeply than ever. I feel I have been witmess to the beginning and the end, and as time has made the day to day pain less sharp I know in my bones how precious this life is. Treasure all the ones you love, living or dead. They are all part of your lives forever and let them be part of your children's.

I am making a memory box - songs, bits of writing, dad's funny postcards sent home, MIL's recipies, FIL's Chopin score, mum's favourite soap. So the children can discover them when they are ready. But they are mentioned everyday with love and humour and celebration. Sometimes tears too. But, as Dad often said, it's all part of life's rich pattern.

I like this quote from The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Thornton Wilder (a book trying to comprehend the randomness of sudden death of 5 people when a bridge breaks) -

"But soon we shall die and all memory of those five will have left the earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning."

Love your children, and look for your mum in them. She is there.