Talk

Flip

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

What to say to the dying friend??

8 replies

joster · 03/12/2008 15:35

Found out earlier today that a close (adult) friend, who we thought had beaten leukaemia is now terminal - 2-4 weeks... heard this via a friend, so have not spoken to her or her DH, but obviously we must do so, whether spoken or written. how do we start that conversation??? Not normally one to be stuck for words, but this is the first time I've been in anything like this situation and after all the joy in the past year of thinking she was over it, I cannot think of the words. Don't want to plan a speech, but equally if I simply pick up the phone and "go for it" I am worried that something completely tactless and stupid sounding will come out... Help me please, it may just spark a thought of clarity through the fuzzy blankness currently in my head.

OP posts:

Report

MummyDoIt · 03/12/2008 15:42

So sorry to hear this. I think start with 'I'm sorry to hear your news' and then follow their lead. If they change the subject, it means they are not comfortable talking about it so you shouldn't force them. Alternatively, they may go into more detail or speak about how they're feeling emotionally, in which case let them talk as much as they need to and just say whatever you can. Don't be afraid to say 'I love you' or 'You're a great friend'. A few weeks before DH died, his best friend told him he was the brother he'd never had. DH was touched to know that and it gave his friend great comfort when DH died to know that he'd said it.

Report

joster · 03/12/2008 15:52

Mummydoit, thank you, what you say is a great inspiration, though sadly acquired through your own sad loss. I am sorry to hear about DH. This lady is someone my husband grew up with, so I've known her only the last 11 years.. DH nearly fell apart when a friend suddenly died last year, so I think he will gain comfort too, as your DH's best friend did, for having the chance to say those words.

OP posts:

Report

EvenstarofWonder · 03/12/2008 18:56

Please take the opportunity, my DH died suddenly so some friends had not seen him for a while, but by many fortunate coincidences several old friends had been in touch and he spoke to his brother and mum the night before he died. If you have the chance to tell someone how much they have meant to you before they die you should. Perhaps you could write a letter or a card if it is too difficult to say face to face?

Report

BreevandercampLGJ · 03/12/2008 19:02

If it were me, I would call and say.

I have spoken to ....X

Do you want to talk about it ?

If they say no, you say OK, but if you did you know where we are.

Now about this weather we have been having....

If they say yes, let them drive the conversation...

Either way, if you are comfortable with the words, just as you are hanging up, say I love you.

Report

DadInsteadofMum · 03/12/2008 20:51

As others have said have your first line ready and then let her take the lead, reminiscing about good times and happy memories is usually a safe subject and just letting her know she is a good friend.

I don't know what final stage leukemia is like, but I know that my own DW didn't want to see anybody but her one closest friend in her final weeks as she didn't want people to see her bed-bound and incapable and also that she got tired incredibly easy and couldn't hold a conversation for more than a few minutes so be prepared for this later on.

Report

MissM · 03/12/2008 20:58

Just to add my two penn'orth. My brother died recently, and although lots of people wrote to him he refused to read anything - we don't know why. So I'd say ring. Even if she doesn't answer, leave a message. Tell her how much you care about her, definitely. Tell her that you don't know what to say. Tell her that you love her (if you do). Just don't think that they won't want the contact.

Agree with dad above though. My brother didn't want anyone round him except me and our other brother and his wife in the last weeks. So offer to visit, but don't be offended if she says no.

Report

onlyjoking9329 · 04/12/2008 08:05

let them steer the conversation but make sure you give them an opening to talk about it. My DH didn't want to talk about it most of the time, what he did get comfort from is hearing friends say that they had valued knowing him and most importantly that they promised to look after me and the kids, DHs biggest cope was how we would managed when he died, i do think it helped his dying to be more peaceful IYKWIM.
it wont be the easiest chat you will have, but you do need to do it and not run away.

Report

joster · 04/12/2008 17:53

Thank you all, feel ready to make the call. I will take her lead on how far she wants to go on her situation.

The memories thing came to me whilst driving to school this morning - I spent one of the funniest days of my whole life with this lovely lady and her now husband. The four screaming voices in the car suddenly stopped when they heard me just laughing out loud as they wondered what on earth I was doing. I have photos of that day, so am going to dig them out and maybe send them over... It was the first time we met her now DH and everyone just knew he was the one for her there and then. It was such a special time. How he must be feeling, I can scarcely imagine, but I know he has been an extraordinary support to her these past 3 years...
Thanks again.