Why do i feel more sad about losing my Dad today than I did when he died in July??

[drivinmecrazy]

I am finding myself in the car taking kids to ballet silently sobbing, or washing up suddenly heart broken. It seems that almost every minute of the day he is in my thoughts.
I did think that i handled it at the time, but i remember thinking how strange that people would comstantly ask me how I was doing when i thought I was over it.
He was ill for years so it came as no suprise, but it just seems to be getting worse. My DD1 (7) really misses him still, even my 3 year old DD2 is always talking about him.
Had no idea grief worked like this. It seems to be creeping up on me like some unwanted stalker, ready to pounce and the most inappropriate times.
Silly thing is when I am around people I don't talk about it. I wait until I am all on my own and just feel so lonely. Can't even talk to DH 'cos he lost his Dad in April but is handling it really well.

[MurderousCherryChapstick]

Lost Mum in June. I know what you mean.
I can go for ages when Mum is in my thoughts and it is fine, but sometimes it takes my breath away and I can't do anything.

[cheekymonk]

This is totally normal. I lost my Nan who I was really really close to and didn't really show lots of grief until about 5 months later. I completely broke down when I saw her old fridge at my sisters and definitely felt more upset that I did at the time. It takes time to fully absorb the enormity of what has happened and the full extent of the loss. Grief hits in waves, some days you are fine, other days you are obsessed. it must be harder for you as it was your Dad. I am sorry for your loss. Give yourself some slack at this difficult time x

[Hassled]

Oh you poor thing. Grief is awful - 5 years since my father died and still I sometimes hear his voice in my head or think about something he would have had an opinion on, and then I'm off. And in the first year it was much much worse - it's the reality setting in after the initial shock period. My DS3 looks so like him, which is lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.

I bet your DH is just doing the man-act and not handling it well at all inside - you need to talk to each other. And if not him, then think about bereavement counselling - I really wish I'd done that. All I can really say is not so much that it gets better, more that you will get better at dealing with it.

[drivinmecrazy]

Even when the phone rings I think it could be him. Mum is packing up their house to move to Spain permanently and that is really hard. Feel like she is erasing him from her life and starting afresh, although that was their plan together.
Am glad that she is moving on, but feel as if I'm left behind. Their relationship wasn't great at the end, she spent most of the last year in Spain while I spent every day with him. My girls and I had all the good times and special memories which is some great consolation. Mum seems more bothered about how much he has left her than the fact her daughter has lost her father.
MANY unresolved issues me thinks. Time to dive into the Bar

[Elasticwoman]

You can talk to me, I've lost my dad too - 6 years ago now.

I often think of him and the things he said and did. I feel very thankful that I was raised by a dad who did his best to make me independent of him and able to cope without him.

He wrote me a letter when I passed my driving test (I was 24 at the time and had not lived at home for several years) in which he congratulated me and said now you will have to learn to navigate.

He used to be very encouraging about breastfeeding, saying things like "ah, such a comfort for a baby".

What do you remember fondly about your dad, Drivin?

[Hassled]

That phone ringing at a certain time thing - for years I still thought "Oh good, that will be Dad". But you must talk about him - talk to your DCs, so they don't forget, talk to your DH - I kept things bottled up for months, and it did me no good at all. And remind yourself constantly that he died knowing he had a wonderful daughter who loved him - don't ever beat yourself up with regrets.

[chegirl]

It is normal Drivin. Whatever normal bloody is when you lose someone you love.

I think the 2nd year after I lost my daughter was much worse than the first. In the first months you are so numbed by shock you almost exist in a haze (literally if you are on meds!). When this wears off you have to face the realisation that yes, they really have gone and this is what life is like now.

The bad days will always be as bad but they will get less often. You will be ok sweetheart, hold on in there x

[Hassled]

chegirl - I'm so sorry for your loss. Wish I knew what to say.

[Elasticwoman]

Chegirl - losing a child is what none of us expects to go through. So sorry for your devastating loss. But losing a parent we must all expect, sooner or later. It is the natural order of things.

[drivinmecrazy]

I remember him being a much better grandfather than he was a Dad, but that's a good thing. Seeing him with my girls laid to rest all the times he wasn't there when i was growing up. He worked in Saudi Arabia until he got ill four years ago, but those four years more than made up for th disappointments i felt as a child when he couldn't be there for special events.

He would teach my girls to eat jelly through a straw, would take them out for ice cream and be gone a day. He took them out to visit the local police station , or to the local museums. He would come into ours for dinner a few times a week (he lived next door). Or he would just phone me when he was watching something he though I might like.
My Dad did our garden when my DH was too busy working. Such simple things, the list goes on and on. But for me it was the normality of our relationship that I treasure the most after missing him through my childhood years

[drivinmecrazy]

Chegirl, I am so sorry. I was typing my post before I read yours. My feelings must seem so trivial by comparison. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Elasticwoman]

It must have been a comfort to him, to be able to make up for not being there in the Saudi years, Drivin. And great for your dc to have positive memories of him.

He was a unique human being and will never be replaced. Of course you are grieving. But you will learn to live with your loss.

[onlyjoking9329]

i can understand the things feeling worse now thing, my DH died 4 months ago today and in some ways now is much harder.
chegirl, so very sorry to hear about your loss.

[whitecloud]

Lost my Mum in June after losing my Dad the year before in May 2007. There was a lot of illness and heartache. Feel as if it has all hit me now - agree with you all. It is far harder a few months down the track - I was completely numb at first and numb after Dad died. Now it's all over it has hit me a lot harder. Has anyone else experienced feeling better and thinking they are OK and then feeling a whole load worse again? Find that the hardest to cope with. Also a bit of guilt - you know other people are going through worse - loss of child/husband - those who have posted about that I am so sorry - you are handling it so well. Despite it being the natural order of things to lose a parent and even though they were in their 80s I still feel so devestated.

[Anna8888]

I think that probably, if he your father had been ill for years, that you have may have been relieved that his suffering had ended when he finally died.

Whereas now you have forgotten about the suffering part, and are just remembering the best of him . So you miss him more.

[WhatSheSaid]

As others have said, you are probably feeling worse now because the initial shock has worn off. I thought I was doing great for a couple of months after my mum died, then it hit me. It's almost as if it's too much of a loss to cope with all at once so your mind shuts down some of the grief for a while.

I understand when you say it's lonely - grief can be a very lonely thing.

Lovely idea from Elasticwoman of thinking of the good things you remember about him.

Grief is a long process though, so don't feel you have to be "over" it by a certain time.

[rachels103]

I lost my dad in May and know exactly how you feel. I thought I was handling it really well at first then it hit me like a bulldozer.

I think it will go up and down for a long time. We had our parents in our lives for a long time and no matter how much we know they will be gone one day we never really believe it.

Take comfort in the memories of happy times.

[HaveYouCheckedTheChildren]

I lost my Dad when I was 25 and it didn't really affect me in a tearful way for about 18 months when I looked at some crumpets in Sainsbury's and thought of getting them for him. My Mum died two years ago, then my MIL six months later and my FIL a few months ago. Think my grief for Mum is still waiting to emerge - it was consumed for a while by one crisis after another. Nearly lost DD last year but she is now fine. That got things in some kind of perspective since I couldn't imagine ever coming to terms with that - Chegirl I feel for you so much. But have founda sort of peace about my parents and feel a sense of them in the faces and personalities of my children. Never a day goes by without DH and me wishing our children had their grandparents though. It will get easier but I think all of your life there will be moments when the wound is reopened.

You will find it is less frequent and be able to summon happy memories too. Keep talking about them - for your children too. They are still your family and that can never change.

By the way - pull over if you cry in the car. I nearly finished us all off on the M25 because one of mum's songs came on.

Take care of yourself. I find reading poetry helps - on my own. I cry like mad and then feel less isolated. X

[sheilatakeabow]

IME, it takes ages - three years on, I'm still regularly left speechless by the loss. And all you can do is remember the good times, and take comfort from the fact that he shaped who you are and the choices you've made

[booge]

It can creep up and hit you years later. My dad died 26 years ago and I still have my moments. Recently having had the children I keep thinking of how much he would have loved them. It gets easier over time but I think it's always there.

[mckenzie]

I'm with booge. I lost my dad neary 38 years ago and really have no memory of it but it still gets me some days when i just can't get hin out of my head, wondering what might have been.
Try and talk to your DH huh? And easy for me to say, but I guess this might just be your mums's way of coping. We all cope differently don't we?

[Elasticwoman]

Re feeling sorry that your Dad is not enjoying the grandchildren - I feel the opposite: my Dad had an op in his late 70s which gave him about 3 years more good quality of life and enabled him to be around when my ds was born (only grandson). I have memories of my Dad holding ds as a baby. I'll always be grateful to the surgeon and staff at Guy's hospital who enabled this.
Very sorry for you MNetters who lost parents early in life.