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1 year since my friend died and finding it hard to cope - just need to let it out, not really after replies.

(8 Posts)
ruthosaurus Mon 15-Sep-08 19:29:00

A dear friend, who was also my university boyfriend and first love, died a year ago today. He was only 30 and he died of cancer in only 4 months so it was a horrible shock. He left a widow, (also one of my best friends) and a baby son. I feel guilty because I don't feel I have the right to feel like this because it's her grief and I should just get over it and be there for her. I am married to a lovely man and our first baby is due in November, so I also feel guilty in case I'm being disloyal to my husband in some way, and because I feel like such an ungrateful cow, and most of all I really, really miss my friend and wish he wasn't dead.

Sorry to whinge, it's just a hard day.

nickytwotimes Mon 15-Sep-08 19:31:21

Don't feel bad. He was a good friend and you miss him. It would probably comfort his widow to know he is far from forgotten and it is not disloyal to your dh at all. sad for your loss.

Littlefish Mon 15-Sep-08 19:39:42

The fact that you are married to a lovely man, and are expecting your own baby doesn't detract from the fact that your darling friend isn't here to share your happy times.

A very close friend of mine died 10 years ago at the age of 32. I still miss him terribly. I didn't know his parents, but I think that nickytwotimes is right, that they (like your friend's wife) would be really comforted by the fact that he made such in impact in my life, that I still think about him and miss him terribly.

It is your grief, just as it is her grief. There are different ways of being there for her. Do you still see her regularly? I'm sure she would appreciate it if you dropped her a card to let her know that you've remembered the anniversary and are missing him too.

Look after yourself.

Habbibu Mon 15-Sep-08 19:42:38

Anniversaries are terribly hard, and there's no hierarchy of grief. Don't beat yourself up about missing a dear friend - it's completely normal, and very sad. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Twiglett Mon 15-Sep-08 19:47:19

Grief is not restricted to widows and you have the right to grieve.

Do you talk to his wife about how you feel?

I think adding guilt into the mix of emotions one feels when losing a loved one does not help in any way. It is a false and destructive emotion.

Of course you are torn, your feelings sound reasonable and rationale. It is difficult to lose a friend and an ex-lover. And it is trite, but it does get easier.

wtfhashappened Mon 15-Sep-08 19:50:01

sending you a hug. of course you can grieve for someone you loved, no matter how much water has gone under the bridge since then,

ruthosaurus Mon 15-Sep-08 19:52:00

Did card, called and left voicemail, bought copy of today's Guardian with the announcement in, DH being wonderful. Thanks all, just feeling crap. Also I think being upset is what's bringing on the Braxton Hicks contractions so I'm off for a bath. sad for your loss too Littlefish and anyone else.

Mercy Mon 15-Sep-08 19:59:06

Ruthsaurus, my best friend died almost 10 years ago.

It does get easier, it's early days yet.

Of course you will have similar feelings to his wife - you have suffered a loss too. It may be a comfort to her to know that her husband was liked and loved by ohters.

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