My dad died 2 weeks ago - feeling angry at DP's family

(12 Posts)
janx Fri 22-Aug-08 17:19:32

I can't believe that my dp's family have not even bothered to call or send me a card - I have been with my partner for 7 years and we often spend christmas etc with his sister and brothers and their kids. DP's parents died a long time ago - so they do know what it is like. To make it worse - dp seems to think it is no big deal and that they must feel awkward. I feel hurt that they do not care enough to drop a card in the post - even my neighbours who I don't know have sent a card. One of his brothers even spoke to me on the phone the other day as he is coming to London at the weekend - and there was not a word.

OP’s posts: |
Cadbury Fri 22-Aug-08 17:21:36

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Is it possible they don't know ?

janx Fri 22-Aug-08 17:25:17

They do know because DP told them

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MumWith2Boys Fri 22-Aug-08 19:47:43

I am really sorry to hear this. If it's any consolation, my dad died 2 years ago and my inlaws have NEVER EVER mentioned it. Not a "sorry to hear he's in hospital" nor "sorry he died" 5 weeks later. They knew him for Christ's sake. He was 64. My husband stood up for them at the time but now we don't discuss it. I made it perfectly clear at the time how I felt. Ironically my FIL ended up in hospital a month later (when DS2 was 3 weeks old) and we were expected to drop everything and be there. YEAH RIGHT.

It's such a difficult time for you. Bereavement is a peculiar thing, it brings out the unexpected in people. Like you say, cards from neighbours but then bugger all from those who you feel should be there.

I am still bitter and twisted which isn't good. I'm sure you are a better person than me. But you are hurting and I am still hurting 2 years later.

I'm sending you a big hug.

nkf Fri 22-Aug-08 19:53:57

Poor you. I'm sorry. For your loss and for the lack of response by your in-laws.

janx Fri 22-Aug-08 20:02:13

Sorry you had that experience too - I think I am more upset that dp has not been pissed off at them too. One of his brothers is coming to London at the weekend - we were meant to be doing a house swap - arranged before dad died- I didn't want to do it afterwards, but felt guilty as know their children were looking forward to it so I arranged for them to stay at my friends house while she is away....don't know why I bothered really.
You are right about it bringing out the unexpected in people - have been touched by others people's kindness

nkf - thank you for your message

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jellyrolly Fri 22-Aug-08 20:11:06

So sorry for your loss janx. Echo people react strangely and differently to bereavement.

Perhaps your dp's brother will say something when he sees you? Sometimes when people have already lost their parents they cope with it by being tough; maybe they don't want to face their own feelings. Pity the emotional retards wink.

I hope it doesn't come between your dp and you and that he is being supportive otherwise.

Sending a hug to you.

MumWith2Boys Fri 22-Aug-08 20:12:36

That was kind of you. I begrudgingly go through the motions with my inlaws for the sake of our 2 children but only for them.

Sorry if I ranted. This is about you not me.

2 weeks is extremely early days. I hope you find comfort from the cards and messages from the people who know you and care about you. Look after yourself. I am truly sorry for your loss X

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 22-Aug-08 20:15:49

Janx I am so sorry for your loss, and that your ILs have not acknowledged your grief.

I hope you have got RL support.

Two weeks is v early days, and you could well still be all over the place for a while yet sad.

MaryAnnSingleton Fri 22-Aug-08 20:23:45

sad to hear this..some people are quite unbelievable. My dh's dad died a few days ago and my family and friends have been lovely and so sorry for your loss too.

janx Fri 22-Aug-08 20:23:50

Thanks everyone - my friends have been very supportive - I am just dog tired with a baby that does not sleep and a very active 4 year old. I am very close to my siblings and we ring each other every day. I do feel all over the place and being so tired does not help

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jellyrolly Fri 22-Aug-08 20:30:49

When my mum died a few years ago, I remember wondering how anyone could be going about their normal business. It felt like the world had just stopped and I was the only one who had noticed. I know it doesn't feel like it now but your wakeful and bright children will pull you through this awful time.

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