Mum's Cancer's Back

[Rileycat]

Just got news last Thurs that my Mum's cancer has returned and it's all over. She's weeks possibly days left to live. She's got mac nurse out today and they're gonna make her comfortable etc. I have DD1 aged 16 months and pregnant with DD2 (19 weeks). My Mum won't get to see the new baby. I am filled with sadness and dunno what I'll do without her, we've always been close more like sisters. I wanted the kids to have Nana close by to spoil them but not gonna happen, is it ok to be upset infront of DD1 or do I contain it till she's in bed? Anyone any experience of this? I don't want her to feel any of my pain. Also my Mum is desperate to know what we're going to call DD2 before she dies. Trouble is DH and I cannot agree on any names, would it be wrong if we told her something we choose now but then it changed?

[Bundle]

oh rileycat i'm sorry

it wouldn't be wrong to tell her your favourite name and i think your dh should let you choose, given the circumstances

[Thefearlessfreak]

Hello..I have no experience of losing someone so close to me or of being prepared to lose someone. I had to respond to your thread though. My heart goes out to you & I'm sure you'll get loads of brilliant support here.
Maybe your mum will come up with a good name that you like?

[culottee]

Oh, poor you. My mum died of cancer years before my dc were born, it is my greatest sadness that she never knew her grandchildren.
I think it will be healthy for you to be upset (within reason) in front of your dd. Might help her understand a little bit about death, teach her that its right to be sad, etc.
My dd1 has my mum's name as a middle name. Is this an option?Or at least deciding on a middle name you and dh agree on to tell your mum.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this x

[MyDingaling]

Sorry to hear this. I agree with Bundle, tell her your favourite name at the moment.
Thinking of you and your family

[Rileycat]

Thanks everyone, I was thinking of having my Mum's name as a 2nd middle name as it's not something we'd go for really, it's Susan. It's not that I dislike it or anything, just doesn't follow on from DD1's name which is a bit more modern and a little bit different. Picking a name is hard enough but under these circumstances it's even harder. Actually, whole pregnancy has felt wierd so far, not that the little one isn't wanted, just not as excited as first time around, guess it's cos there's lots of sadness in our family. My Mum's always wanted to be a Nan, she's been on at me since I was about 25 to give her grandchildren At least I can say I did that for her and she's had 16 wonderful months with DD1.

[Bundle]

rileycat maybe you could choose another name that's like your mum's? (I think Susannah is lovely - or does your mum have a middle name or family name that would work?)

I hope you have other people around you to support you during this difficult time and with the rest of your pregnancy, xxx

[culottee]

How about Susie? or Lily (Susan means Lily) as that important middle name if you want to use your mum's name but feel it doesn't fit?

[MummyDoIt]

So sorry to hear this. My dad died of cancer in November last year. DH has the same cancer (incurable so he has a limited life expectancy, as they put it). Dad was only given six months when he was diagnosed and I was expecting DS1 at the time. We didn't think he'd live to see his grandson but he defied the odds and lived another five years so he knew both my DSs.

My best advice is to take lots and lots of photos and video of your mum, especially with your DD. It might be painful to watch for a while but you will treasure them. So very sad that your mum won't get to see your new baby but is there any chance of getting her to a scan?

[Kewcumber]

so sorry to hear this - my mum was diagnosed with "terminal" cancer 4 years ago and I thought she would be unlikely to live to meet DS. Thankfully for her, she is now in remission but I do understand what you're going through.

I think a little exposure to seeing to upset is fine, talk to the mac nurses about it I bet they have much more experience.

By all means choose a name to tell your mum and later it late if you change your mind - be prepared though that once you have told her you may find that you don;t want to change your mind... a bit like introducing DD2 to your mum and changing the name will feel like taking that away.

[marmalady]

So sorry to hear this rileycat. I wish you lots of strength for the following weeks. My mum died a few years before my dc were born. Her middle name is my dd1 middle name. Maybe you could tell your mum your choices of possible name and see what she likes. Then you and your dh can bear this in mind when choosing and she will at last have been part of the thought process?

(((((((hugs)))))))

[Kewcumber]

so glad you don't dislike the name "Susan" btw

I think Susannah is a good compromise

[Rileycat]

Yes, I quite like Susannah or Susie, I think my Mum would go for those. She likes traditional names and was horrified when we told her DS1's chosen name but now she loves it and thinks it suits her. I have some photos and videos of my Mum but not many as she hates cameras and reckons she looks awful in photos, her last birthday was in Sept (she was diagnosed Oct and started chemo immediately) so it's the last lot of pics we have of her looking happy, a healthy weight and with hair. I shall always look back at those and smile. I've got my 20 week scan next week so I'm going to ask for an extra photo to give to my Mum, she's too ill to leave the house now so she wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital with me. Family wise I am worried about my brother as his method of coping is to shut it all out, I have a much younger sister (aged 16) who still lives at home with my Mum and StepDad. Dunno how the two of them will cope without my Mum, she always does everything for them. I've got great friends and a wonderful DH so I am lucky in that respect and DD1 always manages to make me laugh through the bad times.