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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

help me know what to say to a v good friend whos dad is dying of brain tumour

12 replies

MotherofUBERboys · 14/04/2008 21:11

he has been sick or in remission almost the whole time ive known her (11 yrs)... but less and less of the remission for the last 5 yrs or so. is now pretty much end stage stuff

ive met them, her parents and sister, a couple of times only... stayed with them at their home with my friend once about 6yrs ago.

they live in a different part of the country to me...and she lives (for last few years) near barcelona. last time i saw her (about a month or more ago) she said that she was expecting 'the call' at any time now.

i am due to see her on thursday/friday (it is dirt cheap to fly to girona from local airport near here) and is just lovely to see my old pal since ive been somewhat busy popping out 3 babies for the past few years, so it wont be all we talk about - im sure she may want not to talk about it much or maybe even at all... but i do want to say something, or at least have something to say to her if she brings it up. she is v resigned, its been coming a long time, but still. shes my age (31) and her daddy is dying. b/cause its a brain tumour, hes not been 'himself' for a long time, and is suffering/drugged quite a lot so it will be a mercy in a way when he goes... but still.

what can i say? i havnt a clue.

(ps. i use brackets too much dont i?)

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whomovedmychocolate · 14/04/2008 21:17

Say: 'I'm so sorry about your dad - do you want to talk about it?' and give her a big hug. Chances are she won't want to, but she'll appreciate that you aren't skating around the subject.

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tigermoth · 14/04/2008 21:20

When my mum had a brain tumour, I wanted my friends to let me talk about it, but also to let me be myself as I needed time off from being at my mum's side. I was really touched if friends wanted to visit my mother and be with her for a little while - I was an only child and it took the pressure off me.

Some of my mum's friends stayed away when they heard she was ill, as they wanted to remember her the way she was. I can understand that, but mum was upset that friends she was fond of were not visiting.

It may not be the same for your friend and her father. He may have plenty of visitors and not want to see people, but if you think there's a chance a visit could be welcome, perhaps tentativly offer to visit with your friend. She can only say no.

Do let her talk, and ask if there is anything you can do - perhaps having her children for a while to give her some time.

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MotherofUBERboys · 14/04/2008 21:33

thanks for the input.

tiger - sorry for your loss. sounds a difficult time for you.

WMMC-thats what i thought on the whole... say it, so its not 'unsaid' then let her talk or not.

dp says i should just listen and be a listener/mirror if she wants to talk about it, and not offer opinions or advice. i wouldnt dream of offering either since i havnt been there (my parents are not allowed to die ever and they know this [weak joke]) but it sounds fairly good advice.

thanks again for input. greatly appreciated.

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whomovedmychocolate · 14/04/2008 21:39

Bear in mind also that if you turn up on Friday and her dad has just died she may need to reschedule at very short notice, or that you may suddenly need to help her practically.

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Flamestar · 14/04/2008 22:12

MOUB isn't being rude, she probably won't be able to get back on tonight though so will reply in the morning Thank you

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MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 08:09

yes wmmc, i will be prepared for that.

thanks flamestar

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tigermoth · 15/04/2008 08:42

just to add to the MOUB's message, yes, if your friend's dad is so ill, she may be called away to see him at short notice. Therefore, be prepared that any arrangements you make to see her may get changed at the last minute. Make make sure she realises that even though you have specially flown over to see her, you don't expect her to keep to any arrangements to see you - she mustn't feel guilty about cancelling anything. You will go along with her plans and help where you can.

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MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 08:52

oh absolutely. she knows that, but id say it again.

its not even any big deal really to get over to see her. its cheaper to fly there than to get the one hour train to london () so am doing it fairly regularly now.
you have made me think tho, to say that if she wants me to , ill go with her to her parents anytime she likes. thats an idea.

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sadkim · 15/04/2008 09:14

i lost my dad to a brain tumor 9 years ago to be honest there is not a lot you can say to make the situation better but just let your freind know that you are there if she wants to talk and even if she does,t want to talk that you are there for her even if its just to hold her hand or be a shoulder to cry on these situations are so hard because everyone is differnt jsut knowing you are there will be a huge comfort i,m sure

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MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 09:16

thanks sadkim. seems sound advice.

sorry for your loss too.

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onlyjoking9329 · 15/04/2008 09:26

My husband is in the end stages he has a brain tumour too.
i think you need to give your mate the opportunity to talk as so many people will be not wanting to listen to her or can't deal with a sadness that they can't offer a solution for.
don't wait for her to ask for help as she probably never will.
don't tell her to ring if she needs anything as she probably won't, make sure you phone her

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MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 09:34

oh oj, thanks.

i suspected what you say; dp says dont bring it up, let her talk if she wants to... but i want her to know that i wont shy away from it. that i dont know what to say, or how it feels, but i'll listen.

hope you, and your family, find cause to smile today. x