How do I help DD with her grief.

[UncomfortableSilence]

I lost my DF at the end of last year, it was a shock, he hadn't been unwell, had a fall, precautionary scan showed a brain mass, to cut a long story short the cancer was in most organs, no treatment options, prognosis of 6 months. As he wasn't considered end of life we weren't allowed to visit him in hospital for the 3 weeks he was in, on discharge he tested positive for Covid, we did a doorstep visit the next day with both DDs and he died a couple of days later. It's been such a difficult time.

DD16 was very close to him, she has struggled to verbalise her feelings, school offered counselling but it didn't go very well and she stopped it, I've just seen a video she posted online saying how much she misses him and that she feels guilty she never got to say goodbye.

How can I support her? She isn't in a great place generally, she has struggled with the whole Y11 fiasco and is just coming to the end of over 60 exams and she is exhausted. She's a good talker when the mood suits her but she is very snappy and angry at the moment.

[Babdoc]

Just be there for her, OP. Don’t push her to talk if she isn’t ready. Anger and guilt are very normal emotions after a bereavement - maybe reassure DD that it is ok to feel this way.
You have your own grief to deal with too. Don’t ignore your own feelings while trying to help DD - let her see that you are grieving too, and that you all need to support each other through this family loss.
I think nowadays people are so removed from death that we are unprepared to deal with it - we think grief should be “fixable” with counselling or whatever.
But the truth is, it hurts. There is no getting away from that, and we need to work through it in our own way and our own time until the pain gets less, and we come to terms with it.
Give yourselves “permission to feel” - to be angry, to cry, to express your emotions. And let DD know you feel it too and understand.
My prayers that you and your daughter reach a place of calm and acceptance, where you can remember your dad/grandad with affection and smiles instead of tears. God bless.

[Onandoff]

What ^ she said. We’re going through similar at the moment (my mum died) and it’s been so hard. My daughter is the same age as yours. We’re all in our own torment and muddling through. Grief is hard, the impact has been enormous and in some ways the loss is only just being felt months down the line. Sometimes counselling helps but most people don’t need it, just keep talking about him and be kind to each other. Ask her how she is and let her know you’re there for her.

[Bellringer]

Look at 'Winston's wish'. Writing a letter, or poem, burning a candle may help. Talk about him, make a photo album. This age feel things deeply, just be there, she will work through it, it takes a while

[TwigTheWonderKid]

I think there are two separate things going on here. There is the "normal" grief we feel when we lose someone we love, and which, given time, she will work her way through and eventually learn to accommodate in her life.

But she is also having to deal with the awful shock of the suddenness of it, probably a feeling of having let him down by not having been able to say goodbye, and presumably not having attended the kind of funeral filled with love, good memories and the love of many people which can be such a positive thing. I wonder of there is anything you and she could do together "for" him which might help her with that aspect of things?

[UncomfortableSilence]

Thanks everyone. Twig you are right, my DM was shielding so we saw them so much less last year than we usually do and this happened so quickly I know she feels a degree of guilt, the funeral was obviously very small but she picked a reading and read which was beautiful.

I encourage her to talk which she does, she has a photo of him and her in her room and I have planted a rose bush in our garden named after him.

I have struggled to support my DM who has completely fallen apart and juggle work and family and my own grief is odd I think it is only just sinking in for me what's happened and I just get waves of it come over me out of no where, I miss him desperately, I had a wonderful childhood and he was an amazing listener, I miss our chats so much.

Appreciate your responses.

[Embracelife]

Help her to access professional counselling.
A bereavement therapist

[Iknowtheanswer]

Waves of overwhelming grief that just floor you are absolutely normal. As PPs have said above, we are not great at grief, and I always think that it is very important to realise that just working through it is actually the healthiest way to grieve. It does hurt, but trying to avoid the pain is actually worse in the long run.

I think that #Babdoc has it spot on. Fresh air helps, make sure that you don't hide from big dates (birthdays etc), amrk them and allow a time to grieve, and the pain will ease.

Eventually, I find you reach a point of acceptance where the pain is there, but at a far distance. Like watch waves from a cliff, instead of being flattened by them.