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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

I feel dread ever since my mum died

13 replies

jobbyjg · 23/03/2021 05:37

I'm not sure if that's the correct term?
My mum died nearly 3 years ago she was diagnosed with leukaemia an died 6 weeks after being diagnosed. She went from being a very healthy fit 74 year old to dying during treatment.
I'm a nurse so I've experienced caring for the dying before, but. Not a loved one, my dad can't seem to get his head around this fact that I'm a nurse so
Should be able to get on with it!
I've never really cried not even at my
Mums funeral I felt I needed to be strong for everyone .my dad nearly 80 now realies on me for nearly everything even though I work ft time nightshift and have very young children . It's like he sees me taking my mums place, my brother loves abroad and does nothing or even keeps in touch very much.
I just feel this numbness and keep
Thinking about death a lot and worrying it's going to happen to me soon, I get panic attacks thinking I might die soon like in a car crash leaving my kids without a mum.
Thanks for reading this I know it sounds very muddled but I just can't get death out my mind, I very much want to live

OP posts:

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Inthesameboatatmo · 23/03/2021 05:45

Hi op sorry for your loss.
It's hard to lose a parent definitely and I think harder to lose a mum, my own mum died12 years ago when my first child was only 3 weeks old, my mum had cancer and was in palliative care for months before she died. I also suffered panic attacks thinking the same things as you but I don't anymore it does get better I never really grieved either I think because the grieving was done in the weeks before she passed

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jobbyjg · 23/03/2021 05:49

So sorry for your loss, Thanks for. Your reply, I knows my mum was going to die it was trail treatment they were using to try and cure her, I did lots of crying before she died so maybe I've already grieved for her. My youngest son was just over a year when she died and I think you have to just get on with things , I'm glad to hear it gets a bit easier

OP posts:

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MyOtherProfile · 23/03/2021 05:50

So sorry for your loss. This sounds untenable. Can you sit with your dad and go through what he needs and how much you are able to help with? You sound exhausted. Maybe think about some kind of bereavement counselling if you think that could help?

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Likeandsubscribe · 23/03/2021 05:53

I'm so sorry for your your loss op.

What a heartbreaking post. You must still be in shock. You have carried on marvellously for everyone else but now you need to take a break and do your own mourning. Can you speak to your GP or a doctor you trust and tell them you are struggling? Ask for some support for your dad so you can step back from his care a bit and for some talking therapy for yourself.

And it might be worth contacting Cruse for help:

Time to take care of yourself now X.
www.cruse.org.uk/

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jobbyjg · 23/03/2021 05:57

Hi yes thank you , my dad is a very fit man as well but he just wants me to drop everything to run to his needs an I'm am exhausted! H excerpts me to take him food shopping every Tuesday as that's the day him and my mum went, but he drives and lives about 5 mins away from the supermarket. Where as I'm night shift live rurally have about 1.5 hours sleep then have i pick my son o from nursery then drive to his , it's just getting far to much and I know it sounds awful but I'm beginning to resent him.
He also only wants to speak about my mum on his terms and shuts my off when I try to talk about her

OP posts:

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Besom · 23/03/2021 06:13

Sorry for your loss. I experienced similar after my mum died. I did end up going for counselling. I know as a nurse you might find this more difficult but I think you should speak to your GP. You also have this carer stress going on which is very draining plus all the other stuff. You need some support with it. I've been there I know how it is.

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ouchmyfeet · 23/03/2021 06:14

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it's very common for those who've lost a parent and have young children to worry about dying and leaving them. If worried me for years when mine were very small, but it's faded as they've got older (youngest now 9).

I'm also in a similar position with me dad, who is becoming quite reliant on me as he gets older. I think you just need to explain carefully that you need to sleep on Tuesday mornings and can't keep running on 1.5 hours. My dad needs support and used to be a bit like yours but he is quite reasonable now and doesn't expect me to drop everything and come when it suits him. I find doing things to support him at a time that suits me makes me much less resentful of him. I got to the point where I didn't have a choice and I couldn't hide my exhaustion from him. He finally realised how much I had on and has been more considerate since, I think perhaps you just need to spell it out for him and suggest a Sunday afternoon (or whatever works for you) shopping trip instead. It's hard when old people are so set In their ways but give it a go, he might surprise you.

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Whatfrolics · 23/03/2021 10:21

Can you teach your dad to do an on-line shop and then neither of you would have to go on Tuesdays? If that's not possible, could you just explain directly to him how little sleep you are getting and if he can only go on Tuesdays then he will have to go alone? Why does a fit man need help at the supermarket anyway? And why not just say to him, you know I want to talk about mum too as I miss her so much, but you only let me do so on your terms.

I would try and explain to your dad that you love him and understand he is grieving but you need to stop back from helping him in quite the same way as you are tired from night shifts and early mornings with your DC. Anyone would be tired with that combination! Your dad should recognise that!

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wandawombat · 23/03/2021 10:23

You can't be driving on such little sleep, accident waiting to happen

Time to have a firm & frank conversation about your safety.

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justilou1 · 23/03/2021 10:25

I think it’s time to tell him that you are a human with feelings and that he is NOT the only one who lost her. You have children who need you and that it is time that he learns to be an adult and face his responsibilities and his new reality and learn to connect with the people who are left in his life - or not.

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ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 23/03/2021 10:27

I think elderly people do get like this. My mum did with me, when l was working full time as a single parent.

Carers can take them shopping l think? Maybe time to think about that?

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someonelockthefridgealready · 23/03/2021 10:37

You need to take a step back from your dad's demands. You are pushing yourself to breaking point. You have to put yourself first so that you will be able to be there for your children.

I suspect that once you take a step back and have some time and energy for yourself that you may be able to grieve and the panic attacks and anxiety might reduce. IYou should try to talk to someone like Cruse as suggested.

Massive hugs to you.

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jobbyjg · 23/03/2021 12:32

Hanks so much for all
The kind replies well that's me up for the day just picking ds up . Going to speak to my dad don't know if I should wait until I'm a bit more awake or just do it today and let him see how I'm exhausted I am, although it's pretty obvious I'm shattered even a mum I don't know asked if I'd been working as I looked so tired.
I'm going to look into cruise as well will do this tomorrow though