Struggling with bereavement and new motherhood

[LazyYogi]

My dad passed away a month ago today. He was only 59 but had a heart attack following his diagnosis of heart failure a few years ago.

I had no idea until I announced my pregnancy how excited he was to be a granddad. It really brightened his outlook.

It is only when I look back now that I see how ill he had become in the last year. He was growing weaker and fighting so many symptoms. He possibly had something else alongside the heart failure, the doctors never got to the bottom of some of his symptoms. He must have been really struggling through his last few months but remained so cheerful through it excitedall.

I am angry at myself that I didn't include him more in my life recently. I felt so busy but I should have made the time. He would suggest baby names, ask me about how I planned to tackle things about parenting etc, offer to buy things, but I never properly engaged.

My son was born in December and I had a rough first few weeks but probably no different to any new mum. I didn't see my dad as often as I would have liked but I also could have made more effort.

Now he's gone. DS will never know him. He only held DS a couple of times and never got to be the fantastic granddad I knew he'd be. There's so much advice I need from him now. So much knowledge wasted.

I wish I'd had my son sooner. I wish I'd told him to see a doctor years ago. I wish I had supported him to be healthier. I wish I'd involved him more in my life.

My mum is now left on her own and I just cannot imagine the pain and loss. I think I may be more upset by this than my dad's death itself.

My son is really difficult, he's a fussy, angry baby and it's affecting my relationship with my partner. I feel like I can't grieve properly because of this "distraction". I know my dad would have known exactly how to help.

I'm really struggling to realise that my dad has passed away. I think I needed to put it all down in writing.

[Hotpinkangel19]

I'm sorry that's so sad ☹️ I have no advice but my mum and dad both died in 2017 when I was pregnant with my daughter. I miss them both every single day. Regrets are hard, I have lots. I should have known, should have forced them to see a doctor. It's horrible.

[Comps83]

My mam died unexpectedly a week after I gave birth in January
We didnt have a good relationship but the thought of her not seeing him grow up really upsets me. Upsets me that I can't ask her questions about me as a baby . It was such shit timing .
Sorry for your loss op x

[Knitwit99]

Sorry for your loss op. I can hear from your post how much you wish your dad was here to help you with your son. Sending love to you all x

[Rainallnight]

I’m so sorry, my love. My dad died just a few months before my DS arrived and it really complicated my grieving. Could you speak to someone about it? Is there any bereavement counselling close to you?

[ZenyattaGambatta]

I am so sorry.
If your Dad was 59 then I'm guessing you're late 20s/early 30s?
When I was your age my FIL got sick and died. It was the first time I had to deal with something like that as an adult so I didn't have the experience to recognize or understand some things, and it sounds like this was true for you to some extent.

Be kind to yourself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but you know, your Dad was an adult and he was responsible for his own health - his pregnant daughter having her first baby was not... GPs (with all their training and experience) can't get people to look after their own health, it's a pretty tough thing to achieve.

He raised you and (assuming you're not adopted) gave you half his genes so - in that sense - a lot of him is still there, every time you look in the mirror, every time you're a loving mother the way he was a loving father.

Talk to your HV/GP and look for organisations like CRUSE - see if there is someone you can talk things through with. It's not a huge stretch to think at least a small part of your baby's trickiness is triggered by your own distress - putting it another way, if you're more at peace it's not likely to make him any worse. If you can come to terms with this a bit it's likely to have tangible long term benefits for your little lad so it's worth giving it a go.

Sympathy again, it's so hard and so much to cope with all at once. Sometimes life is just ... very hard.

[PerpetualStudent]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad from heart failure, completely out of the blue when my DS was 4 months old. It was heartbreaking. Grieving with a young baby is brutal, but for me having DS also kept me putting one foot in front of another. For a while it was about getting through one day, or even one hour at a time - It took me about a year to get through the worst of it. There were times when I just needed space and DP would take over childcare for an afternoon so I could go off to a coffee shop and write, which did help a lot. Could your partner take the reigns for a bit in that way? X

[Emmapeeler1]

So sorry for your loss OP. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly last summer from heart failure related to pneumonia. I had similar feelings, wishing I had spent more time with him and wishing I had marched him down to the doctor but you can't know what you don't know. Dad seemed to have spent a long time recovering from pneumonia but was cheerful and getting on with things and we a just thought it was normal recovery. Even the GP was shocked.

I don't have a newborn but I do worry that my son, who was 5 at the time, will forget him. But my Grandad died before I was born and I feel I knew him because of how much my mum talked about him so much, so I do the same to my son.

It must be hard for you to find time to think about yourself when you have a little baby. Try to take each day at a time. I also find I am constantly worrying about my mum but that has got better. I try to remember my Dad's sunny nature and think he would want us all to carry on.