Advice, crying at work - inquest results.

[ICanEatWhat]

My Mum died very suddenly aged 58 last October. At the time I think I was in shock. I had 3 days given as bereavement from work and then took some annual leave for a week. I was back at work less than two weeks after her death and honestly did not feel at all ready. Over the past year since her death I have had more sick days than I've ever had due to severe migraines, I believe mainly due to stress and potentially because I haven't really dealt with my mother's death.

Because of the circumstances of her death a post mortem was carried out but it was referred to be investigated and go to inquest as the coroner wasn't happy with the results. This weekend we received some statements from the people who were in charge of her care and a covering letter from the coroner. Without going in to too many details it essentially says she would still be alive today if they had followed guidelines. There are some very obvious and damning failures.

I'm so torn, I just don't know how to deal with this information. How do you process the fact that someone's fuck up directly caused her death?! I didn't cry when I read the letters or even after but I'm in work today and I'm a mess. I've cried 3 times already. If anyone dares to ask me if I'm OK I break down again. I'm currently sat in my car on my lunch break in bits not wanting to go back in.

Advice please! I'm worried about losing my job if I go off sick for any longer and even if I get signed off with stress I feel it will be held against me, especially as it's a year on from her death. I feel like she died all over again and I don't know what to do.

[KitS83]

Hi, I lost both of my parents within ten days of each other in Jan 2018. I took 2 weeks off & have been back to work since. I'm really sorry that you feel like you're going through it again due to the inquest results. The results really suck & I can see why you're so upset - it has only been a year for you - please be gentle with yourself. I'm also on my lunch break - on here looking for friends as I feel very much like I've lost all of my friends since my parents passed.

I'm not sure that I'm qualified to give advice on your situation at all but I'm very happy to talk if you feel the need. Perhaps go to a solicitors for a free half an hour advice session to see a) if it'd be worth progressing & b) how you feel about that idea.....? Sending much love & strength to you. xx

[jomaIone]

It sounds like you need to take some time off. I know it's a big worry in some jobs but you have very good reason to take time off, get your GP to sign you off with stress. Look after yourself. You have been through a lot.

[ParkheadParadise]

Sorry for your loss ICanEatWhat
When my dd died we also had to go through the pain of a post mortem, inquest and a court case.
I found that I couldn't grieve because it felt never ending.
I think you need to take time off work. Have you thought about bereavement counselling?
It really helped me.

[ICanEatWhat]

Thank you for your replies.

I was honestly very tempted not to walk back in to work because I was in such a state. I'm pretty sure I've been getting panic attacks, which is new. I find it hard to breathe when things get overwhelming and I start hyperventilating.

I'm extremely worried about my job and fear I may need to start looking for new jobs if I take time off due to stress. I've had a lot of days off with migraines this year and whilst they've been very patient they are clear that it needs reducing so I'm sure being signed off won't go down well. It's ironic that this in itself causes more migraines! I'm under a specialist and going through treatment options but it's a process of elimination. I never had this level of migraines before my Mum's death so I'm certain it's a contributory factor.

The role that I'm in isn't something someone else can easily cover if I'm not here. The team I work in is only myself and my manager and she no longer knows how to do some of the tasks she's passed over to me (bad planning, in my view). This just adds to the pressure to be there all of the time. Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and be a little more selfish to my own needs?. My health has definitely suffered since my Mum's death. I've put on at least 4 stone and neglected the fact I'm diabetic. I was only just now getting back on track.

Kit, I can't imagine losing both parents so quickly, that must have been heartbreaking. I'm always up for a new friend. Some people just never understand what it's like until they go through it themselves and find it hard to be sympathetic.

Park, I can't imagine that, I'm so sorry. Do you mind me asking how long it all took? I'm sure it's different, case by case but a few people seem to have suggested it can take years to resolve. The thought of that fills me with dread.

A solicitor has been involved from quite early on, I believe my Father appointed them. We knew from the start that something wasn't quite right with the way she passed.

[Steamfan]

I am so sorry to read this.Do you have a union rep you could ask for help? Is flexi working or working from home a possibility? Reduced hours?

[ParkheadParadise]

@ICanEatWhat
My dd's case took about 1year from her death. She was murdered so after the post mortem and inquest the police then had to carry out their investigation and gather evidence and prepare their case.

[ICanEatWhat]

Park, I'm so sorry, that's truly awful. It's been a year and a month since my Mum passed, the final inquest has been delayed until at least next month and I guess the solicitor will take over from there. I'm unsure of the process once liability has been admitted.

Steam - we don't have a union. It's a large company but only has one person in HR in the UK. Ironically I've already asked about working from home regarding my migraines. I suggested to avoid taking extra sick days on the days after a migraine, when I'm fuzzy headed and more prone to repeat attack, I could work from home. Especially whilst I figure out my triggers (that I can fully avoid at home). I was trying to be proactive about reducing my sick days. We all have laptops and there isn't anything I can't do from home, however I was told my job wasn't suitable to work from home on a long standing arrangement (I can do adhoc in emergencies). This is despite my role perviously being entirely virtual a couple years before I started. I'm almost certain that reduced hours wouldn't be acceptable either. I know for a fact a woman returning from maternity leave requested a 4 day working week and was told no, as it isn't the culture of the company anymore. Those who requested reduced hours years ago still get to continue doing so though!