My Dad died 8 months ago. I was all he had left in the world and I did my best looking after him, not difficult as he was my Dad and I loved him. He was not demanding at all even at his weakest. He left me very few instructions but one thing he did ask was that he was cremated in his Royal Naval Reserve Suit. He didn’t have a traditional funeral, I was the only one to attend his cremation ( as he requested).
There were some really upsetting niggles when arranging the cremation. The lady who I dealt with was quite a cold character , no empathy but as it was my one and only funeral to ever arrange I just ploughed on.
For example - I asked On the day he died that his body was not collected between 3.30 pm and 5.00pm ( he died at 10am ) as my children would be coming home from school to hear the news. Men came at this time, where extremely apologetic and left until we were composed and ready.
Wrong style of funeral was provided, I turned up to witness a scenario completely different to what we discussed. I was completely caught out but again the members of the funeral team present smoothed things over and made things ok.
I was never contacted to collect my Dads ashes. When I called a week later I was told by the office staff ( same lady) she hadn’t had time to arrange their collection. I said I could go and she literally huffed at me and said she had a friend who lived near the crematorium who could pick them up. Failing that she’d go. I promise you I’m not exaggerating.
Finally, when I collected his ashes they were not presented as we had discussed. I was expecting them to be in a long scatter tube but they were in fact in a large box. I expressed my surprise and she basically said I hadn’t asked for the scatter tube, showed me a form that did not have scatter tube ticked. I recalled our entire conversation about the tube including the picture and the cost. I identified the page of the booklet she had shown me. As a gesture of good will she arranged for the tube to be delivered to a funeral home close to where I lived and for them to transfer the ashes over. Again, when we visited this different funeral home, the people were lovely.
I’m not a needy person, I didn’t have a list of demands and I was never awkward. All my Dad wanted was a simple funeral with no fuss. I did however, ask how long she had been working in this field and she said a couple of months. I told her I could tell. But left it at that.
Two days ago I recieved a phone call from the Area manager to say a mistake had been made. My Dads clothes have been found in a cupboard. He wasn’t cremated in his RNR suit but in a gown instead. He was apologetic. I asked how this could have happened and he referred to a tick in a box that was wrong but wouldn’t confirm any more. I asked for my Dads suit to be kept as I felt I should get it back. If I’m honest I would have kept the jacket and tie anyway had Dad not asked to be cremated in them. The area manager started faffing on the phone and said he would call me back when the suit had been located. That was two days ago and no one has called me.
I’m at a loss why this happened. I alone was responsible for my Dads funeral and it has ended up a farce. I feel responsible and heart broken his wishes were not properly carried out. I’m also at a loss as to why the area manager phoned to confess this mistake but now seems unable to locate my Dads suit. I did wonder if he was hoping to trigger a more specific complaint against their employee in that branch I used but that wasn’t the case.
My normal way of approaching a problem that can’t be solved is to move on but I’m struggling to drop this. Nothing can be done so why call me.
Sorry it’s long. I miss my Dad. His death was slow and often painful but we stuck it out together as best we both could. He didn’t want a fuss so I shouldn’t make one now but I feel really upset for him.
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Bereavement
Funeral home. Poor experience and now this.
Whatjusthappenedthere · 09/01/2019 23:51
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for how upsetting it's been. My dad died four months ago so I have an idea of what it's like.
They've undoubtedly been completely crap, and I wonder is there any sort of registered body of undertakers that you could complain to? It might make you feel a bit better.
But ultimately, try to focus on your dad's life and the lovely times you had together.
My dad didn't have the funeral he wanted either (for different reasons) and I was extremely upset about it for a while. In the end, I realised I was just upset that he was dead, and the funeral in the end was sort of incidental.
I don't know if that helps at all. 
for you
Thanks rain. Sorry for you loss too . Having read my post back it does all seem a bit trivial in the scheme of things. Maybe this lady will get at her job as time goes on.
Sorry for your loss Whatjust. That is a truly awful experience of a funeral home I'm so shocked. Your post isn't trivial at all.
OP I'm so sorry. I'm not surprised this was upsetting.
If you feel strong enough, maybe you could be persistent in asking for some money back from the funeral home. You and your father were not treated with the respect you both deserved. Perhaps you could think of something that you could do or a trip you could take in memory of your father and spend the money doing that. Or donate it to a RN benevolent fund.
However you should only do whatever makes you feel better. Sympathies to you.
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