First Christmas

[bexcee]

So we're approaching our first Christmas since losing my Dad earlier this year.
Has anyone got any advice on how to cope? Christmas has always been a lovely time in our family and spending time together was always prioritised over presents. Now it just feels pointless. It won't be the same without him there and yet we can't ignore Christmas.
No young children all grandchildren are teenagers.

[Serialweightwatcher]

It's very hard, especially the first Christmas/Birthday etc, but you will get through it and he would want you to make a toast to him and enjoy your day as much as you can ... my dad passed 23 years ago but I still miss him so much - it just gets easier to cope as time goes on, but it's never the same.

My best friend passed 2 years ago and Christmas was so hard last year, although I wouldn't have seen her on the day ... I had a good cry when I got up, got on with making the dinner and kept thinking of her all day but know she wouldn't have wanted me to have an awful time, so do what you can to get through

[AnoukSpirit]

I'm so sorry for your loss, I still remember that first Christmas afterwards.

I can only tell you my own experiences of my first Christmas after losing my parent, so if they don't feel right for you then that's fine. Take whichever little bits help, discard the rest. I do get what you mean about it all suddenly feeling pointless.

The first year, we repeated all our normal traditions and had Christmas in the same place with the same people, and in the same way as before. Albeit sadder because of their absence.

We talked about it and agreed that was what we wanted to do. For me, it was comforting because it was a way of still feeling connected to them that we were repeating things we had done with them. It made it a little bit easier to connect to happier memories of sharing Christmas with them rather than only the sadness of their loss.

It also, for me, was a symbolic way of showing the values they'd had hadn't been forgotten, if you know what I mean?

It was quieter, and slower, and yes, sadder, but I think part of healing. The build up was harder than the day itself. If you can, allow time for yourself in the days afterwards as you may be quite worn out by the emotion of it all.

In the years afterwards we gradually created different traditions and shifted away from replicating the past because that was too painful (longer term it felt like emphasising their absence) but in the beginning it was really important to me that I wasn't rushed away from having the continuity and keeping the sense of connection.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I know some people have completely changed everything for their first Christmas after losing a parent, but I couldn't have coped with that. It would have felt to me like I was "forgetting" them or trying to erase them, whereas I know other people find it easier to do things differently and remember them without the presence of all the old traditions making their loss feel even bigger.

Do you have a sense for what might be the least painful for you?

My main advice would be to just go with whatever your instincts suggest will make it most survivable for you, and not to beat yourself up too much. It's quite common for people to say things like "your dad would have wanted you to be happy" or whatever, but actually, I think all he would have wanted was for you to find a way to take care of yourself and cope with his loss in whatever way you need to do that. You don't have to pretend to be okay when you're not. You're human, not a robot.

That first year was hard, and I felt like my heart would never heal. I couldn't imagine how I'd ever be able to cope with having to do things differently in future years as our lives changed, but as time goes on it gets easier to carry their memory with you and it doesn't feel like you're leaving them behind in the same way as it does when the grief is raw. Things change, but you bring their memory and influence with you.

The way your dad shaped your life, the values you hold, and the person you are today will always be with you and part of you. In that way, you'll bring him with you whatever you decide to do.

Take care

[bexcee]

Thank you to both of you for replying and sharing your personal experiences.
I know the 'first' of everything is the hardest following the loss of a loved one so just need to get through it the best I can.

[BurpAndRustle]

I still buy my mum a Xmas present. Something she would have loved and that I can use occasionally to remind me of her (perfume, toiletries). I get something that is very definitely her taste not mine.

I also light a candle every evening in December in her honour.

Also buy DH something “from” her, like a bottle of wine or spirits or a silk tie. It’s the kind of thing she always used to give men in our family. Again, I make it something she would have chosen.

And have a bottle of Baileys in the house, and her favourite sweets (Ferraro Rocher or Maple Brazils), as if she might pop by. Makes me smile when I see the Baileys in the fridge.

Have Baileys and eat the sweets one evening. Sometimes I have a bit of cry that evening, which actually makes things easier.

Make paper chains and orange/clove pomanders with kids like she showed me when I was little, to pass that tradition on.

[user1465335180]

Bexcee you have my sympathies, my DB, DA and DF have all passed away in recent years and now my DM this April. I'm trying very hard to get into the spirit of Christmas but it''s hard work isn't it? I've deceided to try and make Christmas extra special, lots of treats and lights and I've given DM's present money to a local charity in her memory but I Know I'll cry on Christmas Day. Good luck to you with getting through as best you can and I hope you have a good Christmas

[RumbleMum]

and sympathy OP. It's our first without FIL, and DH and his Mum were clear they didn't want to have a normal Christmas minus FIL as it would be too hard, so we have both sides of the family coming. Three young kids so it'll be chaotic and distracting, but still hard. After Christmas we're going away so we're not here for the anniversary of his death. Can you picture yourself doing various things (including a typical Christmas, or going out somewhere entirely different) and see if you have a feel for what will be least painful, as a PP suggested?

[BackforGood]

Do something a bit 'different' - have it at someone else's house, or go and help with a COmmunity Christmas somewhere, or shake up the day a bit so it is a bit 'new' in lots of ways, not just from the 'hole' where your Dad should be at particular points during the day if you do everything the same.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

I just came on to post a thread like this.

I'm in a similar position, first Christmas without my Dad, who died in Feb but also my first birthday (my 30th) without him before then too. I'm not looking forward to either. We have little children though, which will help but means I'm dreading the 'quiet' parts of the day because I think that's when I'll remember the most. I can't remember how we got through the 1st Christmas without MIL, the shit had hit the fan with DH's family & we just focussed on getting FIL & our niece through it so didn't have time to think.

I think you just have to take it as it comes & acknowledge that it won't feel right or normal but know they wouldn't want you dwelling on it.

for you.

[cleanhousewastedlife]

I just came on to post about my first Christmas without my darling Nan. I'm not close to my mother so with her I lost the main maternal figure of my life. I just had a little howl. I remember her last Christmas and I'd give anything for another cuddle with her. I loved her so much.