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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Coroners Inquest

13 replies

Matilda15 · 18/09/2018 18:01

I posted previously because my ex DH had ended his own life and I was looking for support in helping my 7 year old DS.

We just had the coroners inquest for him. We heard that he had been crying out for help for 6 months before and due to multiple failures at every turn through the NHS he slipped through the system and didn't get the help he needed. He had at least 2 phonecalls with the MH crisis teams where he outlined exactly what he intended to do and his chosen methods and after the phone was put down nothing happened. We also heard they have majorly failed in safeguarding DS as the answers he gave on the phone calls indicated he could either have taken his life in front of DS or 'taken DS with him' I feel like I need to start again with processing. I was so angry with him for not asking for help and there he was crying out for it.

He didn't share his suffering with anyone. It was a bolt out of the blue. He was such a private man.. it would have taken so much courage to ask for help.

I'm absolutely gutted.

OP posts:

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NotDoingThat · 18/09/2018 18:39

I don't have anything constructive to say but couldn't read and run. That sounds devastating OP - really feeling for you.

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LEMtheoriginal · 18/09/2018 18:49

Am so very sorry to read this. Sadly the provision for mental health is woeful but it is staggering that he indicated that your ds was in danger but they took noaction. This surely must be investigated further.

I remeber a call i had from the MH crisis team. I had had a melt down because of an event i was very stressed about over the weekend. I was in areally bad place about it. The woman acually ended the call by asking if i had anything nice planned for the weekend

Clearly reading froma script.

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1234hello · 18/09/2018 18:58

I’m so sorry to read that you have had such distressing news.

I do hope action is taken at the appropriate organisations following this.

I hope your DS is doing ok.

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Annandale · 18/09/2018 20:59

Have you talked to lawyers?

Mental health services are in tatters. There is virtually nothing left of the service IMO and the people who are still doing the job have almost nothing to offer patients. Unfortunately I think the service tries to deal with this by simply ignoring warning signs. My dh was assessed as 'no risk to self' and was dead 2 hours later. He masked his symptoms far better than your dh though

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Matilda15 · 18/09/2018 21:41

The NHS have had an external review, I haven’t consulted a lawyer, I’m still numb.

I feel like shit about the anger I’ve had, how I wished he’d asked for help and it turns out he was crying out to the professionals and hiding it from family and friends.

I don’t even know why I wrote this post, just to share I guess. I’m still numb. I feel guilty for my previous thoughts towards him following his draft. I attended the inquest with his ex who he’d been in a long term relationship with after me and we took flowers together to the cemetery afterwards, I apologised to him there for thinking badly of him.

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NorthernLurker · 23/09/2018 19:03

That's very hard for you to have heard how he was failed. I'm sorry. We lost somebody last year when they died, we believe by suicide, though technically it was an open verdict at inquest. In their case they had sought help. We think they had around a dozen people who tried to support and help. In the end nothing helped. I think whatever the circumstances it is an unbearable way to lose somebody. I've heard it described as being like a bereavement bomb going off in your life.

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slightlycross · 24/09/2018 21:24

Matilda I don’t know what to say but 💐 to you... my ex h died by suicide at the end of last year. We haven’t had inquest yet so it’s awful waiting, but I alternately feel angry and sorry for him.. how are you doing, where are you geographically?

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Rebecca36 · 24/09/2018 22:13

This is so so sad, Matilda. I can't begin to imagine how dreadful you are feeling. The NHS is shit when it comes to mental health, it really is. So sorry for you too slightlycross.

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Matilda15 · 29/10/2018 21:54

@slightlycross I’m in the South East.

Doing ok, some days easier than other, sorry to hear of your loss too. Do you have a date for the inquest?

Thank you everyone for your kind words and apologies for the delay in responding- I couldn’t face coming back to this post before now.

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daughterofanarchy · 02/11/2018 12:39

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are doing as well as can be OP.

As someone who struggled with mental health (suicidal at one point) i found that access to help was scarce and also it was frightening to me to admit the extent of my illness. I wish you well.

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OverByYer · 02/11/2018 12:42

This is so awful, MH services are in crisis and this clearly demonstrates this.
When you are feeling stronger it might be worth trying to make contact with person or group that pushes the MH agenda in Parliament.
Maybe contact your local MP.

So sad for your ex and all of you.

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slightlycross · 01/12/2018 01:36

@Matilda15 how are you now?
We had the inquest yesterday, nearly a year after he died and it’s really hit me - more than I thought it would. I can’t get my head round how I feel even though we weren’t together. How far are you from London?

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Matilda15 · 07/12/2018 23:40

@slightlycross to be honest I’m back to anger now.

My DS just had his 8th birthday and looking at him navigating his birthday without his Das just made me think how dare you!! How dare you do this to him.

It’s so hard when the inquest takes so long, and when you are an ex it’s even harder because you don’t know how to feel.

Not far at all, maybe 45 mins by train